Couples Therapy: Discovery and Renewal Marion Balla, M.Ed., M.S.W., R.S.W. Ottawa, Ontario CANADA NASAP 2016 Minneapolis, Minnesota

“To see with the eyes of another, To hear with the ears of another, To feel with the heart of another. ” Alfred Adler

The Talmud We see things not as they are, but as we are. The Talmud

4 Life is movement. Alfred Adler

The Dance of Couple Movement

when my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn’t bend over and paint her toenails anymore. So my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too. That’s love. Rebecca – age 8 Love is…

when someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. You just know that you name is safe in their mouth Billy – Age 4 Love is…

when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go and smell each other. Karl – Age 5 Love is…

when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all day. Mary Ann – Age 4 Love is…

when you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you. Karen – Age 7 Love is…

Goals for Couple Therapy to assist couples to place each other in their social embeddedness. to normalize and support couples in understanding the “baggage” they carry. to challenge the myths around love and marriage.

Goals for Couple Therapy to provide alternate ways to communicate, problem solve, and love each other. to create laughter and recapture the health and strength of the couple foundation

Couple Therapy Underlying Assumptions Everything happening in the coupleship makes sense as a dance to meet personal expectations and dreams. The dance is created based on childhood scripts e.g. “When the Little Children Marry”.

Couple Therapy Underlying Assumptions Couples move through 5 developmental stages in the life of a relationship. Intimacy is very hard work even when you have unpacked your suitcase and have written a new script. Assessment and therapeutic interventions occur simultaneously. Adlerian Counselling and Consulting Group

CREATIVE SELF Immediate Family Extended Family Community Larger Society SOCIAL EMBEDDEDNESS Coupleship

Social Embeddedness It is necessary for therapists to view individuals within their social context (e.g., culture, gender, sexual orientation, age, socio- economic status, family circumstances, values, birth order, etc.)

“Love, with its fulfilment, marriage is the most intimate devotion towards a partner of the other sex, expressed in physical attraction, comradeship and the decision to have children. It can easily be shown that love and marriage are one side of cooperation in general not the cooperation for the welfare of two people but the cooperation also for the welfare of mankind.” Reference: Adler, Alfred. Cooperation Between the Sexes, 1913 Social Nature of Marriage

“An intimate relationship is one in which neither party silences, sacrifices or betrays the self and each party expresses strength and vulnerability, weakness and competence in a balanced way.” H.G. Lerner, The Dance of Intimacy

Your Story How you met, initial attraction, triumphs, creations, strengths, appreciations, humour, fun, friends, family Is there anything that has gotten lost in your relationship that you really treasured and would like to restore The one thing that stands out most vividly for you in your story is: You would like to thank your partner for

Couples Therapy – Unpacking the Suitcase Love is Intimacy is Happiness is Marriage is Romance is

Unpacking the Suitcase (cont’d) Expectations of myself as a partner: Expectation of my partner: I feel loved by my partner when where I feel unloved by my partner when where

Unpacking the Suitcase (cont’d) Describe parents’ marriage as you saw it under age 10 years: Describe mother’s qualities as you saw her under age 10 years: How am I like my mother? How is my partner like my mother?

Unpacking the Suitcase (cont’d) Describe father’s qualities as you saw him under age of 10: How am I like my father? How is my partner like my father? Favourite fairy tale/book/story/movie under age of 10: Five early memories under age of 10:

The Crucial C’s of Intimacy I need to know from my partner that: I am worthwhile. I am needed I cannot be replaced. I am acting well. I am a true friend. Bettner and Lew, “Cinderella The Sequel”

Five Stages of a Couple’s Journey Stage 1 – Romance (Falling in Love) Stage II – Power Struggles Stage III – Developing Stability Stage IV – Commitment and Trust Stage V – Deepening the Connection Susan Campbell, 1980

CREATIVE SELF Social Relationships (Social) Occupational (Work) Intimate Relationships (Love) Spiritual (meaning of life) Life Tasks And Couple Relationships Based on Adlerian Theory 27

Favourite Fairy Tale Exercise Describe your favourite fairy tale/book/song/TV program/movie as you remember it under the age of 10 years. Did you have a favourite character? What did you like most about this fairy tale/book/song/ TV program/movie?

Favourite Fairy Tale Exercise Is there anything you wish you could have changed about this fairy tale/book/song /TV program/movie? What gender messages are present in the fairy tale/book/song /TV program/movie? How does this story connect with your coupleship today?

Early Recollections Among the psychological expressions some of the most revealing are individual memories. Memories are reminders we carry with us of our limits [and strengths] and the meaning of circumstances. The memory represents the story of my life, a story I repeat to myself to warn me…and to prepare me by means of past experience so that I will meet the future with an already tested style of action. Alfred Adler (1931)

Early Recollections attitude towards life direction of the person’s striving hints why a particular movement was chosen

Early Recollections perceived dangers to be avoided indications of compensatory devices developed to cope with felt inadequacies. evidence of courage or its lack

Early Recollections strategies developed for living in the perceived world preference for direct or indirect methods of coping type of interpersonal transactions preferred

Early Recollections presence or absence of social interest values given to affiliation, competence, behaviour, status, rebellion, compliance, security core wants, needs and motivators

Early Recollections Questions to be considered when understanding a person’s patterns in Early Recollections: Who is present? Who is remembered with affection? Who is disliked? What problem(s) is/are confronted? What special talents or abilities are revealed? Is the recollection pleasant or unpleasant? How does the person feel about what is happening? How does the person demonstrate social interest or welfare of others?

Early Recollections Observe and explore the following with your client: - movement (through verbs i.e. thinking, acting and feeling) and the outcomes, price paid or gains made. - content, context, gender roles and intergenerational messages

Early Memory Exercise Choose a memory of an incident which happened to you under age 10 years. Describe what you see in the memory focusing on the child's experience. What feelings does the child experience within this memory? Write a newspaper headline to capture the essence of the memory. What gender messages are present in this early memory? What intergenerational messages are present in this memory? How does this memory relate to your life today? Adlerian Counselling and Consulting Group Inc. Ottawa, Ontario

Demonstration

Re-Orientation Process in Couples Therapy 1.What have you learned about your couple relationship in therapy which makes a difference to how you function together? 2.What have you learned about yourself in therapy which changes how you show up and relate in the coupleship?

Re-Orientation Process in Couples Therapy 3.What skills are you practicing to ensure ongoing change and progress as a couple? 4.What areas require more focus and attention at present?

Re-Orientation Process in Couples Therapy 5.What has been most useful to you within the therapy process? 6.What has been least useful to you within the therapy process?

what’s in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening presents and listen. Bobby – Age 7 Love is…

like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know each other so well. Tommy – Age 6 Love is…

when Mommy sees Daddy on the toilet and she doesn’t think it’s gross. Mark – Age 6 Love is…

My mommy loves me more than anybody. You don’t see anyone else kissing me to sleep at night. Elaine – Age 5 Love

If you want to learn to love better, you should start with a friend that you hate. Nikka – Age 6 Love

You really shouldn’t say ‘I love you’ unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget. Jessica – Age 8 Love

Additional References Cooperation Between the Sexes by Alfred Adler The Dance of Intimacy by Harriet Goldhor Lerner How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It by Steven Stosny & Patricia Love Conscious Loving; The Journey to Co-Commitment by Gay Hendricks & Kathlyn Hendricks Cinderella: The Sequel by Betty Lou Bettner & Amy Lew Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love by Dr. Sue Johnson Enclyclopedia of Marriage, Family and Couples Counseling. (4 Volumes) by Jon Carlson and Shannon Dermer