Raising teenagers and staying sane!! A presentation by, Helen Warman Clinical Nurse Specialist Child and adolescent psychiatry Cavan/Monaghan At the AGM of the St. Macartan’s College Parents Association

Child psychiatry. Not all difficulties in adolescence requires intervention from a team like ours.In fact most difficulties could be said to be normal. 2% of young people suffer from severe mental health difficulties – we see that 2%.

"The young people of today think of nothing but themselves. They have no reverence for parents or old age. They are impatient of all restraint. They talk as if they alone knew everything and what passes for wisdom with us is foolishness with them.” Plato C 300 – 400bc.

“The children now love luxury. They have bad manners, contempt for authority, they show disrespect to their elders.... They no longer rise when elders enter the room. They contradict their parents, and are tyrants over their teachers." Plato C 300 – 400bc

Content. What is normal teenage development. Challenges they face. Challenges you face. What can go wrong. When to look for help. Minding yourself.

Each teenager is unique, with their own personality, interests, likes and dislikes. However, the developmental changes which are to be faced, faces everyone! Bio psychosocial process – with a large variation of what’s “normal”.

Tasks of adolescents. Achieving new and more mature relations with boys and girls in their age group. Achieving a masculine or feminine social role. Accepting ones physique. Achieving emotional independence from parents / other adults.

Tasks of adolescents. Preparing for marriage / partnership and family life. Preparing for an economic life. Acquiring a set of values. Desiring and achieving socially responsible behaviour.

Normal adolescent development Movement towards independence. Future interests and cognitive changes. Sexuality. Morals, values and self direction.

Moving toward independence. Struggle with sense of identity. Feeling awkward about oneself and ones body. Focus on self, alternates between high expectations and poor self esteem. Interests and clothing influenced by peer group. Peers more important than family.

Moving toward independence. Moodiness. Speech to express themselves. Realization that parents are not perfect! Sadness as the psychological separation from parents begins to take place. Less affection, more rudeness. Complaints about parents. Reverting to childish behaviour when stressed.

Future interests and cognitive changes. Interested in NOW, little thought for the future. Intellectual interests expand and gain in importance. Greater ability to do work – mental, physical and emotional.

sexuality Shyness, blushing, modesty. Increased interest in sex. Movement toward heterosexuality with fears of homosexuality. Frequently changing relationships. Worries about being normal.

Morals, values and self direction Rule and limit testing. Capacity for abstract thought and setting goals. Development of ideals and role models – they may no longer be the same as yours. Evidence of conscience. Experimentation with alcohol or drugs.

Challenges. Transition to secondary school. Loss of relationships. Gaining approval and acceptance- peer pressure. Bullying – face to face, mobile phone, bebo. Hormonal changes Physical changes. Sexuality.

Challenges for parents. Letting go! Stepping back. Managing anxiety. Limit setting and consistency. Parenting style alters. Dealing with moods. Acceptance of differing morals, values etc.

What can go wrong School refusal – transition to secondary not made. Social phobia. Anxiety. Depression. Conduct problems. Relationship difficulties. Substance abuse. Self harm / suicide. Eating disorders. Development of major psychiatric disorder – rarely. Risk taking behaviours. Mood disorders.

When to worry. Sudden and extreme changes in behaviour / presentation. Withdrawal / dropping out. Excessive worry. Slipping school performance. Loss of appetite, sudden weight loss/gain. Tearfulness. Sleep disturbance. Evidence of self harm. self esteem / self confidence changes.

Helping your Teenager 1  When talking about past events, focus on more positive events (e.g., exams passed, good stories re child/friends, achievements, human qualities)  Remember that we are all better and worse at some things and none of us can be good at everything all the time, keeping trying is more important  Responding to events (eg, problems with friends, bullying, disappointments) is more important than the events themselves as we can sometimes only respond, model this for your teenager in how you respond  Help the young person see that there is very rarely only one explanation for any event

Helping your Teenager 2  Distraction techniques can be useful ….often keeping trying at the task is more important than doing it perfectly  Think about what is Good Enough in any given task, and break tasks down into smaller do-able stages (e.g., “ ladder ” & studying for exams)  Help your teenager see that we can always dispute positive and negative causes, it can be helpful to do this out loud or on paper or even through music … but not always at the first try!  If a thought or situation is threatening to overwhelm the teenager, encourage them not to continue to focus on it by some of these techniques, if this persists, seek help

Helping your Teenager 3  Keep talking to them about the future and ask questions about the future and what they would desire  Encourage them to do activities that are future focused (e.g., soaps)  Focus on effort rather than achievement when praising  Be constructive with comments ….remember there is rarely only one explanation for anything !  If you are stuck, how would their heroes cope in a difficult situation or deal with setbacks/disappointments?  Can you think of examples of the power of hope and optimism in life to explain this to young people?  What kept you going at this stage in your life?

Traps parents fall into when trying to deal with behaviour  Believe that things are all your fault  Think that things will never get better  Worry that every other parent has no difficulty and/or is simply better than you  Blame yourself, each other or other people Try more of a strategy that is not working (e.g., shouting) or not practical (e.g., grounded for a month) Use tactics that upset and worry you even more (e.g., slapping) Wait until difficult behaviour happens until you do something about it

Do You Matter as a Parent: “Mush” Parents Devalue Themselves…… “I always have to keep the kids happy“ “I must not disturb their natural creativity” “I’m not much, but my kids might be” “My partner is not as important as the kids” “Firm” Parents Decide they matter too…… “Children are important, but not every time” “Frustration is part of growing up and of life” “I have to do things for my happiness too” “ My partner matters, kids come a close 2 nd ”

Problem solving / anger management What is the problem? Discuss one problem at a time. What can I do about it? Decide and do it How did I do? Get teen to think about consequences of action before action actually happens. Deep breathing, counting to 10, hitting punch bag, pillow.

3 baskets 1. 70% of negative behaviour is irritating, but no one will get hurt.don't respond 2. 20% is really irritating, but again, no one will get hurt. don't respond. 3.10% is dangerous and could hurt someone. respond to this.

To fight or not to fight! Rules need to be firm, fair and consistent. Discussion / communication. Punishment should fit the crime! Pick your battles – some things just do not need fighting about. Avoid head to head. The last word !!!!!!!!

Me, me,me Play your music. Watch your TV shows. Cook your favourite food. Ask for help – school, family,gp. Say NO.

Thank you. Should you have any major concerns about your son, please contact your g.p. for advice and further referral if needed.