Identity, Intimacy and Differentiation The process of waking up. (15 slides) creatively compiled by dr. michael farnworth

A relationship is the creation of a joined identity and requires a shared journey and pathway.

The dilemma is not in choosing the right person but of rather being open to the ordeal of sacrificing your ego for the sake of the relationship in which the two of you become one.

One plus One = Three. (You, Me and Us) It is to the “us” that we sacrifice the you and me for. It is a joint effort and ordeal!

You cannot complete the marital adventure/journey alone! You can get started on it-- but eventually your partner will need to join up.

An identity is a prerequisite for intimacy and differentiation. If you do not have one- the best that can be hoped for is pretence, role playing and fantasy bonds. Your identity is a sacred quest.

Definition of identity It is the grounding and identification you have with your self. It is your energies, feelings and emotions. It represents the relation you have with your self in the compassionate embracing of your energy history and past. The most sacred essence of your being is rooted in your ability to engage in an intimate (experiencing your energies) identity with your self. The essence of identity is inside.

Definition of intimacy: The sharing of feelings… the good ones and the bad ones. Intimacy is an acquired taste as people will provoke a response of distance and alienation when sharing energy if being intimate was not a part of their experience growing up. It scares them.

Definition for differentiation: Differentiation is the ability to be in a relationship without losing the self and without rejecting the other. For many females: the problem is that you have to have and discover an identity before you can keep it. For many males: the problem is an over sized ego which makes it difficult not to reject (emotionally take their ball and go home) their spouse who challenges them and creates their discomfort.

A Ritual To Read To Each Other by William Stafford If you don't know the kind of person I am and I don't know the kind of person you are a pattern that others made, may prevail in the world and following the wrong god home we may miss our star. For there is many a small betrayal in the mind, a shrug that lets the fragile sequence break sending with shouts the horrible errors of childhood storming out to play through the broken dyke.

And as elephants parade holding each elephant's tail, but if one wanders the circus won't find the park, I call it cruel and maybe the root of all cruelty to know what occurs but not recognize the fact. And so I appeal to a voice, to something shadowy, a remote important region in all who talk: though we could fool each other, we should consider-- lest the parade of our mutual life get lost in the dark. For it is important that awake people be awake, or a breaking line may discourage them back to sleep; the signals we give--yes or no, or maybe-- should be clear: the darkness around us is deep.

An Awakening… To a person not yet awake to the realities of their own histories the materials that will be presented will seem strange if not out right silly. The reality of history remains though, even if we collude in its denial and dismissal. The awakening process is a dilemma of learning to embrace your own wounds and hurts to enable you to embrace another's. The awakening is to the compassion lacking in your own heart for your own history. It is paradoxical but true.

“There is no birth of consciousness without pain.” C. J. Jung

The pain of climbing out of the cultures deep slumber of darkness may be discomforting and fearful at first. But I promise you that once the initial adjustment period is over you will never want to go back to sleep. And even if you did want to return to the slumber paradoxically you won’t be able to. So quit now if this adventure is not resonating within you.

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