 Types of Behavior I vs You Messages What’s your style? Is it effective in communicating your thoughts, needs, and wants.

Passive Behavior  Ignoring  Not saying anything  Letting the other person get what he or she wants  Letting others disrespect you

Aggressive Behavior  Verbal or physical threats or actions  Fighting  Bullying  Gossip  Engaging in hurtful behavior

Assertive Behavior  letting others know about your needs and wants  considering the needs and wants of other people  standing up for your rights while respecting others letting others know about your needs and wants  considering the needs and wants of other people  standing up for your rights while respecting others

Which type of behavior are each of these?  Your friend goes in your book bag and takes out a pen and you:  A. Say, “Hey Jeff, I really don’t mind you borrowing my pen but I do mind that you went into my book bag, next time ask first?”  How would this make you feel if it was your book bag?  How would this make you feel if you went in the book bag?

Which type of behavior are each of these?  Your friend goes in your book bag and takes out a pen and you:  Grab the pen and say; “Jeff you’re a jerk, keep out of my stuff!”  How would this make you feel if it was your book bag?  How would this make you feel if you went in the book bag?

Which type of behavior are each of these  Your friend goes in your book bag and takes out a pen and you:  Give them a dirty look but don’t say anything.  How would this make you feel if it was your book bag?  How would this make you feel if you went in the book bag?

Create your own examples  Take out notebook paper  Write 3 scenarios that could happen in your daily life leaving space for responses.  Hand your paper to the person to your right at your table.  Respond in writing to the first scenario aggressively, passively, assertively.

Create your own examples  Pass the paper to the right again.  Write your three responses for the second scenario.  Once more, pass your paper to the right and write your three responses to the final scenario.

Evaluate the responses  Return the paper you have to the original person who wrote the scenarios  Read the responses your classmates wrote.  Do you agree that all the responses fit into the correct category? If not, write why they don’t.  How would you have handled the situation? How would that make you feel in the end?

Assertive Communication  What are the traits of an active listener?

Encouraging  Use neutral words to help the other person say more about the situation and how they feel.

Reflective  State in your own words what you hear the other person saying, including their feelings and needs.

Understanding  Listen carefully and clarify anything that is not clear. Ask nonjudgmental questions.  Use eye contact. Your body language and gestures need to show that you are interested and listening.  Give the person time to speak. If you ask a question or make a statement, wait for a response.

Understanding  Give the person your complete and undivided attention.  Focus on what the person is saying without interrupting, correcting, advising, or telling your own story.

Practice What would you say or do in the following scenarios  Your friend just yelled at you for going in their book bag without asking.  Your boy/girlfriend says: “I saw you talking to Mary/Fred. I don’t have anything to say to you right now. You’re a jerk.”  Your boss says: “I’m not happy with your work so I’m giving you less hours.”

I vs. You Messages  I Messages Communicate problems without escalating conflict Statement about yourself Begin with “ I… ” Usually focus on a feeling State a problem without blame

I vs. You Messages  You Messages Communicate problems but may escalate conflict Statement about the Other Begin with “ You… ” Usually focus on an act Often blame the Other for the problem

Examples of I vs. You Messages  I Message Examples I was really disappointed when I came home and found the kitchen a total mess. I was really upset and stressed when I found I had to do all my work and your work too.

Examples of I vs. You Messages  You Messages Examples You didn ’ t clean up the kitchen as you promised to do! You didn ’ t get your work done last night, so I had to do your work and mine too!

Use of I Messages  Can allow the Other to save face  Helps the Other to see the effect  of their actions  Encourages remedy

Use of You Messages  Causes the Other to “ lose face ”  Tends to make the other defensive  Encourages argument and debate, not remedy

Make an I statement Rewrite the following statements into I statements  You’re such a slob when you don’t clean up the dishes after yourself.  You’re talking so much I can’t hear the teacher, you’re such a jerk.  You never return my text messages, I guess you don’t like me anymore.

Turn in work in the proper bin.