Developed Paragraphs A Review of the Jane Shaffer Method

Remember: A concrete detail is a paraphrase, a short summary or a quoted passage from a text. The way you can tell it’s a concrete detail is that someone else can find the same information at that same spot. A commentary sentence is your opinion, insight, analysis, explanation, evaluation or reflection about the details found in the text. The way you can tell it’s commentary is that it is inferred/drawn from the text, and is a conclusion, interpretation, spin or explanation of that material.

Warnings Do not refer to yourself in the commentary (ex: “I wouldn’t have killed Lennie if I had to”). While it may be true & valid, it’s not commentary in an academic paper. For every concrete detail, there should be at least 1 commentary sentence. However many commentary sentences as you need to THOROUGHLY explain your take on the data, that’s how many you need!

Driving in the fog in Sacramento was a frightening experience. For example, no signs were visible from the freeway, so I couldn’t see if there were any gas stations nearby to fill my near- empty tank. In addition, it was 12:00 noon, and the fog was so thick that I couldn’t read the exit signs until I started passing them. Furthermore, a police car suddenly appeared ahead and drove at forty miles an hour for the next thirty minutes, and none of us were allowed to pass him. When I finally reached Sacramento that day, a great sense of relief permeated my body and mind.

Driving in the fog in Sacramento was a frightening experience. For example, no signs were visible from the freeway, so I couldn’t see if there were any gas stations nearby to fill my near- empty tank. I panicked at the thought of being stranded alone in a strange place. I kept hoping to see a station materialize in the fog and felt incapable of making a decision. In addition, it was 12:00 noon, and the fog was so thick that I couldn’t read the exit signs until I started passing them. I realized I had driven for hours, dreading the never-ending blurring lines on the horizon. I was afraid that the weather would never lift and get me back on schedule. Furthermore, a police car suddenly appeared ahead and drove at forty miles an hour for the next thirty minutes, and none of us were allowed to pass him. It was as though an invisible force field had been thrown up behind the patrol car. No one felt brave enough to dare go around him, so we lingered behind for what seemed like hours. When I finally reached Sacramento that day, a great sense of relief permeated my body and mind.

On the next slide, there is a body paragraph. Using the cards Mrs. Ronane gave you, you will hold up a card to indicate what kind of sentence each one is in the paragraph. (The sentences will be numbered.) Your choices include TS (topic sentence), CD (concrete detail), CM (commentary) and SS (summary sentence).

1 Saturday morning cartoons are often criticized by public officials because of their violence and themes. 2 For example, critics describe coyotes jumping off cliffs, dogs and cats blackening each other’s eyes, and Martians planning to destroy Earth. 3 This violence may be realistic, but there is no accompanying realistic blood, pain, or permanent mutilation. 4 These scenes emphasize destruction and winning through physical harm to others. 5 In addition, these same animals try to capture birds, carrots, or territory. 6 The theme of these actions—greed or selfishness—is not appropriate for young children. The wrong values are encouraged, and children do not see any examples of peaceful resolution to problems. 7 Cartoon characters never apologize, negotiate, or discuss their conflicts. 8 Furthermore, when the fights are over, these same animals get food, toys, or candy as a reward for their behavior. 9 If children see the subtly distasteful message of rewarding in any way (large or small) a behavior of inflicting pain or showing greed, they have no reason not to try it themselves. 10 Children’s programming needs to be changed to avoid the messages that do nothing but harm those who watch them every week.

1 In Animal Farm, Clover represents a caring and motherly figure to the other animals. 2 For example, she talks to Mollie, the horse, when others will not. 3 She cares about keeping the animals together. 4 She is not mean to Mollie but wants her to understand her decision to leave may affect the farm. 5 In addition, Clover warns Boxer to slow down and nurses him when he collapses. 6 In her concern for him, she models the kind of behavior that the animals wanted from Mr. Jones but did not get. 7 She sees the injustice of the system and understands the punishment of hard work. 8 Furthermore, she sees the changes in the Seven Commandments and in the pigs at the end. 9 Her commitment to Animal Farm is paramount to her, and she wants to put her beliefs into action by speaking out, knowing that something is wrong. 10 She works hard to help the other animals regardless of what the negative consequences may be.

The ‘pattern’ of a paragraph should look like this: TS A (in outline) CD CM/CM Tr, B CD CM/CM SS This pattern (CD/CM) is repeated for each ‘chunk’ of information you want to include in the paragraph. The # of CMs depends on what all you need to say to make your point clear.

SEED A four-step approach is as follows: 1.STATE your topic (TS) 2.EVIDENCE must be presented (CD) 3.EXPLANATIONS of how you interpret that data must be given (CM) 4.After DEVELOPING ideas thoroughly, end the paragraph.

Example: In Romeo & Juliet, Shakespeare makes use of imagery connected to light. While Romeo waits below Juliet’s balcony, he tells us ‘The brightness of her cheek would shame those stars,/As daylight doth a lamp’ (I, ii). Here Romeo uses his words to paint a picture that is saturated with images of light. Just as the daylight is ‘brighter’ than a lamp, so Romeo feels that Juliet’s beauty is so radiant, it would ‘shame’ even the stars. These images of light contrast strongly with images of darkness, and of the night, particularly at the end of the play, when the lovers die together in a dark tomb.

Second Example: Animals with a backbone (vertebrates) are divided into five classes. The five (which include cold- and warm-blooded), in order, are fish, amphibians, reptiles, birds and mammals (Jones 223). The first vertebrates were fish, and later came the amphibians. The amphibians were joined by the reptiles, and eventually by both birds and mammals. These five classes of vertebrates are divided into cold- blooded creatures (fish, amphibians and reptiles) and warm-blooded creatures (birds and mammals).

Other problems with CMS: Avoid generic commentary. EX: Brother was cruel to Doodle when he was growing up. For example, he made him touch the coffin in the loft (Hurst 118). This was mean of him. He wasn’t being very nice. Avoid CMs drifting from the TS’s point. EX: Brother was cruel to Doodle when growing up. For example, he made him touch the coffin in the loft (Hurst 118). This was awful. The coffin wasn’t even being used.

Other Problems with CMs: Avoid CMs which are really CDs. EX: Brother was cruel to Doodle when he was growing up. For example, he made him touch the coffin in the loft (Hurst 118). That was mean of him. He even made him do it repeatedly without their parents knowing. Avoid repetitive CMs which are really just redundant restatements. EX: Brother was cruel to Doodle when he was growing up. For example, he made him touch the coffin in the loft (Hurst 118). This was cruel of him. He didn’t have to make Doodle touch the coffin.

On our class web page is a Jing that goes over the ‘chunk’ method of writing.