Module 3: Encouraging Discussion

Acknowledging Death: Is it a Taboo Subject? Why?

Why is death taboo? Fear of the unknown Reluctance to upset the bereaved person Fear of knowing what to say Fear of stirring up own emotions Avoidance may seem easier Unwilling to confront own emotions and memories Seeking ‘permission’ to talk from the bereaved Embarrassment Cultural habits, ‘stiff upper lip’ Feelings of guilt and responsibility Don’t want to remind person of their loss Few mourning rituals, no mourning period, medicalisation of death and private rather than communal affairs

How can open discussion be encouraged?

Acknowledging Death, Encouraging Discussion Most bereaved people want to talk and share their experience Talking can be an important step Express simple empathy Listening non-judgementally can be supportive Death of someone close is inevitable for everyone Death is part of life’s cycle TV/books/films/music/writing can be helpful Showing emotion is not a sign of weakness Open discussion about spiritual/cultural beliefs is important Rituals are important Positive action towards bereaved people is helpful Helping people develop confidence and self- belief can enable positivity Signposting to agencies can be useful especially those who have complicated grief

Grief Assessment What was the relationship? Nature of the Attachment Mode of Death Historical Antecedents Personality Variables Social Variables Cultural differences Gender differences * Adapted from William Worden (1982). Grief Counseling and Grief Therapy. New York: Springer Publishing Company.

Tasks of Grief To accept the reality of loss To experience the pain of grief To adjust to an environment without the deceased To withdraw emotional energy and reinvest in another relationship * Adapted from William Worden (1982). Grief Counseling and Grief Therapy. New York: Springer Publishing Company.

Theories on Bereavement Elizabeth Kubler-Ross: Stages of Grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance. William Worden: Four tasks of grieving. Robert Neimeyer: Rebuilding life and search for meaning. Klass, Silverman & Nickman: Continuing Bonds. Tony Walter: Bereavement & Biography, continuing narrative.

Can you think of any unhelpful phrases said to bereaved people?

Unhelpful Phrases I know how you feel The pain will get better It’s going to be alright You will be fine Don’t cry, cheer up Be brave There, there It was meant to be You should be over it by now It is better to say “I’m sorry” or that you don’t know what to say.

What Can We Do To Help Bereaved People?

Ways To Support someone who has been Bereaved By being there – Do not attempt to offer any solutions, there aren’t any. After practical help in the early days, do not underestimate the value of being present and listening. Listen in an accepting and non-judgemental way – Allow people to grieve in their own way. There is no right or wrong way to grieve. It is very individual. Demonstrating empathy with the person – Use good listening skills. By encouraging discussion about the deceased – Use person’s name, ask about their life, share photographs.

Ways to support someone who has been Bereaved By tolerating silences – Give people time to process thoughts. Be familiar with own feelings about bereavement and death Normalising – Reassure person that difficult feelings are part of grief and they are not going mad. Feelings – Anger – Do not take vented feelings of others personally, they are likely to be part of the grieving process.

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