Mary Anne Trotman The MAT Consultancy Games People Play Mary Anne Trotman The MAT Consultancy

What is a Game? Repetitive pattern of behaviour Played out of Adult awareness by 2 or more players Can be over in minutes or last for years Played at different degrees Follows a set pattern Involves discounting Involve hidden agenda & unspoken messages beneath overt behaviour Meets a need for both players

Think of a recent situation when… You and the other person both ended up feeling bad You ended up saying something like: Why does this always happen to me? How did that happen again? I thought they were different Typical… You were surprised or confused by the outcome It somehow felt familiar Felt like something happening / being said “between the lines” How did you feel and think at the end?

Critical/Controlling Ego States A P C Adult ego-state Behaviours, thoughts & feelings which are direct responses to the here-and-now Parent ego-state Behaviours, thoughts & feelings copied from parental figures Child ego-state Behaviours, thoughts & feelings replayed from childhood CP NP A RC AC FC Adult Nurturing Parent Critical/Controlling Rebellious Child Adapted Free

Transactions We communicate from one of our ego states to an ego state of the other person (transactions) Different ego states will give different responses We can shift between our own, or target specific ego states of another person, to influence the outcome of our communications We communicate at a social and psychological level People respond to the psychological level message

Social Level Transaction Transactions A P C A P C Social Level Transaction (What’s actually said) Where are my keys? On the hall table

You’re always moving my stuff! Transactions A P C A P C Ulterior Transaction (Psychological / Unspoken Message) You’re always moving my stuff! Where are my keys? On the hall table You’re always criticising me!

Why we play Games Prospect of meeting mutual needs Receive recognition / attention (strokes) A way of passing time Affirm Life Position – reinforce script beliefs Avoid intimacy / attempt to gain intimacy To make people predictable

Why Don’t you… Yes But… Oh stop pushing me I’ll do it when I’m ready Oh now I’ve gone and upset them again I don’t know what to try next… Why don’t you ask Jim, he's done it before Oh Yes but he’s always so busy Why don’t you do that webinar Yes but it’s not really specific enough for my problem Well why don’t you call that coach you met last month Yes but that will be too expensive

Game Formula Structured exchange between 2 or more players Invitation & Response Series of parallel (social & ulterior) transactions Switch (Ego State/Drama Triangle position) Confusion/Surprise – uncomfortable emotional response Payoff (reinforce Life Position/Script)

Initiator Responder Invitation/Response Ulterior motive for playing Social Transactions (Ego States) Ulterior Transactions (Ego States) Switch Uncomfortable Emotion Payoff

Initiator Responder Invitation/Response Appears to want help Offers help/support Ulterior motive for playing Wants attention & to justify inactivity Meets need to help others Social Transactions (Ego States) Adult Ulterior Transactions (Ego States) Child – Parent (from helpless Victim-y Child) Parent – Child (from Rescuing Parent) Switch Switch to CP Switch to Child Uncomfortable Emotion Self-righteous Anger Deskilled and foolish Payoff Confirms belief that they will never succeed Confirms I’m Not OK position

I NEED HELP I WANT ATTENTION

You get the Games you “need”… I must be … Will attract games that … Reasonable Provoke you Helpful Deskill you Strong Make you feel weak Perfect Expose your flaws Win Make you fail Please others Threaten disapproval

The 6 advantages of Games Biological advantage: gaining attention and stimulation, which are essential for our well being. Existential advantage: Confirming the life position. Internal psychological advantage: Defending against internal fears and old unwanted feelings. External psychological advantage: the avoidance of a feared situation by playing the game. Internal social advantage: Providing players with pseudo-intimacy. External social advantage: This is relating to the opportunity to talk with others, outside of the game about the game.

Drama Triangle P Persecutor Rescuer R Victim V

Games & Discounting P R V I’m OK I’m OK You’re Not OK You’re Not OK Belittle / Put others down Discount Other I’m OK You’re Not OK I must help, others not able to help themselves Discount Other I’m Not OK You’re OK I can’t cope on my own Discount Self V

Healthy Triangle Potent Respond Vulnerable

Recognising & Stepping out of Games Familiarise yourself with how games work Who starts them, with whom do you play, what need in you gets hooked… Stop discounting yourself and others Don’t blame self / others or do more than your fair share Share your awareness with the other player Respond from Adult “what do you think you will do about it?”

Know how Games meet your needs Identify your need, e.g. I must be reasonable, helpful … What are we really after? What is our imagined ideal outcome? Are we seeking to gain or avoid something? Are we seeking to confirm some status / image? What do you want to see happen to other player? Think your way out Question flawed assumptions, universal rules, faulty definitions/roles Act your way out Take control of your needs rather than let others control them

What is a Game? A process of doing something with an ulterior motive that: Is outside of Adult awareness Does not become explicit until the participants switch the way they are behaving Results in everyone feeling confused, misunderstood and wanting to blame the other person

Mary Anne Trotman “ I help businesses & individuals enhance their performance and fulfil their potential by developing their Emotional Intelligence. ” Mary Anne Trotman The MAT Consultancy Contact me : @MATconsultancy matconsultancy matrotman@btconnect.com www.matconsultancy.co.uk 07880 972774