WHY WE FORM RELATIONSHIPS? Physical Needs. (reducing uncertainty about the world around us) Identity Needs. (reinforcing our identity, self-worth, etc.) Social Needs. (inclusion, being a part of a group). Practical Needs.

Why Do We Form Relationships With Some People And Not With Others? Appearance Competency Similarity Proximity Complementarity Reciprocity/Disclosure Rewards

Attractiveness rating High………medium………low

I was initially attracted to my spouse/partner by his/her MenWomen Looks Personality Sexiness Wealth Warmth Power Humor

I was initially attracted to my spouse/partner by his/her MenWomen Looks26%17% Personality4944 Sexiness 9 5 Wealth 2 1 Warmth1226 Power 1 3 Humor 1 4

proximity = we like those near us similarity = we like those who are like ourselves

Competency Complementarity Reciprocity

The exchange theory Rewards – Costs = Outcome The main question: what one considers to be a reward and a cost? Also: what are the alternatives?

Equity Theory = rewards/costs should be equal to your partner’s

Relationship Development & Deterioration

Stages of Relationship Development 1. The stages should be viewed as descriptive of what seems to happen rather than what should happen. 2. The stages are not totally distinct from one another.

CONTACT: The initiating stage 1. In the initiating stage, we tend to follow the scripts we have learned for initial interactions. 2. During this stage we make initial judgments of other people's competence and they make judgments of our competence.

INVOLVEMENT: experimenting / testing This stage can be seen as an audition for friendship. It also helps us identify similarities between ourselves and others. It helps us and the other person reduce our uncertainty about each other. Relationships at this stage are casual and commitment is very limited.

Testing Your Partner… Directness Endurance Indirect suggestions Public presentation Separation Third party (asking others) Triangle

INVOLVEMENT: Intensifying During the intensifying stage we increase the information we disclose about ourselves to others. Overall, during this stage we are displaying our uniqueness to others.

INTIMACY: The integrating stage Our interdependence with our partners begins to be visible to others. A jointly constructed view of the world begins to emerge.The "my" orientation begins to be replaced by a "we" orientation.

INTIMACY: The bonding stage The bonding stage often involves a public ritual that announces to the world that commitments have been formally contracted. This is not just a ritual but a sign of taking responsibility and commitment.

TENSIONS in RELATIONSHIPS: The dialectical perspective The dialectical perspective focuses on explaining the contradictions, inconsistencies, and paradoxes in our relationships.

Primary Relational Dialectics / Anxieties SECURITY: INTEGRATION-SEPARATION EXCITEMENT: STABILITY VERSUS CHANGE FULFILLMENT EXPRESSION VERSUS PRIVACY

INTEGRATION-SEPARATION The autonomy ‑ connection dialectic Autonomy = our desire to be independent; Connection = our need to feel included; Developing quality relationships requires balancing our needs for autonomy and connection and being aware of our partner's need for autonomy and connection.

STABILITY vs CHANGE Novelty ‑ Predictability Dialectic Developing quality relationships requires that we recognize our need for predictability and our need for novelty.

EXPRESSION vs. PRIVACY Openness ‑ Closedness Dialectic a) Openness with others is necessary to develop intimacy with them; b) Protecting ourselves requires some degree of closedness.

Causes of Relationship Deterioration 1.unrealistic beliefs 2.excessive intimacy claims 3.third party relationships 4.relationship changes 5.undefined expectations 6.sex-related problems 7.work-related problems 8.financial difficulties

DETERIORATION: Stages of Coming Apart The differentiating stage The circumscribing stage The stagnating stage The avoiding stage The terminating stage

The differentiating stage Differences become the central focus of our attention and these differences lead to greater interpersonal distance between us and our partners The "we" orientation begins to be replaced by a "my“ orientation.

The circumscribing stage The circumscribing stage involves constricted communication; Communication decreases in Quantity and Quality.

The stagnating stage In this stage, there is an expectation of unpleasant conversations, and the feeling that we have little to say to our partners. Our communication is awkward, scripted, and often similar to the way we talk to strangers.

The avoiding stage In the avoiding stage we rearrange our lives so that there is little need to interact with our partners.

The terminating stage The terminating stage involves physically and psychologically leaving relationships.

Why People Stay Together? Emotional attachment Convenience Children Fear Inertia Commitment (to whom? To what?)