© 2006 The McGraw-Hill Companies, Inc. All rights reserved. Communication and Intimacy Chapter 4

© 2006 The McGraw-Hill Companies, Inc. All rights reserved. Perspectives on Communication

© 2006 The McGraw-Hill Companies, Inc. All rights reserved. Good Communication Key to intimacy and family interaction Way humans create and share meaning The process of transmitting feelings attitudes beliefs ideas

© 2006 The McGraw-Hill Companies, Inc. All rights reserved. Couple Strengths in Communication STRENGTHHappy Couples Unhappy Couples Very satisfied with how we talk 90%15% Partner understands how I feel 79%13% Easy to express feelings 96%30% Partner is very good listener 83%18% Partner does not put me down 79%20% Olson & Olson, 2000

© 2006 The McGraw-Hill Companies, Inc. All rights reserved. Communication Verbal and nonverbal—consistency is key: strongly associated with good marital adjustment Direct actions form of communication Body language is another form of nonverbal

© 2006 The McGraw-Hill Companies, Inc. All rights reserved. Top Five Communication Issues for Married Couples—Percent with Problems Wish my partner were more willing to share feelings 82% Have difficulty asking partner for what I want 75% Partner does not understand how I feel72% Partner often refuses to discuss issues/problems 71% Partner makes comments that put me down 67% Olson & Olson, 2000

© 2006 The McGraw-Hill Companies, Inc. All rights reserved. Gender Differences in Listening— Tear’s Work Male Irregular eye contact Infrequent nodding Infrequent use of “uh- huh” Multiple activities Interruptions to speak Questions to analyze speaker’s information Female Uninterrupted eye contact Frequent nodding Undivided attention Pauses to speak Questions to illicit more information

© 2006 The McGraw-Hill Companies, Inc. All rights reserved. Gender Differences in Speaking— Tear’s Work Male Few pauses Abrupt topic changes Speaks until interrupted Speaks louder than previous speaker Frequent use of “I” Rare self disclosure Humor based on teasing, jokes Female Frequent pauses Connects information Stops speaking when information delivered Matches volume Frequent use of “we” Self disclosure Humor interwoven into discussion Humor seldom based on teasing or jokes

© 2006 The McGraw-Hill Companies, Inc. All rights reserved. Gender Differences in Communication—Tannen’s Work Men’s Style Competitive Action oriented Solution oriented Women’s Style Connection oriented Relationship oriented Affiliative Communication involves finding the balance between competing needs for intimacy and independence

© 2006 The McGraw-Hill Companies, Inc. All rights reserved. Critique on Tannen’s Work Major criticism is Tannen’s work polarizes gender differences Other researchers argue similarities between men and women greater than differences

© 2006 The McGraw-Hill Companies, Inc. All rights reserved. Cultural Differences in Communication Cultural variations in use of verbal and nonverbal communication Variation found in: Gestures Greetings Eye contact

© 2006 The McGraw-Hill Companies, Inc. All rights reserved. Basic Communication Principles You cannot not communicate Message sent is often not the message received Communication failures rest with both people Each message conveys content and relationship information Incongruency between verbal and nonverbal communication is problematic Metacommunication unbinds the double bind

© 2006 The McGraw-Hill Companies, Inc. All rights reserved. Communication Processes Open communication Ability to share feelings and ideas with others Positive communication Communication that lacks conflict & difficulties Messages involve Content Process Messages involve Verbal components Nonverbal components

© 2006 The McGraw-Hill Companies, Inc. All rights reserved. Parent-Adolescent Communication

© 2006 The McGraw-Hill Companies, Inc. All rights reserved. Nonverbal Communication Nonverbals can: Complement or contradict verbal component Repeat or emphasize verbal Serve to regulate conversation Ability to interpret nonverbal communication important in successful relationships

© 2006 The McGraw-Hill Companies, Inc. All rights reserved. Communication Messages Mixed messages Discrepancy between the verbal and nonverbal components Double bind Verbal and nonverbal messages result in questioning relationship or conflict Metacommunication Communicating about communication

© 2006 The McGraw-Hill Companies, Inc. All rights reserved. Barriers to Communication Physical and environmental: closer physical distance is associated with more intimate relationships and self disclosure physical confinement can also lead to conflict and tension Situational Psychological Gender

© 2006 The McGraw-Hill Companies, Inc. All rights reserved. Using Communication Skills To Maintain Intimacy

© 2006 The McGraw-Hill Companies, Inc. All rights reserved. Self Disclosure Disclosure of personal information or feelings to another Key to development of intimacy Involves: Awareness of information Predisposition to disclose Disclosure varies among relationships

© 2006 The McGraw-Hill Companies, Inc. All rights reserved. Self Disclosure & Comments by Relationship Type

© 2006 The McGraw-Hill Companies, Inc. All rights reserved. Listening Listeners influence the telling of the “story” Listener’s motives or goals Persuasion Looking for opening to jump in and control Directing Attempt to channel the conversation Discovery Attentive listening to learn

© 2006 The McGraw-Hill Companies, Inc. All rights reserved. Responsive Styles in Interpersonal Communication Assertive Expression of one’s thoughts, feelings, and desires as a right Passive Unwillingness to say what one thinks, feels, or wants Aggressive Aims to hurt or put down the other person

© 2006 The McGraw-Hill Companies, Inc. All rights reserved. Communication Patterns and Intimacy Person APerson BRelationship Who Wins Level of Intimacy Passive Devitalized- boring Both loseLow PassiveAggressiveDominatedI win, you lose Low Aggressive ConflictedBoth loseLow Assertive Vital/growingBoth winHigh

© 2006 The McGraw-Hill Companies, Inc. All rights reserved. Key Concepts in Understanding Communication Cycles Assertiveness: persons ability to express his or her feelings and desires Self-confidence: a person’s feelings about self and ability to control things in life Avoidance: person’s tendency to minimize issues and a reluctance to deal directly with issues Partner dominance: degree to which partner is felt to be controlling and dominant

© 2006 The McGraw-Hill Companies, Inc. All rights reserved. Communication Cycles Positive Communication Cycle: Assertiveness Self confidence Negative Communication Cycle: Avoidance Partner dominance

© 2006 The McGraw-Hill Companies, Inc. All rights reserved. High Assertiveness versus High Aggressiveness Assertive individuals Low in avoidance Low in partner dominance Like personality of partner Feel good about partner communication Feel good about conflict resolution with partner Aggressive individuals Low in assertiveness High in partner dominance Dislike personality of partner Dislike communication with partner Dislike conflict resolution with partner

© 2006 The McGraw-Hill Companies, Inc. All rights reserved. Positive and Negative Cycles

© 2006 The McGraw-Hill Companies, Inc. All rights reserved. Improving Communication Four requirements: Positive feeling between partners and motivation to develop understanding Willingness to disclose attitudes, feelings, and ideas An ability to reveal attitudes, feelings, and ideas clearly and accurately Reciprocity

© 2006 The McGraw-Hill Companies, Inc. All rights reserved. Improving Communication I-Statements Describe personal thoughts, feelings, or experiences in first person singular Advantages: not threatening promote openness focus on problems rather than personalities