Leadership Roots in Family Life Leadership Roots in Family Life Emlyn A. Ott Healthy Congregations, Inc.

Differentiating a Self is a Life- long Process “Differentiation is the lifelong process of striving to keep one’s being in balance through the reciprocal external and internal processes of self-definition and self-regulation. It means the capacity to become oneself out of one’s self with minimum reactivity to the positions or reactivity of others.” Ed Friedman Basic and functional levels of differentiation

Exploring Family Systems Theory and the Life of Faith Eight Concepts – triangles, cut-off, sibling position, differentiation of self, nuclear family emotional process; family projection process, multigenerational emotional process, societal emotional process Two Life Forces – anxiety and closeness/distance A Ninth Concept: A point of discovery and further study

Sibling Position and Emotional Process Siblings are with us for the whole journey. If siblings are the longest lasting relationships of most people’s lives, and about 85% of all people have at least one sibling, then significant insight can be mined about growth through sibling position and emotional relationships. Can this relationship be a stronger element in the process of differentiation? If we expanded our curiosity and attention to these partners in our journeys and attempt to expand our “sibling position repertoire” what might be the result?

Siblings as Co-Conspirators, Friends, Enemies, Litter Mates Within the scientific community, siblings have not been ignored Research has been limited to discussions of birth order: oldests are said to be strivers; younger one’s rebels; middle kids the lost souls

The People We Evolve Into Looking at that through the lens of sibling position, emotional process and relationship shifts There is much fruit that can be borne by looking at the relationship between siblings “They are the person with whom we spend most of our lives, how could they not be an influence?”

Siblings of Note Share examples of sibling groups that come to mind from the Old and New Testament. What do you notice about emotional process between the brothers and sisters? Talk about an example of a sibling group that personally impacted you.

Popular Culture and Sibling Position

Downton Abbey “The Making of Downton Abbey” from Season 1 Why the fascination and popularity? Relationships between the process in the Earl of Grantham’s family and the family created “in service.” Where do you notice the impact of sibling relationships? Differentiation of self? Anxiety? Closeness and distance?

Toman’s Portraits of Types Walter Toman determined that there were ten basic “types” of sibling position combinations. Positions are the basic building blocks from which other relationships are formed Positions could be “pure” or combinations

The Shorthand b (b) older brother of a brother (b) b younger brother of a brother b (s) older brother of a sister (s) b younger brother of a sister s (s) older sister of a sister (s) s younger sister of a sister s (b) older sister of a brother (b) s younger sister of a brother single female child single male child In addition, Gilbert names an 11 th constellation-- twins

Family Constellation, page 141 “Sibling positions are the roles that a person has learned to take in a family and tends to assume in situations outside the family, whether merely initially or more permanently.” “The most elementary of a person’s social behavior preferences, interests and attitude are often retained.”

Duplication Theorem One tends to be comparatively happier and more successful in permanent relationships the more closely they resemble earlier relationships, particularly of the original family

Other Things Being Equal People tend to get along with each other the more that their partner resembles a sibling of theirs. Toman studied marriages in Germany and concluded that there was a higher incidence of problems in marriage and often leading to separation or divorce if there was a rank and/or sex conflict

Roberta Gilbert, Connecting with Our Children “This (sibling position) is where we start…use it for information. The higher families and individuals are on the scale of differentiation, the less sibling position determines and limits.”

What about Sibling Position? It takes us right back to our families of origin for discovery. It is not very instructive, because people in all eleven constellations function well. It is not prescriptive. It helps us to describe processes in the larger dynamic of a family lived out in the development of sibling relationships.

Self and System Observations S (SB) or (BS) S (SB) Diagram your sibling position and the position of significant people with which you work. What would you notice about current work/congregational relationships for yourself? Where do you see parallels or dissimilarities with family process? What do you need in your vocational setting to encourage clarity of thinking and maturity of relationships? How have you applied your understandings of family process to your work/vocational relationships?

Ott Family Diagram

Rank/Sex and Sibling Position in the Congregation or Denomination In what ways do you observe your sibling position to relate to how you carry responsibility around ministry? What impact might your sibling position have relative to dealing with the how you deal with transitions, decision making and roles within your congregation or larger church body?

Steps toward Differentiation of Self with Respect to Sibling Position Increase contact with siblings Develop a separate one to one relationship with each sibling Expand the contact beyond the siblings to include cousins, aunts and uncles (and of course parents if they are still alive) Bring out the emotional reactivity Be present at times that anxiety and intensity are higher and visible Observe the principles at the heart of one’s perspective

Image of Brothers and Sisters in Christ As for us, brothers and sisters, when, for a short time, we were made orphans by being separated from you—in person, not in heart—we longed with great eagerness to see you face to face. 1 Thessalonians 2:17