Chapter 3 Communication

Chapter Sections  3-1 The Nature of Interpersonal Communication  3-2 Conflicts in Relationships  3-3 Principles and Techniques of Effective Communication  3-4 Self-Disclosure, Lying, Secrets, and Cheating  3-5 Gender Differences in Communication  3-6 Theories Applied to Relationship Communication  3-7 Fighting Fair: Seven Steps in Conflict Resolution

Nature of Communication  Communication is both verbal and nonverbal.  Nonverbal communication uses gestures, eye contact, body posture, tone, volume, and rapidity of speech  We assign more importance to nonverbal than to verbal cues.  Texting is becoming an important way to communicate.

Conflicts Conflict: the process of interaction that results when the behavior of one person interferes with the behavior of another

Conflict  Conflict is inevitable.  Conflict can be beneficial.

Conflict Conflict has numerous sources:  Behavior  Cognitions and perceptions  Value differences  Inconsistent rules  Leadership ambiguity

Conflicts—Application Match the example with the source. ExampleSource No one makes decisions because a couple wants to be equal. Cognitions and perceptions A wife expects her husband to be home more but wants him to earn more money. Leadership ambiguity A husband thinks his wife is wasting time when she is researching a product online. Inconsistent rules

Conflicts Styles of Conflict  Competing—both try to get their way  Collaborating—both express their views and compete  Compromising—both find middle ground

Conflicts Styles of Conflict  Avoiding—both avoid confrontation  Accommodating—each attempts to soothe the other  Parallel—both deny, ignore, and retreat

Effective Communication  Make communication a priority.  Establish and maintain eye contact. Ask open-ended questions (encourage information) rather than closed-ended questions (one- word answers).

Effective Communication  Use reflective listening.  Paraphrasing or restating what the person has said  Use “I” statements (focus on perceptions of communicator) rather than “you” statements (blame or criticize listener).

Effective Communication  Touch.  Use “soft” emotions.  Sad or hurt rather than aggravated or angry Avoid negative and hurtful statements. Make positive statements.

Effective Communication  Tell your partner what you want  Stay focused on the issue. Branching: moving out to other issues Make specific resolutions to disagreements.

Effective Communication  Give congruent messages.  Verbal and nonverbal behaviors match  Share power  Ability to impose one’s will on the partner and to avoid being influenced by the partner

Expressions of Power Withdrawal No speaking to the partner Guilt Induction “How could you ask me to do this?” Being Pleasant “Kiss me and help me move the sofa.” Negotiation “We can go to the movie if we study for a couple of hours before we go.” Deception Running up credit card debt of which the partner is unaware Blackmail “I’ll find someone else if you won’t have sex with me.” Physical Abuse of Verbal Threats“I’ll kill you if you leave.” Criticism “I can’t think of anything good about you.”

Effective Communication  Keep the process of communication going.

Self-Disclosure, Lying, Secrets, and Cheating Self-Disclosure:  Necessary for development of relationships  Encourages disclosure  Depends on the relationship

Self-Disclosure, Lying, Secrets, and Cheating Secrets:  Most keep some secrets from intimate partner.  Females keep more secrets.  Spouses keep more secrets than dating partners.  Blacks keeps more secrets.  Homosexuals keep more secrets.

Self-Disclosure, Lying, Secrets, and Cheating Cheating:  A significant amount of cheating occurs in relationships. Cheating may be either or both sexual and nonsexual.

Gender Differences in Communication  Women seek to preserve intimacy and avoid isolation.  Men seek to win.

Gender Differences  Women tend to react more emotionally.  Mothers use more affiliative (relationship) speech.  Women disclose more than men.  Both value openness, honesty, respect, humor, and resolution.

Theories Applied to Relationship Communication Symbolic Interactionism  examines the process of communication  considers importance of definition of situation  sees taking the role of the other as important to conflict resolution

Theories Social Exchange Theory  considers importance of rewards and costs  sees importance of acknowledgement, legitimacy, and respect

Fighting Fair: Seven Steps in Conflict Resolution  Developing and using skills for fair fighting and conflict resolution are critical for the maintenance of a good relationship.  Resolve conflict in a way that will leave the partners and their relationship undamaged.

Fighting Fair 1.Address recurring, disturbing issues.  Ensure privacy, sufficient time, and lack of unrelated stress. 2.Identify new desired behaviors. 3.Identify perceptions to change. 4.Summarize your partner’s perspective.

Fighting Fair 5.Generate alternative win-win solutions.  Brain-storming: suggesting as many alternatives as possible without evaluating them  Win-win relationships: conflict is resolved so that each partner derives benefits  Win-lose solution: one partner gets nothing and one partner gets everything  Lose-lose solution: both partners get nothing

Fighting Fair 6.Forgive 7.Be alert to defense mechanisms  Unconscious techniques that function to protect individuals from anxiety and to minimize emotional hurt

Fighting Fair Defense Mechanisms  Escapism: simultaneous denial and withdrawal from a problem  Rationalization: cognitive justification for one’s own behavior that unconsciously conceals one’s true motives  Projection: unconsciously attributing individual feelings, attitudes, or desires to the partner  Displacement: shifting your feelings, thoughts and behaviors from the person who evokes them onto someone else

Fighting Fair  Never say something in the heat of an argument that could destroy the relationship forever.

Chapter Summary  Communication is both verbal and nonverbal.  Conflict is inevitable but can be constructive or destructive.  Learning and practicing techniques for effective communication will strengthen the relationship.  Appropriate self-disclosure is an important part of relationships.

Chapter Summary  Women tend to be more emotional and relationship- oriented in their communication.  Communication is influenced by definitions of the situation and rewards and costs.  Techniques exist to ensure a fair fight.