Journal #1  What quality will you most avoid when choosing a future spouse? Why?

Objectives / Standards: The student will be able to: Analyze the importance and process of mate selection.

Mate Selection Your “key” to unlocking a happy marriage.

There a many theories related to the mate selection process… Will be discussing just a few of these today to broaden your knowledge and understanding.

 Choose Wisely: This decision could impact your life more than any other.

Theories of mate selection…  Theory of Propinquity  Exchange Theory  Complimentary Needs Theory  Time and Place Theory (Happy Collision)  Filter Theory

Theory of Propinquity  We marry people we know. If you only know people from school, work, church, college, etc., that is who you will marry.

Exchange Theory  We evaluate our worth and find someone of similar worth. We find people for us with similarities to us (looks for looks, money for money, etc.) People will exchange or barter to make up in areas (ie my looks for your money). This is why it is not uncommon to see people getting married that look like brother or sister.

Complimentary Needs Theory  We find people that compliment our needs. Dominant people find submissive people. A nurturant person finds someone who wants to be mothered.

Time and Place Theory (Happy Collision)  Fate… we marry the person we are supposed to when the time is right. This theory suggests that we could have married many of the people that we dated but the timing wasn’t right. This is against societies expectations that there are times in our life when we should get married because that is the next step: after college, after establishing our career, when returning from military service, etc.

More on the Happy Collision  People generally marry about 4 years after they begin to date on a regular basis.  This theory also states you will marry someone within the geographical area that you live (long distance relationships require more time and money).  Average ages for marriage are: *US men-24.5 women-22.5 *Utah men-22 women-20

Filter Theory  We filter out people that don’t meet our criteria (color of hair, height, age, etc.)  The three types of filters are: –Biological –Social –psychological

Biological Filters  Most people choose the same gender.  We choose someone close to our age (most 22 year old men are not looking for a 54 year old woman).  We can rule out our relatives…  Physical features are usually similar to ours, ie. Body type, weight, height, etc.

Social Filters  We often marry within our same social class or income level.  There is an increase chance of marriage success when we stay in our own class.  Race is the least-likely line to be crossed in mate selection.  Most people marry within their own religion.  We try to find someone of similar intelligence and education.

Psychological Filters  Based on conscious and unconscious needs of people.  These needs are based on childhood experiences.  People will often marry someone similar to their opposite sex parent.

Other considerations…  You need to determine if your personalities go well together and here are some aspects you should consider: –Amount of personal space needed. –Type of love language. –Seriousness or lightness of personality. –Gender-role compatibility. –Interests and hobbies. –Desire for achievement. –Are they picky, meticulous, detailed, sloppy, etc.?

The BIG Questions  Does this person make you a better person?  Would you rather be with this person than any other person in the world?  Could you spend the rest of your life with this person?  Could you spend the rest of your life without this person?

There are no gray areas when answering those questions… if you have doubts, you need to look at the relationship very seriously.

ENGAGEMENT CASE STUDY  Becky and Joe had been dating for 4 1/2 years. They were both in their senior year of college when they got married. Everyone thought they were the perfect couple. He was a big football star, but had suffered enough injuries that he knew he wanted another career. She had been a cheerleader all through high school.

 They had both been obsessed with taking care of their bodies. Perhaps that is what brought them together; they both spent so much time in the gym. Their marriage had been relatively trouble free for three years and everyone marveled at how well they had taken care of themselves. They both looked as good, if not better, than in their college days. However, one problem had surfaced.

 Joe wanted children. They both had stable jobs and he was ready to start a family. Becky had been putting of having a baby for over a year now and Joe could not understand why. One night they got into a heated discussion about having children. Becky expressed her feelings.

 She told Joe that she really did not want to bear a child. She felt adoption was a more reasonable way of getting a child. Her rationale was that they both had spent many years refining their bodies.

 Why should she be expected to suddenly give up her body to have a baby? She had seen birth films when she was in college and she did not want to go through that process. Joe was devastated. What would happen now?

 1. Would it have helped if Joe had known this about Becky before they were married?

 2. How could this problem have been identified then?

 3. What could have been done before marriage about the problem?

 While Joe probably assumed that Becky wanted children and was willing to give birth to them, only half of his assumption was true.  Never assume that you know how your partner feels about ideas and important issues. These are differences of opinion that could cause a great deal of stress later in the marriage.

Assignment  Read getting to know your future mate.  Complete worksheet and turn in to basket