Love and Choosing a Life Partner Chapter 5 Love and Choosing a Life Partner

Chapter Outline Love and Commitment Mate Selection: The Process of Selecting a Committed Partner The Marriage Market Assortative Mating: A Filtering Out Process Heterogamy in Relationships Meandering Toward Marriage: Developing the Relationship and Moving Toward Commitment Dating Violence: A Serious Sign of Trouble The Possibility of Breaking Up Nurturing Loving and Committed Relationships

Love and Commitment Love is viewed as the primary reason for getting and staying married. Loving involves the acceptance of partners for themselves. Loving requires empathy and commitment. Commitment is characterized by a willingness to work through problems and conflicts as opposed to calling it quits when problems arise; it involves consciously investing in the relationship.

Love Marriages between individuals with a relatively secure attachment style that take place around age twenty-five and are between partners who grew up in intact families are the most likely to be satisfying and stable.

Defining Love Committed lovers have fun together; they also share tedious times. They express themselves freely. They do not see problems as indications that their relationship is over. They work to maintain their relationship. Commitment is characterized by a willingness to work through problems and conflicts.

Sternberg’s Triangular Theory of Love Three components of love: Intimacy – close, connected feelings. Passion – drives that lead to romance, physical attraction and sexual consummation. Commitment – the decision to love someone and maintain that love.

Sternberg’s Triangular Theory of Love Three components develop at different times: Passion is quickest to develop and quickest to fade. Intimacy develops more slowly. Commitment develops gradually.

Sternberg’s Triangular Theory of Love Consummate Love Composed of all three components, is “complete love, …a kind of love toward which many of us strive, especially in romantic relationships”

Sternberg’s Triangular Theory of Love

Attachment Theory and Loving Relationships A secure attachment style is associated with better prospects for a committed relationship. An insecure/anxious attachment style entails “fear of abandonment” with possible consequences such as jealousy or trying to control one’s partner. An avoidant attachment style leads one to pass up or shun closeness or intimacy.

Facts about Families: Six Love Styles Eros Characterized by intense emotional attachment and powerful sexual feelings or desires. Storge An affectionate, companionate style of loving focused on deepening mutual commitment, respect, friendship, and common goals.

Facts about Families: Six Love Styles Pragma Involves rational assessment of a potential partner’s assets and liabilities. Agape Emphasizes unselfish concern for the beloved’s needs even when that requires personal sacrifice.

Facts about Families: Six Love Styles Ludus Emphasizes enjoying many sexual partners rather than searching for a serious relationship. Mania Rests on strong sexual attraction and emotional intensity. It differs from eros in that manic partners are extremely jealous and moody, and their need for attention and affection is insatiable.

Three Things Love Isn’t Martyring Manipulating Limerance

Love Isn’t Martyring Martyrs may: Be reluctant to suggest what they want. Allow others to be constantly late and never protest. Help loved ones develop talents while neglecting their own. Be sensitive to others’ feelings and hide their own.

Love Isn’t Manipulation Manipulators may: Ask others to do something that they could do. Assume that others will happily do whatever they choose. Be consistently late. Want others to help them develop their talents but seldom think of reciprocating.

Love Isn’t Limerance People in limerence fantasize about being with the limerent object in all kinds of situations. Limerence is characterized by little, if any, concern for the well-being of the limerent object. Limerence can turn into genuine love, but more often than not, it doesn’t.

Mate Selection: The Process of Selecting a Committed Partner Positive attitudes about the relationship, coupled with realistically positive assessments of a spouse’s personality traits, are important to marital stability. Supportive interaction results in greater marital satisfaction. Greater marital satisfaction, in turn, results in the greater likelihood of marital stability (staying married).

A Sequential Model of Mate Selection

Minimizing Mate Selection Risk Letting go of misconceptions we may have about love and choosing a partner Selecting a partner wisely involves balancing any insistence on perfection against the need to be mindful of one’s real needs and desires. Working things out requires both partners’ willingness and ability to do so.

The Marriage Market Individuals enter the market armed with resources—personal and social characteristics—and then bargain for the best “buy” that they can get.

Arranged Marriages Not uncommon in the less Westernized parts of Europe, Asia, and Africa. Couples in arranged marriages are expected to develop a loving relationship after the marriage. A study that compared marital satisfaction among arranged marriages in India to those more freely chosen in the United States found no differences in marital satisfaction between the two groups.

Free-choice Culture The United States is an example of a free-choice culture: People choose their own mates, although typically they seek parents’ and other family members’ support for their decision.

Arranged Marriage In arranged marriages, families and community do the bargaining, based on assets such as status, possessions, and dowry.

Free-Choice Marriage In freely chosen marriages, the individuals perform a more subtle form of bargaining, weighing the costs and benefits of personal characteristics, economic status, and education.

Social Exchange The ideas of bargaining, market, and resources used to describe relationships come to us from exchange theory Individuals pick the relationship that is most rewarding or least costly. In romantic relationships individuals have resources: beauty, personality, status, skills, maturity, intellect, originality, etc. Individuals also have costly attributes: being demanding, low status, geographic inaccessibility, etc.

The Traditional Exchange Women trade their ability to bear children and perform domestic duties, along with sexual accessibility and attractiveness, for a man’s protection, status, and support. Both women and men can experience gender related disadvantages in the traditional exchange.

Bargaining in a Changing Society Research that looked at mate preferences in the United States over the past sixty years showed that men and women have increased the importance that they put on potential financial success in a mate, while domestic skills in a future wife have declined in importance. One study indicates that, for today’s young man, a woman’s high socioeconomic status increases her sexiness. Today both men and women are likely to want a spouse with more education or who earns more than they do

Assortative Mating—A Filtering Process Individuals gradually filter those whom they think would not make the best spouse. Research has shown that people are willing to date a wider range of individuals than they would live with or become engaged to, and they are willing to live with a wider range of people than they would marry.

Homogamy: Narrowing the Pool of Eligibles People tend to marry people of similar race, age, education, religious background, and social class. Endogamy: marrying within one’s social group. Exogamy: marrying outside one’s group. Heterogamy, marrying someone dissimilar in race, age, education, religion, or social class.

Pool of Eligibles A group of individuals who, by background or birth, are considered most likely to make compatible marriage partners.

Reasons for Homogamy Geographic availability: (propinquity or proximity) geographic segregation, which can result from either discrimination or strong community ties, contributes to homogamous marriages Social pressure: cultural values encourage marrying someone who is socially similar to ourselves

Heterogamy in Relationships Heterogamy refers to choosing someone who is dissimilar in race, age, education religion or social class.

Heterogamy: Interracial/Interethnic Marriages in the U.S. Interracial marriages include unions between partners of the white, black, Asian, or Native American races with a spouse outside their own race. Unions between Hispanics and others, as well as between Asian/Pacific Islander or Hispanic ethnic groups are interethnic marriages. In June 1967, the U.S. Supreme Court declared that interracial marriages are legally valid in all states.

Number of interracial and Hispanic-non-Hispanic married couples, 2010

Interracial/Interethnic Heterogamy and Marital Stability Two factors to measure marital success: Stability — whether or how long the union lasts The happiness of the partners Some unhappy spouses remain married and some separate. Social scientists find that marriages that are homogamous in age, education, religion, and race are the most stable.

Interracial/Interethnic Heterogamy and Human Values One study found higher relationship satisfaction compared to same-race couples. Regardless of differences in race or ethnicity, common values and lifestyles contribute to relationship stability. Polls show Americans becoming less disapproving of interracial dating and marriage.

Heterogamy: Interfaith Relationships Between 30-40% of Jewish, Catholic, Mormon, Muslim, and a higher percentage of Protestant adults and children live in interfaith or interdenominational households One study found strong religious beliefs are associated with less couple conflict. Shared religiosity gave them a commitment to permanence, coupled with a willingness to forgive the spouse when conflicts emerged.

Heterogamy and Relationship Quality and Stability Marriages that are homogamous are more likely to be stable because partners are more likely to share the same values and attitudes when they come from similar backgrounds.

Meandering Toward Marriage: Developing the Relationship and Moving Toward Commitment Sociologists have long been interested in two central questions: What first brings people together? What keeps them together?

Meandering Toward Marriage: Developing the Relationship and Moving Toward Commitment Young people today “meander toward marriage,” feeling that they’ll be ready to marry when they reach their late twenties or so. Young adults express need to explore as many options as possible before settling down.

Contemporary Dating There is considerable variation in premarital romantic relationship The traditional dating script was facilitated by widespread access to the automobile

Dating versus “Nondating” Both men and women in the study said that a typical date involved 1) initiation 2) the date itself 3) an outcome Parents are very involved in overseeing their children’s behavior Nondating is generally sexual in nature (e.g., “hooking up”)

Issues for Thought: Sexual Assault and Acquaintance Rape What can you do to help prevent date rape? What should you do if you or a friend is raped by an acquaintance? What would or should you do if a friend or acquaintance of yours was known to be the perpetrator of a date or acquaintance rape?

From Dating to Commitment From an interaction constructionist perspective, qualitative research with serious dating couples shows that they pass through a series of fairly predictable stages.

The Wheel of Love Four stages of love Rapport – rests on mutual trust and respect Self-revelation – sharing intimate information Mutual dependency – developing interdependence Needs fulfillment – developing emotional exchange and support

Reiss’s Wheel Theory of the Development of Love

Dating Violence — A Serious Sign of Trouble Dating violence typically begins with verbal or psychological abuse and tends to occur over jealousy, with a refusal of sex, after illegal drug use or excessive drinking, or upon disagreement about drinking behavior. A recent study of 28 female undergraduates in abusive dating relationships found that some of these women felt “stuck” with their partner. A majority had assumed a “caretaker identity,” similar to martyring.

Indicators of Dating Violence Handles ordinary disagreements with inappropriate anger or rage Struggles to regain self-control when a minor issue triggers anger Goes into tirades

Indicators of Dating Violence Quick to criticize or verbally mean Unduly jealous, restricting and controlling History of violence in previous relationships

The Possibility of Breaking Up According to the exchange perspective, couples choose to stay committed or to break up by weighing the rewards of their relationship against its costs. When costs outweigh rewards, when there are desirable alternatives, when one’s relationship does not match one’s ideal, when little has been invested and when there are fewer barriers to breaking up, couples are more likely to do so.

Nurturing Loving and Committed Relationships Maintaining a satisfying long-term relationship is challenging Love Languages are a metaphor for the styles of love that make a person feel loved and secure.