Supporting Grieving Students in Schools: Training Module - 1

Understanding the Grieving Student 1.Children’s understanding of death 2.How grief is experienced in children and adolescents 3.How children show their grief 4.Reactions of children to loss 5.Shame and guilt following a death 6.Impact of grief on learning 7.Types of losses 8.Grief triggers 9.How grief will occur over time This module will help school staff be better prepared to support grieving students through presentations about

Loss is common in the lives of children Loss is common in the lives of both younger children and adolescents About 5% will face the death of a parent by age 16 Almost all children experience the death of an important person in their lives It’s likely you work with grieving children every day, even if you don’t see any children who appear to be grieving

Between Six and Twelve Months of Age Children Begin to Understand Separation & Loss recognize that even when a person is not in their immediate view, the person exists elsewhere may become distressed at the absence of an important person Play “peekaboo” wherein they fix their attention on someone, then experience a brief separation This is followed by heightened awareness and concern, then relief and joy at the reunion “Peekaboo”

Four concepts about death 1.Death is irreversible 2.All life functions end completely at the time of death 3.Everything that is alive eventually dies 4.There are physical reasons someone dies

Death is irreversible Children may view death as temporary separation Adults may reinforce this belief Understanding this concept allows children to begin to mourn

All life functions end completely at the time of death Children may worry that the person who died is Cold In pain Afraid Lonely Hungry Understanding this concept helps children understand that the person who died is not suffering

Everything that is alive eventually dies Children may believe they and their loved ones will never die If children don’t see death as inevitable, they may wonder why a particular death occurred Misunderstanding can lead to guilt or shame Understanding this concept makes it less likely that children will associate death with guilt and shame

There are physical reasons someone dies If children don’t understand the real reason a person died, they are more likely to create explanations that add to guilt or shame Adults can help children understand the physical cause of death: ~ Use brief, simple language ~ Avoid graphic details Understanding this concept helps minimize possible confusion and feelings of guilt and shame

Grief Is Different for Each Child Based on… Personal relationship or perceived connection with the deceased Prior experience with loss Age and level of understanding about death Preexisting coping mechanisms Method of expressing strong emotions Available support systems Level of empathy for the needs of others

Deepest Impact of Grief Experienced by Students Who: Were family members or relatives of the deceased Were friends of the deceased or friends of a family member of the person who died Had a complicated or difficult relationship with the deceased Believed they were somehow responsible or contributed in some way, even indirectly, to the death Shared a relevant affiliation Experienced prior losses or emotional difficulties

How do children experience or show their grief? Sometimes grief is showed or observed on the outside through behaviors and what children say. Often grief is experienced on the inside and only discovered if the child is asked.

Reactions of Children to Loss Little or No Reaction Nonverbal Communication Anger Risky Behaviors Preexisting learning, emotional, or behavioral challenges may resurface or worsen Acting Younger

How children understand death

Guilt is Very Common After a Death… When something bad happens, children often assume they have caused the problem by acting badly Children may worry about the possibility that they will repeat their bad behavior & cause the death of someone else The preexisting relationship with the person who died was ambivalent or conflicted A death is preceded by a lengthy illness There may be some logical reason to experience guilt feelings Guilt is More Likely When…

Shame Can Be Experienced when Children & Adolescents Believe Their questions or comments about the deceased make a family member or adult upset. The person who died did something wrong that resulted in his or her death

Impact on Learning Difficulty concentrating and distractibility Limitations in learning and/or remembering new facts or concepts Failing to hand in assignments or study for exams because of reduced family supervision Preexisting learning challenges become worse

Types of Losses Primary Loss: the death of a family member, close friend or loved one Secondary Loss: Such things as changes in relationships, schools, family finances, and lifestyle Cumulative Loss: Results following a number of successive losses experienced by a child over time

Changed relationships Changes in school Financial challenges Changes in lifestyle Changes in peer group or status Common Secondary Losses A parent who is less available Loss of shared memories Change in future plans Loss of special recognition & support Decreased sense of security & safety

Communities with Cumulative Loss Students may have experienced the death of multiple peers and family members but do not become accustomed to such losses Poverty and neighborhood disorganization may complicate the child’s adjustment Children will benefit from adult guidance about how to express their thoughts and feelings, and how to cope best under these frightening circumstances Children may turn to peers for support and engage in a range of risky behaviors to challenge their fears about their own mortality Children benefit from being reminded of their personal resiliency and the support system they still have School personnel can achieve a great deal by providing opportunities for grieving students to express themselves and be heard by concerned, caring, and competent adults

Common Grief Triggers Hearing a song or seeing a TV show Special occasions Transitions Lost opportunities

Grief Over Time Grief proceeds on its own terms As children grow and develop, even normative transitions and changes in their lives will remind them of the loss As children develop, they become more capable of understanding and adjusting to their loss Children experience grief differently over time, and often revisit deep feelings at special events and times of transition

Grief in High School Juniors & Seniors Expected to be more mature and better able to handle the concepts and consequences of a death Difficulties concentrating may impact on their future Ambivalence about independence & worry about need for support Anxious about leaving family & friends behind Feel obligated to surviving family members Feel selfish about pursuing personal goals

This presentation was developed by… David Schonfeld, M.D., University of Southern California Thomas Demaria, Ph.D., Long Island University – C.W. Post Campus Marcia Quackenbush, M.S., M.F.T., M.C.H.E.S. With the support of members of the… National Center for School Crisis & Bereavement Coalition to Support Grieving Students

For further information Toll Free: NCSCB ( )

* Six topic sections contain video modules with each video accompanied by downloadable handouts that summarize the major points covered. * Links to additional resources for schools and families

Schonfeld, D., and M. Quackenbush. After a Loved One Dies—How Children Grieve and How Parents and Other Adults Can Support Them. New York, NY: New York Life Foundation, 2009.

Art Credits William T. Demaria Module 1 - slides 3,11, 29 Daniel Pollera Module 1 slides – 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 13, 24