How to Listen so Parents will Talk and Talk so Parents will Listen Working Effectively with Parents

 Opening survey  Maybe...  It’s easy to be afraid of (or angry at) parents  Parents have special needs and interests  Parents can be very critical consumers  Parents sometimes say things that throw us off our helping/counseling game (Bite-back)

 This workshop is rated “PG”  A blend of personal discoveries and evidence  Caveats and excuses  This is YOUR workshop  Talking and not talking  Communicate respectfully  We will never get finished

 Just come up and tell me about (and you can exaggerate) some hassles you’re facing at work.

 The Principles  Empathic understanding – Avoid premature problem-solving  Radical acceptance – Avoid judgment  Collaboration – Work with, not on  Summary: Listen before you educate

 Two forms of empathy with parents  General – It’s hard to be a parent; parents are judged – Dear Abby example  Specific – Clean your room story ▪ Some parents REALLY NEED to tell you a parenting story

 Radical Acceptance as an Attitude (from DBT) “I accept you as you are and am fully committed to helping you change”  Don’t say this, but use it especially when parents say something extreme

 Parent Volley: “I know it’s not popular, but I believe in spanking. When I was a kid, if I talked back I’d be picking myself up off the floor. Kids don’t have any discipline these days and as a parent, I have a right to parent my kids any way I want.”  Teacher/Counselor Return: “Thanks for being so honest about what you’re thinking. Lots of people believe in spanking and I’m glad you’re being straight with me about your beliefs.”

 Parent Response: “Yeah. Okay.”  Teacher/Counselor Return: “But I’m not all that positive about the picking yourself up off the floor thing.”  Parent Response: “Oh no. I didn’t mean I think that’s right.”

 Group participation – Volunteer example  Thank you... because...  What words work well for you?  Practice this... It won’t just happen spontaneously

 How do we facilitate collaboration?  Collaboration as an attitude: Not knowing or understanding too quickly [Difficult]  Ask permission  Tell parents YOU WANT TO work with them  Tell parents you respect their knowledge

Because parents are vulnerable... We are empathic, accepting, collaborative We look for positive goals and love [Reframe] underneath anger and imperfect parenting We join with the most difficult parents to help them support their children’s education

 Preparing for button-pushing  Responding to questions about your credentials or competence (or lack of parenthood)  Self-disclosure: When and how much and what kind? [Joining, empathic]

Meet, greet, and comfort: What do you use to countercondition fear? Role induction: As needed, explain the terrain If needed, obtain and provide a problem description (homework, classroom behavior)

 Watch for:  Expressions of support and compliments  Identifying goals  Backward behavior modification

 What parents want  Parents generally want to know how to be a positive force or influence in their children’s lives... So their children turn out relatively happy and free (e.g., not in prison)

 Direct Power: Behavior modification, etc.  Indirect Power: Modeling, manipulating  Problem-Solving Power: Mutual problem- solving; solution-focused questions  Relationship Power: Special time

 The new attitude (eliminate the dread)  Grandma’s Rule and passionate rewards and boring punishment (direct power)  Character feedback (indirect power)  Special time (relationship power)  Mutual problem-solving (problem-solving power)

 Watch for:  Who’s talking now  What parent-child dynamics are being addressed  Mutual problem-solving

 What will you remember?  What will you try out?  You’re the kind of teachers/counselors

 To access 10 tip sheets and/or “follow” John’s blog go to: johnsommersflanagan.com