Love in Interpersonal Relationships Based on information by Dr. Alan D. DeSantis Professor of Communications University of Kentucky

What is Love? u Robert Sternberg’s Three Ingredients –1. Intimacy »-Sharing, communication, mutual support, trust –2. Passion »Not just physical, also emotional –3. Commitment »Long-term focus

Sternberg’s Ingredients u Intimacy, Passion, and Commitment – all needed but rare to achieve u Intimacy + Commitment = Compassionate Love u Passion + Intimacy = Romantic Love u Commitment + Passion = Fatuous Love u Intimacy + Passion + Commitment = CONSUMMATE LOVE

Another view of Love- Six Types of Love From John Lee (1976)

The Theory of Love Types u 1. We have all of these 6 “love types” in our relationships (3 primary + 3 secondary types) u 2. What separates us is the degrees of each (each person is different) u 3. Degrees can change with time u 4. Every relationship we have may differ: – In your first relationship, you are insecure & passionate » (Because s/he was non-committal & sexual) – In your next, you are calm & relaxed » (Because s/he was nurturing and warm) – Key: Others make us who we are in relationships

1) Eros Love (primary) u Highly passionate, sexual, & intense u Often Believe in: –Love as Magical –Love as fate –Love at first sight u Very “American” u Movie: Titanic / Romeo and Juliet / Ghosts / Sweet Home Alabama / Natural Born Killers / Princess Bride / Sleepless in Seattle / Snow White, Sleeping Beauty & Cinderella –Hollywood loves eros love!

2) Ludus Love (primary) u The “Players” love u Will often: –Keep their passions in check – Avoid trouble and intensity – Feel uncomfortable about commitment – Keep secrets –Have affairs u Remember, we all have a little ludus in us u When a relationship gets too intense (or is no longer fun), they leave u Movie: Great Expectations / St. Elmo’s Fire / Cruel Intentions / Dangerous Liaisons –Hollywood’s Formula: Ludus plays with Eros-- Eros is crushed

3) Storge Love (primary) u Peaceful and slow –Not passionate and intense u Friendship is key –Difficult to separate from friendships u This love... –Develops over time –Endures long periods of inactivity or excitement »Lacks the heat of eros and the games of ludus u Movie: Harry Met Sally / The Wedding Singer / My Best Friends Wedding / Shrek / You’ve Got Mail / Beauty and the Beast / 2 Weeks Notice / How To Lose A Guy / Tootsie

4) Pragma Love (Ludus + Storge) u Practical u Looking for “types” –Parents, $, race, nationality, family, etc. u Love is logical & More stable –Not magical, but rational u Movie: Pretty Woman / Bridges of MC / As Good As It Gets / Shakespeare in Love / Big Fat Greek Wedding / Grease / Maid in Manhattan / Notting Hill –Hollywood Formula: Woman settles for pragma love--but is unhappy

5) Mania Love (Eros & Ludus) u Extreme highs and lows –Jealousy –Obsessive u Self-worth comes from the relationship –Nothing else matters u Movie: Fatal Attraction / Something About Mary / American Beauty / The Crush / Memento / Taxi Driver / Swim Fan u Hollywood Formula: slashing tires, stalking, going into exile, drinking, etc..

6) Agape Love (Eros & Storge) u This love is... –Compassionate –Selfless –Egoless u No concern for personal reward or gain –Want the best for the other person u Movie: Forrest Gump / Man Love a Women / John Q / Casablanca /

General Findings u I. National Findings on Love Test –A. Men: Eros and Ludus –B. Women: Manic, Pragma, and Storge –C. Age and Evolution »Eros and Mania are “young” loves »In time, couples grow into Storge and Agape love

General Findings u II. National Statistics on Love and Sex –A. Infatuations » First infatuation (W: 13 / M: 13.6) » First love (W: 17.1/ M: 17.6) – B. Gender and Virginity—Women Sooner » Average age for 1 st time sex: 16 W / 17 M » % of virgins years: 6.2% W / 10.8% M u Notice: Sex comes before love – Note: Numbers may be misleading due to different definitions of having sex.

General Findings u III. Romantic Love (believe it or not) –A. Married men have a more romantic concept of love than their wives »Men believe in love at first sight more »More men believe love can overcome anything –B. Twice as many women would marry for reasons other than love »In 1965, 75% of women said they would marry a man they did not love if he fit the bill in other ways »Today, only about 10% of American women say they would (Whitehead, 2003) u 49% in Indians u 51% in Pakistan

u III. Romantic Love (continued) –C. After divorce, Men are more likely to get re-married »And sooner –D. Married men are psychologically and physically healthier, but not so for women »Reason 1: Without their wives, most men have no support system and no one to talk to about life’s stresses u Men are 8 times more likely to commit suicide after divorce »Reason 2: Women do most of the work in most relationships (even when both are working outside the home)

General Findings u IV. Age, Love, and Sex (1999 AARP Survey) –60% of couples years old report having sex once a week (the average for all couples) –20% over 75 report having sex once a week –After 50 years of age, men become more romantic; women become more sexually assertive –Majority of couples over 55 report finding their significant other more romantic and attractive