Mary McClure, EdD, LPC

Attachment shift… peers become critical Brain Remodeling Pruning – reduce little-used pathways Myelin – enhance often-used pathways Hyper-rational thinking – facts, little context, positive bias Impulsivity – act before thoughtful consideration

ESSENCE Emotional Spark- intense, vital, moody, erratic Social Engagement - value peer relationships, Novelty - value new and exciting experiences Creative Exploration - adaptivity, innovation, change

“Consilience … finding truths that are common and derived from independent ways of knowing. “ (Siegel, 2009, 140)

Bio-psycho-social-spiritual growth Integration … AKA reflection, critical thinking, holism Emotional Intelligence Attachment – seen, safe, soothed, secure Relationship goals unconditional love, intimacy, grace, empowerment … genuineness, empathy, Pattern formation.. thought, emotion, behavior Mindfulness

Body regulation Attuned communication Emotional balance Fear modulation Response flexibility – think before acting Insight Empathy Morality – imagine action for social good Intuition

Whew… that was a lot of stuff to absorb Consider – we have great ability to be aware of and in control of ourselves… these are learnable skills…

Ability to ‘see’ or ‘know’ the mind 3 basic skills: Insight: sense your own inner life Empathy: sense the inner life of others Integration: link different parts into an interconnected whole The key is intentional awareness of our internal world

In comfortable position, eyes closed Focus on breathing – direct attention to process and experience of breathing Notice when your attention wanders – redirect it back to breathing without any negative emotions or ‘scolding’ What benefits? Relaxation, calm, reduced anxiety ‘practice’ being in touch with our internal world

Get in touch with what you are experiencing right now… Close your eyes and focus your attention and awareness toward your inner mental experiences … use one or more of these areas… Sensing – what are you sensing in your body? Imaging – what images, situations or memories? Feelings – what emotions are you experiencing? Thoughts – what thoughts are in your mind

Look at a person around you. You may perceive them on a physical level, but also may imagine what they are experiencing in their minds. Take some time to imagine what the ‘map’ of their inner mental experience may reflect. Practice being ‘in touch’ and attuned to another person

Tune-in to ‘signals’ received from other people Verbal words, tone, volume, etc. Non-verbals, such as body language and facial expression, are as much as 80% of communication Strengthen empathy skills…Watch a TV or movie with the sound off – imagine the content, intent, and perspective of communications between characters. How to spot a liar…

A state of harmony has qualities of being Flexible, Adaptive, Connected, Energized, Stable Integration takes place Inside us – balance and coordination of our ‘states’ of mind, In Relationships – where your relationship honors differences and cultivates compassionate communication A sense of chaos or rigidity indicates a lack of harmony.. Perhaps the need for repair Respect for differences Linkage and connection

At times when we feel out of control, flooded and reactive to emotional burst without benefit of thoughtful consideration, it would be helpful to Build the habit of pausing for consideration Consider the type of chaos or rigidity we are feeling – name the emotion Consider the circumstance that triggered this Begin to integrate and repair Recall a time when you felt emotionally flooded… how might you handle it differently

Recall a time when you experienced chaos or rigidity Internally (ex: being flooded with emotions, being ‘stuck’ with a thought or feeling…) In relationship (ex: withdrawing from others, being hurt by others) Consider, in retrospect, how greater integration may have helped you Triggers and other dimensions of the situation

Also Mindful breathing… Be ‘present’ in a different way – fully experiencing the present moment with COAL Be curious - observant Be open - objective Be accepting Maintain a loving stance Become aware of Five senses: taste, touch, smell, see, hear Sixth sense – body intuition Seventh sense – mental activity Eighth sense – relationship

‘Time-between’ … reflective dialog that shares/focuses on our inner experiences… creates attunement with another Think of a person who brings out the best in you… reflect on the way you interact what are you grateful for in this relationship Think of a person who brings out the worst in you… reflect on the way you interact What are you grateful for in this relationship What attributions do you make for quality of relationship?

Our PART in cultivating healthy relationships includes Being present – checked in Being attuned – connected Resonating – empathic feeling that shapes us as well Trusting – open and authentic Consider an argument or conflict you have had … how might you move to ‘repair’ the rupture? Apology? State intention to repair? Share in reflective conversation? Other?

Dobson, J. (1992). The new dare to discipline. Wheaton, Illinois: Tyndale House. Gottman, J. (1997). Raising an emotionally intelligent child. New York: Simon & Schuster. Koonce, K. (2006). Parenting the way God parents: Refusing to recycle your parent’s mistakes. Sisters, Oregon: Multnomah. Siegel, D. J. (2003). Parenting from the inside out: How a deeper self-understanding can help you raise children that thrive. New York: Penguin. Siegel, D. J. (2009). Mindful awareness, mindsight, and neural integration. The Humanistic Psychologist, 37, DOI: / Siegel, D. J. (2013). Brainstorm: The power and purpose of the teenage brain. New York: Penguin.