A review of the book by Connie Podesta and Vicki Sanderson Presented by Sherry R. Williams, LBSW, M.ed., GCDFI Lexington High School, LCSD1 IF IT WEREN’T FOR OTHER PEOPLE LIFE WOULD BE EASY IF IT WEREN’T FOR OTHER PEOPLE

Connie: LPC International speaker, keynote and trainer actress, comedienne, songwriter, playwright BS in communication and speech MS in human relations consultant for Fortune 500 companies Vicki: National professional speaker BA in speech communications/radio & television Speech teacher, business consultant, speaker, humorist, songwriter, author, and business owner THE AUTHORS

“This book could change your life, if you make a commitment to learn more about other people and yourself.” “Most of the problems and stress people experience involve other people with whom communication is not easy.” CONNIE PODESTA

1.Why do I act/react the way I do? 2.How do I choose to communicate? 3.What am I willing to change? 4.What role and part do I play in my most frustrating relationships? “Each one of us can be and has been the difficult person at one time in our lives.” IMPORTANT QUESTIONS:

Difficult people have been trained and taught to act the way they do since they were children. How early role models responded to our needs has a lasting impact on our emerging adult personality negative behaviors are rewarded As babies we learn to cry/scream to be fed, changed, held (Maslow’s hierarchy) Learning to manipulate Learning power GETTING TO THE ROOT OF THE ISSUE:

Difficult people are people who: Want to do their own thing In their own time In their own way Without interference from anyone else Do not see anything unreasonable about their expectations (they’ve been given permission to intimidate, control, and manipulate for a long time) “This is just the way I AM.” They want: Everyone to cooperate with them Want everyone to work extra hard for them WHO ARE DIFFICULT PEOPLE?

Difficult people only respect people who respect themselves You will be treated exactly as you allow yourself to be. Self-esteem develops when we consistently strive to make healthy, fair and ethical choices. Being assertive may mean severing abusive or addictive relationships Difficult people will not like to be treated assertively at first because they will no longer be getting their way. Assertive action may mean that things get worse before they get better! A “HEADS-UP”

1.BE POSITIVE 2. BE NEGATIVE 3. CHOOSE TO AVOID OR IGNORE HINT: * IF WE IGNORE THEM, THEY “HAVE PERMISSION” TO KEEP DOING WRONG We cannot change others, we only change ourselves.

Aggressive Passive Passive-Aggressive Assertive We all move in and out of each style. We use what gets our needs met. 4 COMMUNICATION/BEHAVIOR TYPES

Always involves manipulation Employs hurt to cause guilt (used most by women) Employs anger to intimidation (used most by men) All of us have feelings of hurt and anger but we don’t have to use them against others Employs whining, yelling, pouting, screaming, complaining, crying Can be covert or overt Unwilling to compromise, discuss, mediate “I win, you lose” Subconscious acts without thought – reaction (Abuse occurs when we allow, accept and/or reward it) AGGRESSIVE

EXAMPLES OF HOW THINGS WENT WRONG AUDIENCE PARTICIPATION

2. PASSIVE

Giving in – Questions less - “I’ll do whatever you say” Does very little - “Go along to get along” Avoids hassle at any cost - Taking “the path of least resistance” Does not complain/confront/contribute They believe their opinion does not matter They dislike the physiological feeling of confrontation Sweating, racing heart, nervous stomach PASSIVE

When passives continually make unwise, unethical, hurtful or self-destructive choices, self –esteem plummets. Aggressives see this as a green-light to manipulate. PASSIVES:

I make self-destructive, stupid decisions because my self-esteem is low. My self-esteem is low because of my destructive, stupid decisions.

WHAT DO PASSIVES’ PARENTS LOOK LIKE? RESCUERS! You forgot your books? I’ll go home and get them so you don’t miss recess I guess I’ll have to do this science project if it’s going to get done You don’t feel like going to school? I’ll get a doctor’s excuse for you. Constantly rescuing children sends the message that there are no consequences for their actions. By rescuing children you are teaching them to be passive

Is separation our conflict resolution model? Avoiding conflict, hassles, and confrontation perpetuates the problem.

AGGRESSIVES LIKE TO PUSH OTHERS TO THEIR LIMIT TO SEE HOW MUCH THEY CAN GET AWAY WITH. PASSIVES FAIL TO SET LIMITS.

3 – passive aggressive

Goal is to get even Involves perpetrators and victims Devious and sneaky Tries to get way without confrontation/asserting Avoids confrontation (passive) but manipulates (aggressive) PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE

The most destructive Psychological Trojan Horse (Hard to recognize because they are tricky) Anything you say can and will be used against you Hidden messages Sighs Eye-rolling Subtle manipulators “Oh, I was just kidding.” “Where is your sense of humor?”

WHY PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE IS NOT GOOD: No honest communication so problems go unsolved Compromise is not an option but revenge is Always waiting for someone else to apologize There is no mutual respect or trust

WHAT DOES A PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE STUDENT LOOK LIKE? When a child finds out grades are more important to the parent, than to them, they have a “loaded machine gun” If a student feels out of control they have power through their grades So set on revenge that they don’t see they are hurting themselves

Do you consider communication a process or an event? QUESTION:

4. ASSERTIVE

The only healthy communication style (Others styles use devious behavior and manipulative tricks) Open, honest, and direct Used when our self-esteem is intact Used to create mutually satisfying solutions Clear and forthright method Ensures win/win Used the least Assertive anger is allowed – it intends to express our emotions but not to destroy others. It begins with “I” not “you.” ASSERTIVE

1.Force 2.Manipulation 3.Mental and/or physical coercion 4.Lacks self-confidence 5.This relationship “drains” you 6.Attacks a person’s dignity and character 7.On a path to power 1.Never involves force 2.Never involves manipulation 3.Never involves mental and/or physical coercion Persuades and convinces 4.Exhibit self-confidence 5.This relationship “sustains” you 6.Attacks a problem 7.On a path to a solution AggressiveAssertive COMPARE

HOW TO BE ASSERTIVE : How to communicate without being defensive, argumentative or apologetic: Do not let them “rabbit chase” Don’t let them derail the subject and you accept guilt or blame for their behavior Stick to the issue, repeat your request Do not defend yourself or apologize Be “assertive negative” by stating the problem and the consequence: “This is your first warning about being late to work. If it happens again I will issue a written warning.”

AUDIENCE PARTICIPATION- ASSERTIVE COMMUNICATION

ASSERTIVEAGGRESSIVEPASSIVEPASSIVE- AGGRESSIVE Maintains healthy boundaries and maintains healthy physical, psychological, and emotional space. Respect Compassion Honesty Equity empathy Tries to manipulate everyone else Power Control Winning at any cost Passives try to please everyone else setting limits may cause confrontation Use aggressive and passive traits to disguise getting even BY COMPARISON

Accept the relationship recognizing that the person may not change Stay in the relationship and try to change the other person rather than changing yourself Codependence Enabling Plummeting self-respect Decide that you cannot accept the situation as it is Become assertive, expect difficult transition Clearly state your needs, boundaries and expectations Risk: Person may decide they don’t want to change/be in the relationship TOUGH CHOICES

It will get worse before it gets better so: They will be momentarily stunned that you stated the issue matter-of- factly They will be momentarily stunned that you stated the issue matter-of- factly They may go on the offensive, dig in, no holds barred, and use every trick in the book They may go on the offensive, dig in, no holds barred, and use every trick in the book Use hurt and anger with greater intensity than before Make you apologize for their actions: “I’m sorry but I’m going to have to write you up for being late.” Accepting responsibility for their actions is a sign of weakness and they will soon go “in for the kill”

You have not lost control You have not lost control Being assertive is healthy You did not give into their tactics You did not give into their tactics You are on the upward swing You are on the upward swing You have built your credibility, tone and demeanor You have built your credibility, tone and demeanor The difficult person will pick up on your confidence Remember, they don’t respect people who don’t respect themselves HANG IN THERE!

Give me the courage to accept people I cannot change; Courage to change the people that I can and Wisdom to know……. It is ME!!!

LEARNING THE 4 STYLES Is not about changing others you change you It is about how you change how you deal with others

Sherry R. Williams Lexington School District 1 Lexington High School