Have A New Teenager by Friday by: Dr. Kevin Leman FCMS/Teens & In-Betweens March 2012 FCMS/Teens & In-Betweens March 2012

He/She used to be normal. What happened?  He eats cereal out of a large mixing bowl.  Her bedroom looks like a garbage dump...on a good day.  If there were an Academy Award for eye-rolling, he’d win.  She changes outfits three times before breakfast.  He eats cereal out of a large mixing bowl.  Her bedroom looks like a garbage dump...on a good day.  If there were an Academy Award for eye-rolling, he’d win.  She changes outfits three times before breakfast.

Congratulations!!!  You have a tween-ager/teenager in your home!!!

It’s not your Grandma’s World...  Today’s children are growing up faster than ever before.  Issues: cutting, drugs, depression, suicide, terrorism threats, uncertain economic future, anorexia...peer pressure, hormone changes, homework, life stresses, worry about getting into college...  Today’s children are growing up faster than ever before.  Issues: cutting, drugs, depression, suicide, terrorism threats, uncertain economic future, anorexia...peer pressure, hormone changes, homework, life stresses, worry about getting into college...

If you want to have a new teenager by Friday, the rules must change - with NO warning...  p Dr. Leman...

Monday  Points to consider...  Decide: total reconstruction, partial replacement, or a little paint job  Identify your parenting style: “Whatever you want, dear”...”It’s my way or the highway”...or “Equal but different roles”  Develop a game plan.  Points to consider...  Decide: total reconstruction, partial replacement, or a little paint job  Identify your parenting style: “Whatever you want, dear”...”It’s my way or the highway”...or “Equal but different roles”  Develop a game plan.

How can I help my tweenager/teenager?  What kind of construction work do you need?  Total reconstruction - Your teenager is telling you where to go and what he/she is going to do...  Partial replacement - Your kid has turned lazy - “forgets” to do his/her chores...  Paint job - Your kid is getting mouthy - becoming a Mister/Miss “Know-it-all.”  What kind of construction work do you need?  Total reconstruction - Your teenager is telling you where to go and what he/she is going to do...  Partial replacement - Your kid has turned lazy - “forgets” to do his/her chores...  Paint job - Your kid is getting mouthy - becoming a Mister/Miss “Know-it-all.”

Act - Don’t React  Respect begins from the earliest of stages and builds up over years of relationship together.  Battle of the wills - 18 months and up  Pick your battles so that you don’t react but act.  Reacting takes you out of the driver’s seat & flings you onto a moment by moment roller coaster.  Acting allows you to sit back, relax, say things ONCE and HOLD FIRM, and remain calmly in control - letting the chips fall where they may.  Respect begins from the earliest of stages and builds up over years of relationship together.  Battle of the wills - 18 months and up  Pick your battles so that you don’t react but act.  Reacting takes you out of the driver’s seat & flings you onto a moment by moment roller coaster.  Acting allows you to sit back, relax, say things ONCE and HOLD FIRM, and remain calmly in control - letting the chips fall where they may.

So when your two-year old spouted off, how did you respond?  You said, “Oh Johnny, you shouldn’t talk that way - it’s not nice...I’m going to give you one more chance to be nice.”  Or - “Young man, you’ve just earned yourself a time-out. Get in the corner for the rest of the morning!”  Or - You turned, walked into another room, and ignored him. Later, when he wanted to play with his favorite toy, you said, “No, you can’t play with that toy today. I don’t like the way you talked to me.” (No amount of pleading changed your mind either.)  You said, “Oh Johnny, you shouldn’t talk that way - it’s not nice...I’m going to give you one more chance to be nice.”  Or - “Young man, you’ve just earned yourself a time-out. Get in the corner for the rest of the morning!”  Or - You turned, walked into another room, and ignored him. Later, when he wanted to play with his favorite toy, you said, “No, you can’t play with that toy today. I don’t like the way you talked to me.” (No amount of pleading changed your mind either.)

Which scene played out over and over in your house?  Your child didn’t morph overnight into this alien teenage creature...guess where he had help from?  How we’ve acted as parents and how we’ve run our homes has everything to do with the person our teenagers are now!  Your child didn’t morph overnight into this alien teenage creature...guess where he had help from?  How we’ve acted as parents and how we’ve run our homes has everything to do with the person our teenagers are now!

What kind of parent are you?  Whatever you want, dear...” (Permissive)  Anything goes...few guidelines/boundaries...no one feels safe  These parents want their kids to be happy...Per Dr. Leman, ”An unhappy teenager is a healthy teenager.”  When was the last time in your life your were happy 24/7?  Life -curveballs...reality  Teenagers don’t need another friend...they need a parent...  Whatever you want, dear...” (Permissive)  Anything goes...few guidelines/boundaries...no one feels safe  These parents want their kids to be happy...Per Dr. Leman, ”An unhappy teenager is a healthy teenager.”  When was the last time in your life your were happy 24/7?  Life -curveballs...reality  Teenagers don’t need another friend...they need a parent...

Patterns are ingrained after many years...work hard to combat them...  Change starts with you and your own willingness to turn things around.  RELATIONSHIP is key...  Respect is a two-way street...  Watch your own “tude.”  Disciple - not discipline...car keys  Change starts with you and your own willingness to turn things around.  RELATIONSHIP is key...  Respect is a two-way street...  Watch your own “tude.”  Disciple - not discipline...car keys

My Way or the Highway - Authoritarian  “Do what I say because you have to, and I won’t have it any other way.”  This will be met with outright rebellion...  These parents often come from strict, traditional roots...were not allowed to have a say in their own homes when they were growing up.  May possibly need to control others to feel good about themselves.  “Do what I say because you have to, and I won’t have it any other way.”  This will be met with outright rebellion...  These parents often come from strict, traditional roots...were not allowed to have a say in their own homes when they were growing up.  May possibly need to control others to feel good about themselves.

 Often authoritarian parents struggle with anger issues - their families tend to walk a tightrope, hoping not to upset Dad/Mom.  Home -encouragement...  Authoritarian - do not need just a paint job - they need some “foundational work!”  Must completely change the way they think and act toward their teenagers...don’t try to control - encourage and partner.  Often authoritarian parents struggle with anger issues - their families tend to walk a tightrope, hoping not to upset Dad/Mom.  Home -encouragement...  Authoritarian - do not need just a paint job - they need some “foundational work!”  Must completely change the way they think and act toward their teenagers...don’t try to control - encourage and partner.

Either extreme - permissive or authoritarian is dangerous...  If you’re a “whatever” parent - begin by respecting yourself enough to stand up for yourself - say NO and stick to it.  “My way or highway...” realize that you are not better than your child - you have a different role - think before you speak - encourage/nurture...  If you’re a “whatever” parent - begin by respecting yourself enough to stand up for yourself - say NO and stick to it.  “My way or highway...” realize that you are not better than your child - you have a different role - think before you speak - encourage/nurture...

Hot topics...Angry teen  p Jason  Don’t let his/her anger build up...  Balloon - breaths of air  Let him/her talk - (We need to keep our mouths shut - just listen!)  Empower...  p Jason  Don’t let his/her anger build up...  Balloon - breaths of air  Let him/her talk - (We need to keep our mouths shut - just listen!)  Empower...

Doesn’t fit in with peers...  p Jimmy

Slamming doors...  p

It’s all about relationships...  Live...laugh...love...  Your teenager will eventually grow up to be someone in whom you can have a deep, meaningful conversation with...  Hang in there!  Live...laugh...love...  Your teenager will eventually grow up to be someone in whom you can have a deep, meaningful conversation with...  Hang in there!