Personal Needs and Expectations Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are a good person is a little like expecting the bull not to attack you because you are a vegetarian. DENNIS WHOLEY 'Blessed is the man who expects nothing, for he shall never be disappointed' ALEXANDER POPE

Objectives / Standards:  The student will be able to:  Identify common marital adjustments and how to resolve them.  Identify the difficulties in the first two years (myths versus reality).  Discuss the impact of parental approval or lack or approval of the marriage (in-laws).  Discuss adjusts in marriage (dual income, personal needs and expectations, sexual adjustments).

What Do You Think?  Men and women are different in many ways, especially in the way they think.  In his book, “What Wives Wish Their Husbands Knew About Women” Dr. James Dobson relates an interesting theory about this differences.

Values Values  Men like to offer solutions directly to women, when a problem arises, while women, offer unsolicited advice.  When men do this, it invalidates the women’s feelings, and men do not like to be “told what to do”, especially if they didn’t ask for advice.

Stress  Men tend to pull away and silently think about what’s bothering them, Going into their “cave” Women feel an instinctive need to talk about what’s bothering them.

Motivation  Men feel motivated when they feel needed Women are motivated when they feel cherished. Women are motivated when they feel cherished.

Languages  Men express things more literally  Women express things more about feelings

Intimacy Intimacy  A man gets close, but then inevitably needs to pull away  Women need to understand this, and understand that when he retreats, he will swing back like a rubber band

A man deals with each circle as he is required to. They do not overlap, but remain entirely separate from one another.  If he is watching a ball game on TV and the children come in screaming, he may not notice them because he is watching TV. When the game is over the circle is closed.  He may pay bills and even discuss then with his wife, but when he has finished, that circle is closed. Work Money Children Health Food meetings transportation

On the other hand woman deals with her life much differently  She can comfort a child with a cut knee while she makes dinner and may even be on the phone at the same time.  She may pay the bills and be thinking about which child needs new shoes or the refreshment she must take to the PTA meeting.  A woman will think of many things at once. If this were to be shown, it would look like the above diagram. work health children money transportation food

Where as the man has forgotten about the disagreement he had with his wife earlier in the evening, she has not. She is still thinking about it when she goes to bed. Obviously, she is not in the mood for sex.  If a man and woman understand these things about each other, it will help their relationship immensely.

 A man would know that in order to gain his wife’s attention, he needs to apologize or at least discuss problems before wanting intimate relationships.  The wife would understand that her husband is not trying to hurt her feelings, he simply deals with things in a different way.  Both people need to work together to understand one another and create a quality relationship.

Millions flood therapists' offices to wail that they are not getting their "needs" met, and still more millions carry through (often with the sanction of their therapist) to rid themselves of the inadequate mate. Not that I think venting one's dissatisfactions isn't important, and not that I don't think it's a step on the way to recovery, but the point is that such venting is a step. It's a step on the way to taking personal responsibility for one's lacks and finding ways to personally fill those lacks without taking them out on the unfortunate spouse.

Meeting each other needs:  His needs are more Physical and Emotional  Her needs are more Emotional and Physical

How did “Traditional” get to be a tradition?  Before the industrial revolution in the early part of this century, men and women worked side by side. It was not until work was moved to the factories that women’s work place became the home and labor was rigidly divided by sex.  But currently, the numbers of women in the work force have dramatically increased with more than half of all married women and mothers working outside the home.  The biggest increase in women in the work force are women with preschooler and infants.

What would you say are the main reasons for women being in the workplace? 1. Economics Factors –Most women use their income on necessary goods and services for their families. –Almost 20% of families are headed and supported by single-parent mothers. –For many families where the husband is the major wage earner, the wife’s earning often raise a family above the poverty level.

–The economic reasons for women being employed remain throughout the life cycle. Young couples stage: to save for a car or home. Young children stage: make car & home payments. Older children stage: to support children in college. Children fully launched: to save for retirement.

2. Changing Gender Roles –Although men have traditionally found their identity through work outside the home, women have found their identity through work inside the home. –Women are moving into the occupational world as an important avenue for personal fulfillment.

3.Family Life Cycle Changes –In early years childbirth was difficult and the large number of children born meant that most women never lived to see all their children fully grown. –Women are living longer, having fewer children, and have more time left over from raising children to work. –25 years is the average number of years remaining for employment outside the home.

What are the main problems encountered by two-income families? 1.There are competing demands of career and family life. 1.The parents have not had family roles models to help them know how to manage careers and families together 2.Less time is spent with children. 2. Working women often suffer from high blood pressure, headaches, tension, and depression caused by stress.

Sharing Roles Successfully 1. Men have to accept the fact that they are needed to help with the housework. 2. Small children can help out with easy jobs. 3. Older children can help take responsibilities for house work, child care, and meal preparation. 4. Other conflicts may include: –Work hours may be opposite each other. –Transportation and arranging child care. –Jealously over a partner having a higher paying or more prestigious job. –Parent may feel ownership: for specific roles.

Work individually using the orange information sheet to answer “Two Careers and Children Equal Stress”.

Sexual Adjustment in Marriage Marital Adjustments

Expectations  Forbidden Fruit  Fireworks  Intimacy and familiarty

Importance of Sex in Marriage  Sexual intimacy gives couples a level of closeness and loving intimacy they may not reach any other way.  For the most part, the quality of a marriage is reflected in the quality of the sexual relationship. Although there is a strong relationship between the sexual side of a marriage and the overall happiness of the marriage, sex is not the most important thing in marriage. However, sexual frustration makes sympathetic understanding difficult.

Variety of Needs  One partner usually has a stronger sex drive than the other  Desired frequency may be different for men than for women  Social conditioning affects the sex drive  Early in marriage, men may feel uncertainty, awkwardness, excessive sexual tension  One partner may feel that sex is appropriate anytime once they are married, while the other partner may have a list of inappropriate times

SEX IS COMMUNICATION  Unexpressed resentment in any part of a marriage often shows up in the sexual relationship. The best solution is to express feelings to each other as quickly as problems arise. Do not let problems build walls between you and your partner

SUCCESSFUL ADJUSTMENT  Men and women are not the same in what they find pleasurable. Since no one can read minds, if one wants to be understood, it is his/her responsibility to communicate with his/her partner. Compromise and negotiation are usually needed.  Sex is most rewarding when it is part of a caring, enduring relationship. Affection, respect, and trust are the most important parts of a good sexual relationship

Some reasons newly married couples may find it difficult to enjoy sex after marriage  The female is a virgin and finds intercourse to be uncomfortable for a short period of time.  The couple has different ideas on what romance is and the effect it has on  their intimate relationships.  The couple is uncomfortable talking about sexuality and assume that the other person is equipped with mind- reading abilities and knows what the other one likes or wants.

. The transition from abstinence to activity may be eased by:  1. Seeing physicians and have complete physicals before marriage.  2. Discussing intimacy with your parents, religious leaders, or a counselor.  3. Know your religious beliefs concerning intimacy.  4. Talk openly to your spouse about feelings and expectations.

IN-LAWS Other things may change us, but we start and end with our family.

Building IN-LAW Relationships 1. Develop a relationship with your in-laws a. Establish parent/child relationship with new parents. What will you call you in-laws? Will you knock on the door when you go to their home? b. Do not interpret interest as interference. c. If they give advice…. Remember, the decision is between you and your spouse, but mature enough to recognize when advice is good and follow it. If you decide not to follow it, decline with respect.

Building IN-LAW Relationships d. Look for positive characteristics. Everyone has good points. You will be much happier if you look for the positive instead of the negative, and expect to get along. Accept them for what they are. e. Treat your in-laws with respect and courtesy. Avoid causing resentment by saying to doing things that can never be taken back. These people will be a permanent part of your life. f. If conflict is unavoidable, keep visits short, thus allowing less time for problems to arise. g. Give them (and you) time to adjust.

Building IN-LAW Relationships 2. Grow into a new relationship with your own parents. (This will greatly help your spouse with his/her in-law adjustment.) a. Withdraw closeness (not love) from parents and siblings. Re-adjust your relationship; they are not your primary family now. This can be hard for parents, but wise parents will help you do this. b. Make your spouse your first priority (come home to him/her first, give news to first, etc.)

3. Build your relationship with your mate. a. Do not discuss your mates’ faults with friends and family. This builds resentment against your mate, and can even help to drive a wedge between you and your spouse. If you must complain to somone, talk it out with your wife/husband. b. Continually build your marriage, making it the number one priority in your life. c. Do not hold your own family up a model. “My mother’s cookies are a lot softer than yours.” “Opening Christmas presents on Christmas Eve is a dumb idea.” It is okay that your family has different habits and patterns from your spouse’s. It’s time to combine them for your own new family traditions.

Summary: Meeting each others needs means giving first and not waiting for your spouse to give to you. If both of you are trying to meet each other’s needs then there will never be a wanting of needs to be met.

 Adjustments in the Early Marriage Years by Thomas R. Lee, PhD Department of Family and Human Development Utah State University  Marriage – Many-Splendored, Sometimes Splintered, Things Dr. Daniel Wayne Matthews  Marriage – A many-Splendored, Sometimes Splintered, Thing Dr. Daniel Wayne Matthews  The Top Ten Myths of Marriage David Popenoe arriage.htm  Take Specific Steps To Nurture Love In Marriage Dr. Stephen Duncan Brigham Young University Take Specific Steps To Nurture Love In Marriage