Internet Infidelity: What happens to Intimate Relationships? Manjushree Palit, PhD Jindal Institute of Behavioural Sciences, O.P Jindal Global University

Wife complains that the husband is always on the phone/ sharing sexual and emotional messages to an online friend. During the day, he is at work and in the evening, he is immersed in his phone/ s/computer. He neither spends time with her nor helps her in household chores and with their children. She is emotionally and physically exhausted in the relationship. Whenever they talk, they end up fighting and their relationship is in turmoil. They are disconnected. She does not trust him and does not know how long this can continue. Case Study

Examples My wife is sharing descriptive sexual messages with a Facebook friend How can my boyfriend can have such an emotional conversation with his whatsapp female friend and not with me? Chatting/Sexting

Is this Infidelity?

Wife complains that the husband is always on the phone/ sharing sexual and emotional messages to an online friend. During the day, he is at work and in the evening, he is immersed in his phone/ s/computer. He neither spends time with her nor helps her in household chores and with children. She is emotionally and physically exhausted in the relationship. Whenever they talk, they end up fighting and their relationship is in turmoil. They are disconnected. She does not trust him. She does not know how long this can continue.

What Is Lacking In The Couple Relationship? Closeness or Intimacy What is present in the relationship is as important as what is lacking in the relationship! Gottman and Krokoff (1989) found that couples engaging in conflicts in a functional way benefit longitudinally from engaging and resolving conflicts. On the contrary, dysfunctional longitudinal behaviors in partners such as stubbornness, withdrawl, and defensiveness result in unhappy couples and marital dissatisfaction in the long run. Weigel and Ballard-Reisch (1999)- Relationship maintenance behaviors such as commitment and satisfaction of both partners are essential

Impact of Unhealthy Intimate Relationship Experiences Impact on the Couple Relationship When couples are unhappy and dissatisfied. Such negative experiences influence the couple relationship and each other’s behavior (Palit, 2013) emotionally distant from each other; do not support each other and sharing of ideas is stressful; one partner feels unfulfilled in sexual relationship with spouse; unable to resolve differences; unable to trust and depend on each other; couples are not happy with their social interactions. Intergenerational Effect Parents’ marital quality influenced the marital quality of young adult offsprings’ through the following experiences: by observing the quality of parental marriage, the number of arguments, nature of positive and negative interactions, and presence of violence (Amato & Booth, 2001).

Intimacy or Closeness and Its Components Commitment “trust”, “loyalty”, “fidelity”, “faithfulness”, “being there” and “together forever” (Palit, 2013) Love and loyalty were present in both Indian and American couples (Myers, Madathil & Tingle, 2005 )

Intimacy or Closeness and Its Components Emotional Closeness: Ability to express verbally and non-verbally feelings (Schaefer & Olson, 1981; Waring & Reddon, 1983) Self-Disclosure & Partner Disclosure: Disclosure of factual and personal information. Partner’s responsiveness (validation or pleasantness of the exchange) (Lippert & Prager; 2001; Reis & Shaver, 1988). Couples talk - emotions, thoughts, behaviors, wishes, needs, likes and dislikes, information, worries, fears and secrets (Palit, 2013).

Intimacy or Closeness and Its Components Openness or intellectual intimacy or shared ideas or intellectual intimacy (Schaefer & Olson, 1981) Receiving encouragement and support (Merves-Okin et al., 1991). Ability to share thoughts, attitudes, and be authentic in the relationship (Van den Broucke et al., 1995; Waring & Reddon, 1983). Couple- “what you do in reality, what are you doing for yourself and for each other” and “how much involved one is in the other’s life.” (Palit, 2013)

Intimacy or Closeness and Its Components Physical Intimacy involves -physical affection and communication More than just the act of having sex, it involves physical display of affection which may be nonsexual in nature, as well as communicating about sex (Palit, 2013) Spouse’s recurrent disinterest or long- term disinterest in sex can result in conflict (Palit, 2013)

Intimacy or Closeness and Its Components Relationship Skills Having agreements and disagreements” and “tolerance and intolerance towards unpleasant aspects of partner’s personality” (Palit, 2013)

References Amato, P. R., (1994). The impact of divorce on men and women in India and United States. Journal of Comparative Family Studies, 25, Gottman, J. M., & Krokoff, L. J. (1989). Marital interaction and satisfaction: a longitudinal view. Journal of consulting and clinical psychology, 57(1), 47. Lippert, T., & Prager, K. J. (2001). Daily experiences of intimacy: A study of couples. Personal Relationships, 8, Mervins-Okin, L., Amidon, E., & Bernt, F. (1991). Perceptions of intimacy in marriage: A study of married couples. The American Journal of Family Therapy, 19, Myers, J. E., Madathil, J., & Tingle, L. R. (2005). Marriage satisfaction & wellness in India and the United States: A preliminary comparison of arranged marriages and marriages of choice. Journal of Counseling & Development, 83, Palit, M. (2013). Uncovering Messages of Intimacy in Urban, Educated, and Middle-income Married Indian Couples: A Phenomenological Study Using Pictures as Metaphors (Doctoral Dissertation). Virginia Polytechnic Institute and State University, Blacksburg, VA Reis, H. T., & Shaver, P. (1988). Intimacy as an interpersonal process. In S. Duck, D. F. Hay, S. E. Hobfoll, W. Ickes, & B. M. Montogomery (Eds.), Handbook of personal relationships: Theory, research and interventions (pp ). Oxford, England: John Wiley & Sons. Schaefer, M. T., & Olson, D. H. (1981). Assessing intimacy: The PAIR inventory. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 7, 47–60. Van den Broucke, S., Vertommen, H., & Vandereycken, W. (1995). Construction and validation of a Marital Intimacy Questionnaire, Family Relations, 44, Waring, E. M., & Reddon, J. R. (1983). The measurement of intimacy in marriage: The Waring Intimacy Questionnaire. Journal of Clinical Psychology, 39 (1), Weigel, D. J., & Ballard-Reisch, D. S. (1999). How couples maintain marriages: A closer look at self and spouse influences upon the use of maintenance behaviors in marriages. Family Relations, 48,