Presents… THE HOPE GARDEN COUNSELING CENTER Linda Hanby, MACC, LMFT, LPCA, LPCI Shannon Nord, MACC, LMFTA, LPCA, LMFTI

BOUNDARIES IN RELATIONSHIPS  “Boundaries define us.” “They define what is me and what is not me and show you where you begin and end.” *  EX. PROPERTY LINES/NO TRESPASSING SIGNS/SPORTS PLAYING FIELD, GEOGRAPHICAL AREAS * Henry Cloud, John Townsend “Boundaries”

BOUNDARIES IN RELATIONSHIPS BOUNDARIES IMPACT EVERY AREA OF OUR LIFE  Physical boundaries allow us to determine our comfort zone with personal space and who may touch us and under what circumstances  Mental boundaries allow us the liberty to have our own ideas, thoughts and opinions  Emotional boundaries allow us to handle our own feelings/emotions and disassociate from the damaging and manipulative feelings/emotions of others

THE GOOD HEALTHY BOUNDARIES= PROTECTION

THE GOOD  What makes you feel comfortable and what you consider acceptable behavior  Clarity on what you are willing or not willing to put up with  Formed by having a clear understanding of “self” and of your “personal values” Values- views and ideals that are important to you- determines how you live your life

THE GOOD  Unique to each individual  Clearly defined and expressed to others  Allows for greater self esteem and self respect  Allows for an equal partnership of shared power and responsibility that creates trust and mutual respect  Protects you from others intruding on your physical and emotional space

THE BAD UNHEALTHY BOUNDARIES= HARMFUL

THE BAD  Not expressing your needs and wants  Sharing too much, too soon  Feeling responsible for other’s happiness  Inability to say “no” afraid of rejection or abandonment

THE BAD  Understanding of “self” is based on how others treat you  Disempowerment- feeling powerless and not taking responsibility for yourself and allowing others to make decisions for you

THE BAD UNHEALTHY ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIPS= DANGER

THE BAD  Making yourself too available – accommodating significant other’s schedule disregarding yours  Spending all or most of your free time with significant other- Friends/Family commenting that they miss you and haven't seen or heard from you in a while  Changing your routine/interests/plans to accommodate significant other

THE BAD  Not speaking up and expressing your feelings or staying quiet when you are not comfortable with something because of fear that it might cause a conflict or be seen as a challenge  Beginning to do more things/activities that significant other wants to do with little regard for your desires

THE BAD  Pretending to like something you don’t  View significant other and the relationship as “perfect” and “wonderful” although others opinions and comments tend to be cautionary  Controlling, possessive and/or jealous behavior such as constant texting, calling etc. to know where you are, who you are with, what you are doing

THE BAD  Not liking your friends/family-complaining, making remarks about them  Dictating who you can see and be friends with  Dictating where you can go and with whom  Any type of physical abuse (shove, push, slap etc.)

HEALTHY VS. UNHEALTHY

THE BAD Limited or non-existent boundaries  Do not feel confident enough to speak up for yourself  Do what others want you to do even though it makes you feel uncomfortable or  Puts you and/or others at risk  Allow others to disrespect or treat you badly (e.g. put you down)  Putting your needs last

THE BAD Loose or porous boundaries  Unsure of yourself and your needs even though you have a sense of what’s important  Very easily swayed by others even though you may not want to and feel it goes against what you believe is right.

THE BAD Rigid “A Wall” boundaries  Very difficult to let other people in  Very difficult to listen to others ideas or beliefs because  Belief that you are right so your way is the “right way”  Become very frustrated or angry when others propose different ideas or solutions  Often a form of protection to prevent hurt/pain from others

WHICH ONE BEST DESCRIBES YOU?

THE TRUTH A HEALTHLY RELATIONSHIP= WELLNESS

THE TRUTH A Healthy Relationship Should  Allow for assertiveness- the confidence and comfort level to say “no” to others and also for others to say “no” to you  Empower- allow you to make healthy choices and decisions and take responsibility for your life (needs, desires, values etc.)  Be based on mutual trust

THE TRUTH  Involve effective communication and mutual respect  Enable the discussion of honest feelings about what is bothering or troubling you  Involve listening and understanding to what is said and what feelings are being expressed  Respect one another’s desires, needs, values and feelings  Have mutual expectations- desire the same things out of the relationship

THE TRUTH  Allow for differences and disagreements (natural in any relationship)  Enable compromise and the resolution of conflict in a fair and rational manner- you can agree to disagree  Support, encourage and reassure one another  Build each other up not tear each other down

QUIZ TIME basics/healthy-relationships/healthy- relationships-quiz

BOUNDARIES GAME

COMMUNICATION & CONFLICT RESOLUTION IN RELATIONSHIPS  Verbal  Talking  Nonverbal  Eye contact  Body language  Gestures  Hygiene  What else?

COMMUNICATION PIE

THINK ABOUT IT…  Where does social media fit in the pie?  OMG, UR SOOOO L8!!! >:(

THE GOOD HEALTHY COMMUNICATION= CLARITY & UNDERSTANDING

THE GOOD  You clearly state what you need.  You confidently state what you want.  Your body language, tone of voice, and pace of speaking match what you want to say.  You feel heard by the other person.

THE GOOD  You use “I” statements to speak for yourself.  I wish I could …  I feel like …  I want to …  I need to …  I do not want to …

THE GOOD  You listen to others without interrupting  You really hear the other person - So that you can tell them what you heard them say in your own words. (ACTIVE LISTENING)  You make good eye contact that is appropriate for the context and conversation.  You are appropriately responsive to the other person.

THE GOOD  You focus on the problem and not the person.  Stick to the problem at hand and avoid bringing up issues from the past. If you have unresolved issues, they can be dealt with in another conversation.  Know when enough is enough – take a time out – but make a plan to revisit the conflict and resolve with healthy communication skills.  Know you will not always agree. That’s okay.

THE BAD UNHEALTHY COMMUNICATION= CONFUSION & MISUNDERSTANDING

THE BAD  Passive Communication  Aggressive Communication

THE BAD  You are a passive communicator if you do not express your needs or feelings.  If you are a passive communicator, you may not respond to hurtful comments or situations.  A passive communicator may allow themselves to be taken advantage of, victimized, treated poorly or bullied.  A passive communicator is often considered too soft, too nice, or too weak.  BULLIES CAN SENSE THIS AND MAY TAKE ADVANTAGE OF YOUR VULNERABILITY MAKING YOU A…

THE BAD  Aggressive communication is when you violate the rights/boundaries of others when expressing yourself.  An aggressive communicator may be verbally or even physically abusive to satisfy their selfish desires and insecurities  Aggressive communicators have little or no regard for other’s feelings – A BULLY

THE BAD  Passive-Aggressive communication is just like it sounds, a combination of the two.  Passive aggressors are more subtle with their cruelty, criticism and humiliation of others.  Social media outlets are perfect places for passive aggressive behavior to fester.

THE TRUTH But what can I do about it?  Tell your parents and other trusted adults  Maintain a close group of girlfriends with mutual support  Choose not to engage in reacting to the bullying. That gives the bully the power.  Choose to do something other that check Instagram, Facebook, , or voic . You will survive without it!  You have the power to make your choices to stay away from abusive treatment  You are strong! They are weak!

THE TRUTH!  Communication is a necessary fact of life. We are always communicating.  From the moment we are born we begin to “tell” our care-givers what we need in the only way we can.  We develop our communication patterns by the response we get. If it works, we keep doing it. If it doesn’t, we stop doing it or change our behavior. Reinforcement.  If we do get what we need, we learn that we have some power. How we use that power is where the real strength is. This is assertive communication.

THE TRUTH  Conflict is a necessary fact of life. Without it we would not grow in character to become who we are supposed to be.  We learn a great deal about ourselves and others by how we react to stressful situations naturally, and then choose to change our behavior. Through practice it will stick.  Developing healthy communication and conflict resolution skills is a priceless gift you give yourself.

“REAL” RELATIONSHIPS REQUIRE AWARENESS, BOUNDARIES, COMMUNICATION, SKILLS TO RESOLVE CONFLICT AND YOU!

THE END