The Mother-Daughter Project

We all have one thing in common:

Our Daughters

“No More Mean Girls” Confidentiality Definition of Bullying Dateline Video Clip Share Your Story What Do the Experts Say? Kind Campaign Video Clip Tools to Help Our Daughters

Bullying Definition Bullying is unfair and one-sided. It happens when someone hurts, frightens, threatens, or leaves someone out on purpose. Bullying is often a repeated activity however it could also be a one time event. Bullying always involves a power imbalance

Dateline “My kid would never bully” PU&feature=related&safety_mode=true&pers ist_safety_mode=1 PU&feature=related&safety_mode=true&pers ist_safety_mode=1

What is your story?

What do the experts say At first it was all about the boys and the bullies. In recent years, the attention has turned to adolescent girls and to what psychologists call "relational aggression," or the kind of behavior depicted in the film Mean Girls. The destructive behavior can start as early as preschool but tends to be most pronounced in early adolescence. BYU research found that about 17 percent to 20 percent of preschool and school-age girls display aggressive behavior. It also shows up in boys, but much less frequently. In the late 1990’s as girls were exercising their power and challenging gender roles, we saw more concern about meanness and aggression among girls.

Mean-girl behavior, typically referred to by professionals as relational or social aggression and by terrified parents as bullying, has existed for a long time. Experts worry that the kind of taunting often observed among the youngest children - criticizing each other’s clothing, saying things like “I’m not your friend anymore’’ - can lead to full-fledged bullying by adolescence. Though research on cruelty among girls is relatively new, it is clear that the use of friendship as a weapon begins as early as preschool, says Rachel Simmons, author of “Odd Girl Out: The Hidden Culture of Aggression in Girls.’’

"Cliques are self-reinforcing," writes Wiseman. "As soon as you define your role and group, you perceive others as outsiders. It's harder to put yourself in their shoes, and it's therefore easier to be cruel to them or watch and do nothing.” In Queen Bees and Wannabes, Wiseman, describes the clique as a “Life raft for adolescent girls.”

CYBER-BULLYING Kids have been behaving badly toward other kids for a long time. But in today's world, peer groups have more influence than ever before, and technology makes it easier for children to be anonymous and more widespread in their cruelty.

ROSALIND WISEMAN “Unlike adults, kids don’t regard technology as separate from the rest of their lives. To them, everyday life and what happens digitally are one and the same, with a constant flow of information between the two. In my view, this total immersion means that the chance of your child being involved in bullying, as either a target, a bystander or, yes, a perpetrator, is 100%.”

TIPS FROM ROSALIND 1. Skip the easy answers. 2. Acknowledge that your child could be at least partly in the wrong. 3. Don’t let the bystander off the hook. 4. Do not jump in. 5. Hold the line.

SEXTING Every day, tweens and teens are sexting—using cell phones to take, send and forward photographs and videos of themselves semi-naked, totally naked or in sexually suggestive poses. Thirty percent of girls 9 to 15 said they’ve sent explicit messages or photos of themselves, according to a survey conducted by the research and marketing group AK Tweens.

Kind Campaign / /

Tools to Help Our Daughters It's also important to respond in a positive and accepting manner. Let your child know it's not his or her fault, and that he or she did the right thing by telling you. Ask your child what he or she thinks should be done. What techniques has she already tried? What worked and what didn't? Seek help from your child's teacher or the school counselor. Most bullying occurs on playgrounds, in lunchrooms, and bathrooms, on school buses or in unsupervised areas. Don't encourage your child to fight back. Instead, suggest that he or she try walking away to avoid the bully, or that they seek help from a teacher, coach, or other adult.

Help your child practice what to say to the bully so he or she will be prepared the next time. Help your child practice being assertive. The simple act of insisting that the bully leave him alone may have a surprising effect. Explain to your child that the bully's true goal is to get a response and to take the power. Encourage your child to be with friends that will support her and stand up for her. The bystander can be very powerful.

How parents behave makes a difference. The first thing parents can do is recognize that what they say and how they treat other adults and children has an enormous influence on how their own children behave.