PARAGRAPH IMPROVEMENT EXERCISE Green

The world contains a rainbow of colors… but green is my favorite.

Let’s read the student paragraph and ask: Do all the sentences relate to the topic? Is the topic adequately developed? Is the topic developed logically?

The original paragraph Green A person walking into my bedroom will see many green clothes and green decorations. That is because green is my favorite color. I regard green as the color of nature, full of bounce and youth. Green is liked by many people. I like dressing in green because the color makes me feel happy and invigorated. I also like a lot of different green vegetables. My bright green room keeps me in a happy mood. Walking in nature, I can relax and leave behind noise and other annoying things. The world is a rainbow of color, and each color brings different feelings to different people. Now and then you can try some new colors. Maybe you will make some new discoveries.

Comment: You seem to be jumping around quite a bit… green bedroom green vegetables green clothes green nature

1. Do all the sentences relate to the topic? No. All the sentences are about green, but that is not the topic. The topic is “ Green is my favorite color. ” OFF-TOPIC: Green is liked by many people. The topic is “ I like green. ” You need to link those two ideas or get rid of the sentence. OFF-TOPIC: I also like a lot of different green vegetables. Again, there may be a relationship but you need to explain what it is. You may like to eat chocolate but that doesn ’ t mean your favorite color is brown …

Off-Topic Sentences A person walking into my bedroom will see many green clothes and green decorations. That is because green is my favorite color. I regard green as the color of nature, full of bounce and youth. Green is liked by many people. I like dressing in green because the color makes me feel happy and invigorated. I also like a lot of different green vegetables. My bright green room keeps me in a happy mood. Walking in nature, I can relax and leave behind noise and other annoying things. The world is a rainbow of color, and each color brings different feelings to different people. Now and then you can try some new colors. Maybe you will make some new discoveries.

2. Is the topic adequately developed? There are enough subpoints for your one paragraph, but the subpoints need to be more clearly related to the topic and more clearly related to each other. The subpoints could also developed more fully (more specific examples).

3. Is the topic developed logically? No! Right now, the order of development is as follows: My bedroom & my clothes  Nature  People like it  My clothes  Vegetables  My room  Nature  Rainbow  Conclusion: Colors mean different things to different people  Try new colors

Suggested Improvements 1. Write a more specific topic sentence that will guide the development of the sentence.  Use a more logical pattern of development. 2. Add transition words (shown in dark red) that will alert the reader when you “ change course. ” 3. Improve the concluding sentence by referring back to the main idea.

Paragraph 4, Improvement A A Color with Dual Advantages A person walking into my bedroom will see many green clothes and decorations. Green is my favorite color for two main reasons. First, like many people, I regard green as the color that is full of bounce and youth. Dressing in green makes me feels happy and invigorated, and my bright green room keeps me in a cheerful mood. Second, green is a relaxing color for me. Just as nature provides a retreat from the noise and irritation of modern life, the green in my room gives me a sense of peace and refreshment. The world contains a rainbow of colors, but only green can energize and soothe at the same time.

Notice that Paragraph 4A has an outline form: I. Introduction: A person walking into my bedroom will see many green clothes and decorations. II. Body: Green is my favorite color for two main reasons. A. It is full of youth and bounce. B. It is relaxing. III. Conclusion: Green can energize and soothe at the same time.

Paragraphs that are developed in outline form may seem boring and uncreative … … but if you are writing a TOEFL exam, you should probably try to organize your thoughts in this way!

Paragraph 4, Improvement B The Color That Links Us to Nature A person walking into my bedroom will see many green clothes and decorations. Like many people, I regard green as the color of nature, full of bounce and youth. Dressing in green makes me feels happy and invigorated, and my bright green room keeps me in a cheerful mood. However, like nature, the color green also gives me a sense of peace and refreshment. Most modern humans live in separation from nature, but the color green links us to the natural world we came from.

Paragraph 4, Improvement C Green: The Next Best Thing to Nature Itself. A person walking into my bedroom will see many green clothes and decorations. Green is my favorite color because I regard it as the color of nature. Like nature, green is full of youthful bounce and energy, but it also gives me a deep sense of peace and refreshment. My green clothes make me feel happy and invigorated, and my bright green room keeps me in a cheerful mood. On the other hand, just as nature also allows me to leave behind the noise and irritation of modern life, my green room is a place where I can relax and renew my spirits. Green is next best thing to nature itself!

Paragraph 4, Improvement D Green: A Color You Can Live With A person walking into my bedroom will immediately notice many clothes and decorations in my favorite color: green. Like many people, I regard green as the color of nature, full of bounce and youth … and, at the same time, restful and restorative. I like dressing in green because the color makes me feel happy and energized, and my bright green room keeps me in a cheerful mood. But green is also a peaceful color. Seeing green when I step into my room makes me feel as if I am stepping into nature; I leave the noisy outside world and enter a place where I can relax. Although the world contains a rainbow of colors, I choose green for my closest surroundings.

Which paragraph do you like the most?