Let’s Talk: A Pastoral Conversation about Gays, Faith and Family A Resource of Fortunate Families, Inc.

Synod on the Family An invitation to dialogue and discussion “Dialogue is what brings peace. Peace is impossible without dialogue.” Pope Francis

The Vatican asked us:  “How can the Christian community give pastoral attention to families with persons with homosexual tendencies?”  “What are the responses that, in light of cultural sensitivities, are considered to be the most important?”  “While avoiding any unjust discrimination, how can such persons receive pastoral care in these situations in light of the Gospel?”  “How can God’s will be proposed to them in their situation?”

For Our Purposes... How can we best minister pastorally to gay and lesbian persons and their families? Can we welcome gay and lesbian persons fully into parish life? If so, how do we do that with the “respect, compassion and sensitivity” called for in the Catechism?

“Mom, Dad… I’m gay" What does that mean – in fact? What does that mean – to the child? What does that mean – to the parents?

What is human sexuality?  American Bishops: … “a gift from God.” Human Sexuality, 1991  American Psychiatric Association: … “four components.”

APA: Four Components of Sexuality: Our biological sex Our gender identity Our social gender role Our sexual orientation

Our Sexual Orientation…  American Bishops: …a “deep-seated dimension of our personality” …Always Our Children (Committee on Marriage & Family, NCCB)  American Psychological Association: …part of our human sexuality … “an enduring pattern of emotional, romantic and/or sexual attractions to men, women or both sexes.”

Two Big Questions 1) Does a lesbian or gay person choose their orientation? 2) Can a lesbian or gay person change their orientation?

Choice and the Sciences… American Medical Association American Psychiatric Association American Psychological Association American Academy of Pediatrics The American Counseling Association The National Association of School Psychologists National Association of Social Workers

Choice and the Church… A person “does not will to become a homosexual” … U.S. Bishops’ Committee on Pastoral Research and Practice 1976 – “Some persons find themselves through no fault of their own to have a homosexual orientation.” “To Live in Christ Jesus”…A Letter from the American Bishops Conference 1994 – “They [homosexuals]do not choose their homosexual condition.” …1994 Catechism -- # – “… homosexual orientation is experienced as a given, not as something freely chosen.” Always Our Children

And what about change? NCCB – “permanent, seemingly irreversible…” Always Our Children – “deep-seated… relative stability…” APA -- “Scientific evidence does not show that conversion therapy works…it can do more harm than good.” A tragic history.

Still Looking… The APA says… “ There is no consensus among scientists about the exact reasons that an individual develops a heterosexual, bisexual, gay or lesbian orientation. Although much research has examined the possible genetic, hormonal, developmental, social and cultural influences on sexual orientation, no findings have emerged that permit scientists to conclude that sexual orientation is determined by any particular factor or factors.”

What It Means…to the Person Fr. Bob Nugent: “The gradual discovery of one’s homosexual orientation involves a deep and constant sense of being ‘different’ from everybody else, and, at the same time, a tremendous amount of pressure to keep that ‘differentness’ well hidden from others. “Along with this go a certain amount of guilt, a lot of fear and much confusion. Not being able to share this, even with those who are closest to us, means that a person must live with a real sense of isolation and loneliness that non-gay people simply cannot fully understand or even begin to imagine.”

What It Means – in School GLSEN 2013 Survey Shows:  74% - verbally harassed  36% - physically harassed  17% - physically assaulted  49% - cyber bullied  57% - did not report bullying  62% - of those who reported said school staff “did nothing about it  Attendance, GPAs, participation all affected.

Paul’s Plea… “I challenge us– individually and as a community – to listen to the stories of gay and lesbian people. For, perhaps more than any topic I can think of, this is one area where those who don’t know, speak – and those who know, find themselves voiceless.” Paul Giurlanda, Professor of Theology and Religious Studies, St. Mary’s College of California

What It Means… To a gay man… “From seventh grade to the age of 30, nothing was worse than being gay….In sophomore year, like nearly all high school boys, I fell in love, though in a different way from my friends. I fell in love instead with a boy who sat one row away from me. It felt overwhelming. I was alarmed, ashamed, guilty….

What It Means… “There was no one with whom I could share these feelings, even to acknowledge that the feelings existed. I felt then the beginnings of what I would feel most profoundly for the next 15 years. I was alone. And I believed that I would always be alone, with no symbol nor myth, no conversation, no dialogue, no hope.” … Bill Glenn,1966 Graduate of Creighton Prep and member of the Jesuit Order for 10 years.

What It Means… To a lesbian daughter: “My parents are lifetime Catholics and they obey with all the rules and laws of the church strictly. To them, my actions are actually a serious sin….My mother would refer to me as the black sheep in the family which hurts me a lot. We have had zero connection ever since, though we live in the same house.”

What It Means… To a gay son… “I am 28…and thinking of coming out to my extremely conservative parents….Everything they say about homosexuality is really disparaging…not sure if they’ll ever get through the ‘my-son-is-going-to-hell’ stage.”

What It Means… To a lesbian daughter: “Your newsletter…helps me realize that I’m not alone, and there are others out there with the same struggles as me….I’m much too afraid to let anyone at my church know….I’m 20 years old.”

What It Means… To a 12-year-old gay boy – as he asked if it was okay to pray in a Catholic church… “My dad told me that God never wanted to hear my voice again.”

What it means to Parents? It depends…  What do they know?  How do they feel?

Rejection Can Mean… Dr. Caitlyn Ryan’s study shows consequences of high levels of family rejection:  more than 8 times more likely to attempt suicide  nearly 6 times as likely to report high levels of depression  more than 3 times as likely to use illegal drugs  more than 3 times as likely to be at high risk for HIV and STD … Family Acceptance Project, San Francisco State University, 2009

And what does it mean for the Church to listen?