How to Listen so Parents will Talk and Talk so Parents will Listen Working Effectively with Parents

 Opening survey  Maybe...  It’s easy to be afraid of (or angry at) parents  Parents have special needs and interests  Parents can be very critical consumers  Parents sometimes say things that throw us off our helping/counseling game (Bite-back)

 As Linda Braun of Families First Boston used to say: Because children are the future, parents are our focus.

 This workshop is rated “PG”  A blend of personal discoveries and evidence  Caveats and excuses  This is YOUR workshop  Talking and not talking  Communicate respectfully  Opening survey  We will never get finished

 The Portland VA Hospital – 1984  Basic common sense conclusion  One of the best ways to provoke people into misbehaving or into behaving in threatening ways is to ________________.

 The foundation for working effectively with parents boils down to using your common relationship sense  Avoid being too bossy  Avoid being insulting  Avoid telling people they’re being stupid or silly  Avoid backing people into corners  Be respectful... And DO NOT live by the Satanic Golden Rule

 Instead of following the SGR, use THESE PRINCIPLES  Empathic understanding  Radical acceptance  Collaboration  Positive feedback and validation  Because you are a: R_ _ _ M_ _ _ _

 Listen before you educate

 Two forms of empathy with parents  General – It’s hard to be a parent; parents worry about judgment... in the grocery story, by in- laws, etc. [They feel insecure and indignant]  Specific – Clean your room story ▪ Some parents will REALLY NEED to tell you a parenting story

 Radical Acceptance as an Attitude (from DBT) “I completely accept you as you are and am fully committed to helping you change for the better”  We use this especially when parents say something extreme

 Parent Volley: “I know it’s not popular, but I believe in spanking. When I was a kid, if I talked back I’d be picking myself up off the floor. Kids don’t have any discipline these days and as a parent, I have a right to parent my kids any way I want.”  Teacher/Counselor Return: “Thanks for being so honest about what you’re thinking. Lots of people believe in spanking and I’m glad you’re being straight with me about your beliefs.”

 Believing in the usefulness of openness...  Understanding that some parents will posture...  Knowing the data on MI (and techniques like concession)

 In the previous example, this is what happened:  Parent Response: “Yeah. Okay.”  Teacher/Counselor Return: “But I’m not all that positive about the picking yourself up off the floor thing.”  Parent Response: “Oh no. I didn’t mean I think that’s right.”

 Group participation – Volunteer example  Thank you... because...

 Practice with a partner  Case Example: Parent (speaking to the consultant about her adolescent son).  “I just can’t accept his homosexuality. I won’t tolerate sinful behavior in my home.”  Three Minute Practice

 How do we bring collaboration into the room?  Not knowing or understanding too quickly (holding back your pearls of wisdom)  “Expert” dance with a parent as your partner

 How do we facilitate collaboration?  Tell the parent(s): “You’re the best expert on your child and your family  Before offering your ideas, ask permission  Offer suggestions using an experimental attitude and mind set  Share “ideas” and not a definitive new plan

 Watch for the opportunity to give positive feedback and validation  You really know your child well  You’ve been working on this a long time and have tried lots of different strategies  Your child is lucky to have you as a parent  Look under the anger and posturing  Love reframe story

 We begin with empathic listening  We move to collaboration  We make sure to be radically accepting  We offer compliments and validation  We do all this so we can get to the main point:  Providing parents with specific parenting tips or guidance.

 Self-Preparation  Initial Contact, Connection, and Assessment  Techniques

 Preparing for button-pushing: Just like with challenging students  Responding to questions about your credentials or competence  Self-disclosure: When and how much and what kind? [Joining, empathic]

Meet, greet, and comfort (Mary Cover Jones: What did she use to extinguish fear?): What do you use? Role induction: As needed, explain the terrain If needed, obtain and provide a problem description (homework, classroom behavior) Honor the parent as expert by asking for the parent’s best explanation for the problem

 Expressing support, offering compliments, and using universality  Identifying goals (ask permission to write them down)  Listening for backward behavior modification

 Watch for:  Anything that seems comforting or reassuring  Complimenting  Goal-setting  Parent-child dynamics (e.g., backward behavior modification)

 A New Attitude  Looking forward to the problem (like nightmares)

 Whispering and Plans  The Whispering Story

 Grandma’s Rule  When you, then you...

 Use Passionate Praise and  Boring Punishment  Emma the Great

 Special time  You be my little brother

 Simultaneous empathy and limit-setting  Children at the fair

 Mutual problem-solving  Vide clip 2 or story

 Character feedback  Broccoli story

 The Seven Magic Choice Theory Words  I want you... but it’s your choice

 Everyday connection:  That Dog Don’t Hunt story

 What will you remember?  What will you try out?  You’re the kind of counselors who...

 The best spot for these is:  John’s blog at johnsommersflanagan.com

 Go to: Parents-Will- Talk/dp/ /ref=la_B0030LK6NM_1_ 7?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid= &sr=1- 7http:// Parents-Will- Talk/dp/ /ref=la_B0030LK6NM_1_ 7?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid= &sr=1- 7 

 Gershoff, E. T. (2002). Corporal punishment by parents and associated child behaviors and experiences: A meta-analytic and theoretical review. Psychological Bulletin, 128(4),  Holcomb-McCoy, C., & Bryan, J. (2010). Advocacy and Empowerment in parent consultation: Implications for theory and practice. Journal of Counseling and Development, 88,  Johnson, D. C., Harrison, B. C., Burnett, M. F., & Emerson, P. (2003). Deterrents to participation in parenting education. Family & Consumer Sciences Research Journal, 31,  Lassally, R. (2009). True mom confessions: Real moms get real. New York: Penguin Group

 Murphy, J. J. (2008). Solution-focused counseling in middle and high schools. Alexandria, VA: American Counseling Association.  Sommers-Flanagan, J. (2011). How to listen so parents will talk and talk so parents will listen. Hoboken, NJ: Wiley.  Sommers-Flanagan, J. (2007). Single-session consultations for parents: A preliminary investigation. The Family Journal 15,  Sommers-Flanagan, R., & Sommers-Flanagan, J. (2003). Problem child or quirky kid. Minneapolis: Free Spirit.  Vazquez, C. I. (2004). Parenting with pride Latino Style. New York: Harper-Collins