Ebony Gant August 2, 2013 AGIN 524

 The first and maybe hardest part of the process is acknowledging your parents are aging. (Denial)  Next, is that feeling of changing roles and responsibilities.  Emotional separation  If parents are competent then they should decide their own fate such as planning their own needs, retirement, hiring help or moving to a continuing care home or just want to stay at home.  Confusion  Important: “Acknowledge that parents, whether their behavior is innocent or whether they have conscious or unconscious ulterior motives, can contribute to confused and differing perceptions among siblings.”  Learn about your parents disease!

 First and foremost make a plan in advance!  This includes elderly parents, adult children with spouses, children and other intimates  As siblings be conscious on who will become the primary caregiver.  Practical considerations such as location, availability and competing responsibilities.  Must be considerate of which sibling is best suitable to care for mom or dad given relationships and the temperament of the parent.  Remember “ Perfect choices don’t exist. We have complicated lives and established family dynamics.”

 Don’t assume it has to be you- or all you  Ask yourself: What’s the worst thing that can happen if your sibling takes over for a spell?  Don’t confuse good care with happiness  Take a hard look at what you’re getting from caring- the good, the problematic, and the ugly  Be alert to the hook from childhood

 Don’t think you’re off the hook  Contribute time or money to give your sibling a break  Don’t underestimate emotional support  If your sister is driving herself crazy into the ground, factor in the stresses of being on the spot.

 Look again: You’re not sharing a bedroom anymore.  Don’t assume your siblings are grown-up versions of their childhood selves. Give them the benefit of the doubt.  Assume they have grown and developed; if you talk to them adult to adult  Be ready: Rivalries can erupt after decades of dormancy.  If this happens try to put a new grown up spin on your childhood relationships.  Start a conversation but DO NOT ATTACK!  Near or far, imagine yourself inside your sibling’s skin  Be alert  Call a truce: Agree to cooperate on the concrete tasks at hand

 Many tend to only think that only the parents are the ones in need.  As adult children there is also a self need for:  Emotional support  Gratification  Satisfaction from others  Exercise  Read books and websites  Talk with others

 Wait for your siblings to catch up  Even after a dementia diagnosis has been made, we will absorb this reality at different times.  Get resources and referrals from the Alzheimer’s Association- right away!  You can get guidance on how to deal with your siblings and your parents.  Accept conflicting realities  Remind yourself that it is normal for each of you to have different beliefs about whether your parent is still with you or has departed.

 Pay attention to your well parent  Don’t assume your mother/ father is handling everything or that she/ he is even a reliable source of information. Be alert for signs that he/ she is not coping well, or that he/ she is in denial.  Voice those “unacceptable” feelings  Keep your parent in the picture.  Not everyone can do this, but research at the University of Miami has shown that caregivers who continue relating to their demented parent are less depressed.

 Find out your parent’s wishes  If they won’t sign a living will, or even talk directly about their death, engage them casually about other people’s end- of- life situations.  Try to do this at a family occasion when your siblings can hear what they say.  Put your parent’s wishes ahead of your needs  This is your parent’s life and death. He or she deserves to have their wishes honored.

 If feasible, use hospice services  With hospice, you can give your parent the best death possible with the least pain and suffering.  Take advantage of all the education hospice offers and all the counseling services available.  Just arrived? Try to learn all you can before you react.  Talk to nurses and doctors and find out what your parent really needs and what you can- and can’t- do for them.

 Create everyday rituals to help you take in the loss  Don’t ignore special days  Make something that belonged to your parents your own  Accommodate your sister’s or brother’s coping style  Adapt old traditions or create new ones  Reflect on whether you are moving forward  Think actively about your parent’s legacies, positive and negative.