COMMUNICATING YOURSELF and FIGHTING FAIR Catherine Gillo Nilsson Student Affairs University of Gothenburg NUAS CONFERENCE STOCKHOLM 2012

ENERGISER: A momentum builder, An introduction, A short training activity BODY, HEART, MIND

WHAT TO EXPECT The proposed outcomes of this workshop are: -increased insight on the concept of assertiveness and assertive communication with compassion [what] -practice self-expression and train the ability to formulate self-disclosing “I-messages” [when, how] -to gain increased awareness of one's conflict management style in order to further develop conflict management skills – [what,when,how] Interactive workshop. Experiential learning method.

Self Concept... the organized consistent conceptual gestalt composed of perceptions of the characteristics of 'I' or 'me' and the perceptions of the relationships of the 'I' or 'me' to others and to various aspects of life, together with the values attached to these perceptions. It is a gestalt which is available to awareness though not necessarily in awareness. It is a fluid and changing gestalt, a process, but at any given moment it is a specific entity. -Carl Rogers, 1959: Founder of humanistic approach to Psychology

Unfinished Business Workshop House Rules

Introduction: CONFLICT MANAGEMENT STYLES a group activity Compete and Fight it out to win I yield - you win, I lose Avoidance Compromise

DEBRIEFING REFLECTIONS: Thoughts, Feelings, Reactions, Observations CONCLUSIONS: Lessons learnt ACTION : What and How

What is Assertiveness and Assertive Communication Skills? Non-assertive AssertiveAggressive Passive Experiential Exercise 1 The assertive behaviour continuum

What is Assertiveness and Assertive Communication Skills? Non-assertive AssertiveAggressive Passive DEBRIEFING The assertive behaviour continuum Honest, open, direct, Communicating respectfully as equals

WHEN: Situations and purpose When you want to express your thoughts, emotions, and needs. When you want to give an honest and facilitative ’feedback’ on how another person’s words or actions affect you When you want to formulate clearly a request When you receive feedback and want to respond effectively ASSERTIVENESS and ASSERTIVE COMMUNICATION

HOW: Communicating Yourself ”Connecting compassíonately with ourselves and others” SELF-EXPRESSION: the expressive, responsive and preventive I-messages SELF-DISCLOSURE: The full-bore, self-disclosing I-message / I-declaration ASSERTIVENESS and ASSERTIVE COMMUNICATION

PRACTICING SELF-DISCLOSURE: The full-bore I-message / I declaration 1. When you…(non-blameful description of behaviour/situation)… 2. I feel ……because (feelings and concrete and tangible effects on you)… 3. I would like / appreciate …(request or proposal for the future) Experiential Exercise in pairs followed by debriefing in whole group. Different scenarios.

DEBRIEFING the EXERCISE

Part 1: Observation vs Judgment / Evaluation A non-blameful, objective description of behaviour: (observing without judging) be concrete and specific in describing behaviours based on facts do not generalize be honest and do not exaggerate or over-state ”Observing without evaluating is the highest form of human intelligence.” - J. Krishnamurti, Indian philosopher

Part 2: Feelings vs Non-feelings Identifying and expressing clear statement of feelings and acknowledging needs distinguish between feelings and thoughts (how we think others behave towards us) be honest and do not exaggerate do not try to look for sympathy connect your feeling with your ”need” (or what difference it does make to YOU)

Part 3: Request vs Demands Making request to achieve a relationship based on honesty and empathy Be honest Use clear, positive, specific action language in expressing what you really want Make request consciously Ask the receiver to reflect back, or paraphrase the message

COMPASSIONATE COMMUNICATION ASSERTIVE COMMUNICATION with COPMPASSION Assertiveness, Honest self- expression Listening and Receiving with Empathy

C O P E R A T I V E N E S ASSERTIVENESS I win, YOU lose COMPETING YOU win, I lose ACCOMMODATING COMPROMISE WIN-WIN COLLABORATION AVOIDING Based on Thomas-Kilmann Conflict Managemenet styles

COMPASSIONATE COMMUNICATION Assertiveness, Honest self-expression Listening and Receiving with Empathy CORE TRAINING WORKSHOP For PEER HELPERS ”UBUNTU” and The concept of Peerness Self-awareness, Values clarification Non-vebal communication, Non-verbal attending Roadblocks to effective communication Active listening and Empathy Empathic Response Questioning skills I-message, Assertiveness Decision-making Confidentiality, Ethics, Referrals

DEBRIEFING The Experiential Learning Cycle (Kolb and Fry, 1975) Reflection Concrete experience Wisdom Action

Debriefing (ELC) How did you experience the exercises? What was the most challenging moment in the exercises for you? How did you experience being in this group? What were your thoughts feelings and reactions while participating in the activities? What did you observe? How would you compare this experience with past experiences in the same area? What did you learn about yourself? About others? What personal meaning has this exercise for you? What will you do differently in the future as a result of this experience? Any other insights gained or regained today ?

SUMMARY AND CLOSURE

Let’s end this workshop with Marimba rhythms Thank you for your participation !

References and further readings: Borisoff, D., and D.A. Victor. Conflict Management: A Communication Skills Approach. 2nd ed. Boston: Allyn and Bacon, Carr, R. & Saunders, G. The Peer Assistance Starter Kit.3rd edition. Victoria, Canada: Peer Systems Consulting Group, 2011 Covey, S. (1989), Seven Habits of Highly Effective People. New York: Simon & Schuster. Kolb, D.A. & Fry, R. (1975). Toward an applied theory of experiential learning. In C.Cooper(Ed.) Theories of group process. London: John Wiley. Rosenberg, M. (2003), Non-violent communication: a Language of Life. California: PuddleDancer Press. Thomas, K.W., and R.H. Kilmann. Thomas-Kilmann Conflict Mode Instrument. Sterling Forest, NY: Xicom, Inc., 1974