Amil Alzubaidi, LMFT, School Psychologist Amil Alzubaidi, LMFT, School Psychologist

 How are we communicating at home? Effective Clear Concise  What is going right? Focus on strengths Support challenges/struggles

 What are our families stumbling blocks?  Boundaries Limits  Interaction Defensiveness Criticism Contempt Stonewalling  John Gottman’s Work 4 horseman of the Apocalypse

STAGES ACCEPTANCE OF DISABILITY  Denial  Anger  Bargaining  Depression  Acceptance

 Empathy: compassion for the difficulty of another’s experience.  Sympathy: feeling sorry for the person, pity Empathic engagement uncovers hope *

 John Gottman handout

*ACTIVE LISTENING *ASKING QUESTIONS *VALUE *INPUT

 Conflict Resolution =  (effective communication + effective listening) Compromise

 I STATEMENTS I FEEL WHEN I BECAUSE I I WOULD LIKE

 Five factors of trust development Consistent Dependable Reliance Unconditional Acceptance Faith

 Parenting Styles  Boundaries & Limits  Rules & Consequences

 Whining  Indecisive  Manipulative  Passive  Yields

 Stop  Think  Act  Responses

 Reactive  Assaultive  Manipulative  Boundary Violations  Obnoxious

 WIMPY : Whining, Indecisive, Manipulative, Passive, Yields  STAR : Stop, Think, Act, Responses  RAMBO : Reactive, Assaultive, Manipulative, Boundary Violations, Obnoxious

 Degrees of anger  Covert: withholding of emotions, thoughts and actions until an activating event results in the individual exploding.  Passive Aggressive: Acting as if everything is fine while secretly acting in ways to offend, anger, inconvenience or undermine others.  Overt: aggressive display of thoughts, emotions and actions.  Healthy Anger: empathic expression of thoughts and emotions to address emotions of hurt.  The key is to address the core issue of the anger Hurt/Pain/Loss

 Step One  Effective withdraw from the situation or individual  Entails utilizing the STAR technique including:  Stop: Stop all of your behaviors completely! Stop talking, gesturing and moving. TAKE A BREAK  Think: Think about the positive and negative aspects of your options. Think about why the other person may be feeling the way they do. Have you communicated fairly? Have you listened to there side? Understand? Be wary of your pride!

 Act: Start with communication then act on your thought out decision  Responses: look at the responses of others and notice if your action was hurtful? Helpful? Did it get your point across without putting the other individual on the defensive? Did your actions make fun of or scare others? Did your actions help solve the problem or compound it? Ask yourself, if your actions helped or hindered you?

 Example: I feel ______ when you _______ (describe specific action). I wish you would _______ (specific replacement action)  Think (how will you respond):  (Pro’s)  (Con’s)

 Step Two  Physical release of anger without hurting self, others and/or items of value.  Running  Screaming in a pillow  Lifting weights  Walking

 Step Three  Expression of emotion Identifying secondary emotion (hurt) versus primary emotion (anger)  Remember the Iceberg Engaging in expression of secondary emotion through various activities  Drawing  Writing  Painting  Clay  Poetry  Audio or video recording

 Step four  Attempt resolution with the intended individual or situation Takes two to Tango Avoiding reactivity is a critical component to resolution  WIMPY STAR RAMBO

 Boundaries: The Fence with a gate! You have control of the gate.  Limits: Lines in the sand that protect the fence.  First step: Identify YOUR OWN BOUNDARIES, boundaries must be POSITIVE.  Boundaries for Parents: Discuss disagreements in private United front Self care time  Boundaries for Kids: Be respectful when speaking to one another Use appropriate language Follow your schedule Ask for permission Respectful of personal property A good rule is to establish a maximum of 5 boundaries as we have 5 fingers to help recall those boundaries.

 Exercises used to develop boundaries:  Personal Space 360 degree distance with arm fully extended  Clear tape Using clear tape, tape areas between the individual an others to visualize physical boundaries  Modeling demonstrating appropriate boundaries (Success lies in placing externalized boundaries for the individual until the individual learns to internalize the boundaries.  Role Play act out a scenario demonstrating appropriate boundaries  Good rule is to target the majority of senses (kinesthetic, auditory, and visual), personalize the content and practice, practice, practice to assist the individual in developing boundaries!