Unit 7 Seminar Option 2: Revising and Editing A compilation of works by KU Composition Faculty

Goal: The goal of this presentation is to demonstrate how revising for the second draft can transform an essay.

Question: What direction does the second draft take? Now that we have worked through drafting and initial revision, we can focus on some additional ideas to take the essay further up the ladder of success. See the slides that follow for some great ideas about revision!

Revision Many revision issues exist, but divide revising tasks into three basic divisions: * Revise sentences for content (ideas) * Revise for grammar; proofread aloud. * Revise for APA (if necessary)—check each citation and reference item for APA format. Remember to focus on the sources you are using. Avoid overwhelming yourself with information you don’t need right now. You may generate many drafts! The more you draft, the better the chance of catching errors and making the essay stronger.

Understand Revision. Revision is simply the process of “re- seeing” the essay. The acronym “ARMS” can help writers remember important steps in revision. The next slide shows how!

Step 1: To Revise Content - Use the “ARMS” technique to revise: Do I need to Add anything? -- a word, a phrase, a sentence, a description. Do I need to Remove anything? Did I repeat myself? Do I need to Move anything? -- a word, a phrase, a sentence, a paragraph Do I need to Substitute anything? – a word, phrase, a sentence

ARMS: A word about adding... Ask yourself, “Do I have enough so that my audience will understand?” Use the acronym PREFACTS. P = personal observations or experiences placed in third person (he, she, they, a person, etc.) R= reasons E = examples F = facts A = analogies (comparisons) C = concrete sensory images (descriptions) T = testimony S = statistics

LET’S START WITH CONTENT Assessing thesis statements: 1.I believe our public schools are failing because of large class sizes. 2.Couples who stay married for the sake of the children are doing more harm than good, since their children often end up depressed, unable to sustain healthy relationships, and resentful of their parents. 3.Yoga is popular, fun to do, and good for your health.

TOPIC SENTENCES Topic sentences are there to focus discussion. Topic sentences function like a mini-thesis. Don’t list the key point; explain how it supports the thesis. Defines/limits what the paragraph can be about. Example thesis: 1.Couples who stay married for the sake of the children are doing more harm than good, since their children often end up depressed, unable to sustain healthy relationships, and resentful of their parents. Example topic sentences: 1.Couples who won’t divorce will end up with depressed children. 2.Those children will also have bad relationships. 3.Those children will be resentful of their parents. What’s going on here?

1.Couples who stay married for the sake of the children are doing more harm than good, since their children often end up depressed, unable to sustain healthy relationships, and resentful of their parents. Why does staying unhappily married equal depression? Why does staying unhappily married equal unhealthy relationships? Why does staying unhappily married equal resentment of parents?

REVISED THESIS STATEMENT Couples who stay married for the sake of the children are doing more harm than good, since their children often end up depressed, unable to sustain healthy relationships, and resentful of their parents.

EXAMPLE 2 – Revision of a paragraph Original Draft Thesis: Children’s toys can be dangerous, instructional, or creative. Children’s toys can often be extremely dangerous. A 2007 report from the National Safety Board states that more than 50,000 toys were recalled for safety reasons (Fletcher). These reasons included collapsing parts and pieces that could be easily broken. Most of these problems involved cribs and strollers, but some were toddler gyms. Elaine Lopez, an administrator at Pittsburgh Memorial Hospital, says her emergency room sees “dozens of broken arms, legs, and ankles plus more serious injuries like crushed pelvises and back injuries each year” (McNabb, 2008, p.41). Parents should think twice about what they’re children are doing.

Revised Draft When a parent gives a toy to a child, they probably are not thinking their child could be seriously injured. But with more than 50,000 toys recalled for safety reasons in 2007, it is obvious kids’ health and lives are at risk (Fletcher, 2007). Notably, one of the most popular toys from last year’s Christmas season, the Toddle bike, was recalled after hundreds of injuries related to a malfunctioning brake system (Quinn, 2009). However, manufacturing flaws are not responsible for most injuries. With the popularity of alternative sports like skateboarding and four-wheeling, kids may be taking more risks than a parent may realize. This is compounded by the many parents who do not require their kids to wear helmets and pads. Children too immature to understand these risks are even more apt to be hurt which may explain the “dozens of broken arms, legs, and ankles plus more serious injuries like crushed pelvises and back injuries” seen in American emergency rooms each year (McNabb, 2008, p.41).

As You Revise also Consider Sentence Length Keep in mind that a sentence does not have to be brief to be effective; long sentences can be worthwhile, too. In fact, an essay’s sentence length and structure should vary. Some sentences should be brief and others should be longer. Punctuation and the “sound” of sentences should vary. However, every word should be necessary.

Paragraph with too many short sentences Autism may be caused by injections. Specifically, the injections given to infants are suspect. Booster shots for tetanus, measles, and Diphtheria may contain thermasol. Thermasol is a preservative made with mercury (Tyson, 2004). Preservatives are added to give the drugs a longer shelf life. Some bodies are not able to process mercury. This may put those people at risk for developing autism at “a rate of more than 500%, particularly those with a familial tendency toward autism” (Jackson, 2006, p.7).

Paragraph with too many long sentences It seems impossible to not see the link between injections for children and the rise of autism in our country. Because American children receive a host of preventative inoculations such as measles/mumps/rubella, diphtheria/tetanus, chicken pox, and hepatitis, many experts believe the quality and quantity of the injections are problematic in the long term. With millions of dollars of profit at risk, pharmaceutical companies are choosing to include a mercury preservative that gives these injections a longer shelf life. Thermasol, the mercury preservative in question, leaves a residue behind in the system, and in particular the nervous system (Tyson, 2004). Interrupting the way the way the brain and nerves grow puts people at risk for developing autism at “a rate of more than 500%, particularly those with a familial tendency toward autism” (Jackson, 2006, p.7).

Paragraph with a balance It seems impossible to not see the link between injections for children and the rise of autism in our country. Specifically, the injections given to infants are suspect. Because American children receive a host of preventative inoculations such as measles/mumps/rubella, diphtheria/tetanus, chicken pox, and hepatitis, many experts believe the quality and quantity of the injections are problematic in the long term. Thermasol is a preservative made with mercury (Tyson, 2004). Preservatives are added to give the drugs a longer shelf life. Some bodies are not able to process mercury and the nervous system suffers. Interrupting the way the way the brain and nerves grow puts people at risk for developing autism at “a rate of more than 500%, particularly those with a familial tendency toward autism” (Jackson, 2006, p.7).

Check to ensure you have strong transitions. Using transitions in your writing will make it read more smoothly. A transition is either a single word or phrase that joins ideas and information. You can use these in paragraphs to link ideas; you can also use these to move from one paragraph to another.

TRANSITIONS To Show Connection andalsoas well furtherfurthermore in addition moreover next second too

TRANSITIONS To Give Examples for example for instance to illustrate as indicated by in fact

TRANSITIONS To Compare on the other hand in the same manner similarly likewise

TRANSITIONS To Contrast but, however, on the other hand, in contrast, nevertheless, still, even though, on the contrary, yet, although

TRANSITIONS To Summarize or Conclude in other words in short in summary to sum up therefore

TRANSITIONS To Show Time after, as, before next, during, later, finally, meanwhile, then when, while, immediately

TRANSITIONS To Indicate Relationships if, so, therefore, consequently, thus, as a result, for this reason, since

TRANSITIONS To Indicate Differences of course naturally although it is true that granted that

INTERNAL TRANSITIONS These transitions are called internal transitions because they are included in the course of a paragraph. Notice the first transition “therefore” bridges two sentences, so the writer has chosen to use a semicolon to create a single sentence. All of these changes improve the paragraph by unifying its ideas.

LINKING PARAGRAPHS Transitions should also be used to link paragraphs. This helps your reader move from one topic to another. It also gives the writer a chance to show how his or her ideas are related. Let’s look at how we can do this:

LINKING PARAGRAPHS Socialized healthcare is standard in nearly every industrialized country. This medical care is free; therefore, every citizen is able to receive the care he or she needs regardless of private health insurance or how much he or she can pay. For example, medications like antibiotics are easily available and help prevent more serious diseases. In fact, in a society without socialized medicine, a non-insured person might need surgery for a minor ulcer. This could develop into a more significant and costly health problem if surgery is delayed. Nevertheless, sixty million Americans, including many children, do not have insurance to pay for basic medical care (Reinhardt, 2004). However, these statistics do not include the massive number of uninsured, illegal immigrants. By including the last sentence, the writer indicates a transition away from Americans without insurance and toward a discussion of the problem of healthcare for illegal immigrants. This signals that the next paragraph will focus on this idea.

ADDING TRANSITIONS The following example has no transitions: Socialized healthcare is standard in nearly every industrialized country. This medical care is free. Every citizen is able to receive the care he or she needs regardless of private health insurance or how much he or she can pay. Medications like antibiotics are easily available and help prevent more serious diseases. In a society without socialized medicine, a non-insured person might need surgery for a minor ulcer. This could develop into a more significant and costly health problem if surgery is delayed. Sixty million Americans, including many children, do not have insurance to pay for basic medical care (Reinhardt, 2004).

ADDING TRANSITIONS Now, look at the difference when transitions are included: Socialized healthcare is standard in nearly every industrialized country. This medical care is free; therefore, every citizen is able to receive the care he or she needs regardless of private health insurance or how much he or she can pay. For example, medications like antibiotics are easily available and help prevent more serious diseases. In fact, in a society without socialized medicine, a non-insured person might need surgery for a minor ulcer. This could develop into a more significant and costly health problem if surgery is delayed. Nevertheless, sixty million Americans, including many children, do not have insurance to pay for basic medical care (Reinhardt, 2004). Notice how this version connects ideas and guides the reader through the paper.

Step 2: Look for the “small stuff” by proofreading Minor errors in punctuation and presentation can make a big difference for a project. Begin by checking for  spelling  grammar  punctuation  capitals  sentence structure

Proofread by reading aloud. Reading your work aloud and having others read it aloud can help you find many errors you might otherwise overlook. Be sure to come to allow your voice to come to a full stop when you reach a period. Is the sentence complete? Is there too much information in the sentence? Will the reader find the sentence difficult to follow?

Proofreading versus Spell Check Spell check is a good first pass of your document, but it should not be relied on to catch every error. For example, spell check won’t catch misused words, only misspelled words.

Misused Words Homophones—words that sound the same but have different spellings Homonyms—words that sound the same but which have the same spelling. However, they have different meanings. Since the words sound alike but have different meanings, homophones won’t usually be caught by spell check.

Examples Examples of these words are: -affect vs. effect -there, their, they're -too, two, to -then vs. than -loose vs. lose desert vs. dessert

Step 3: Check Documentation Did you use proper APA format? Did you include proper paraphrases with in-text citation? Did you use quotation marks around words that are not your own? Did you use in-text citations with your quotations? Did you include a References page? Did you include a Title page? Go to the KU Writing Center for more info. Library/ResearchCitationAndPlagiarism/Index.aspx Library/ResearchCitationAndPlagiarism/Index.aspx

Step 4: Walk away for a while! Allow time for “cooling.” “Cooling” occurs when you take a break from writing and revising. Do something else and return to your work with a fresh perspective. Give every step a task, and do not mix drafting with revising at the same writing session.

You’re doing well! With each new activity, we gain writing skills. Take a moment to consider all you have learned and accomplished!