Communication How can I get others to understand me?

Intrapersonal Skills Definition - Those skills used to communicate with oneself Examples: -Self-Control -Self-Discipline -Self-Talk -Accepting Responsibilities SELF

Interpersonal Skills Definition - Those skills used to communicate with others Examples: -Listening -Talking -Problem-Solving -Understanding Others

Reasons Why We Need These Skills They Help us to UNDERSTAND our own behavior They Help us COPE with circumstances of life They Help us CONTROL situations we find ourselves in

Communication Styles Transactional Analysis

Child-like Communication Easiest to recognize Most natural to use Immature Least effective when you are an adult Self-centered Many teens and adults revert to this style when they are frustrated or upset

Child-like Communication Giving orders Whining Name calling Yelling Verbal abuse Not listening Interrupting Topping Throwing tantrums Acting out of control

Parent-like Communication Has nothing to do with age or being a parent Directing other’s behaviors Effective in getting others to comply One-way or dictatorial Gets the point across Affects the behavior of others Commonly used with those using child-like communication

Parent-like Communication Giving Instructions Directing Punishing Demanding Ordering Talking down to “Mom, get me a cookie.” “Go get my book out of my locker.” “Lend me a dollar”

Adult-like Communication Highest level Most desirable Most Effective

Adult-like Communication Desire for open- two way communication Taking responsibility for comments and actions Remaining calm Showing respect for others’ feelings and opinions Wanting to resolve problems with a win-win attitude Having trust in others Controlling emotions while discussing

Which is the most effective style of communication? Adult

Communication Hammer Shank Is like Non-Verbal Communication It is strong and can be used to support construction or destruction

Communication Hammer Claw Is like Destructive Communication It is sharp and dangerous and is used to destroy and tear down relationships

Communication Hammer Head Is like Constructive Communication It is smooth and rounded and is used to build and help put things together

Communication Hammer Handle Is like Us, the driving force We are in control of our communication. We choose to use it in a constructive or destructive manner.

Destructive Communication Blaming Endless Fighting Character Assassination Calling in Reinforcements Withdrawal Need to be Right Playing the Martyr “You” Messages Threatening Sarcasm Interrupting Swearing Insulting Harassing Teasing Gossip Lies Sexual Harassment

Constructive Communication Timing Asking Questions Clarifying Reflective Listening Respect Consideration Listening Avoiding Intense Emotions Honesty/Openness Positive & Encouraging Keeping Confidences “I” Messages

Help to decrease tension and defensiveness Simple structure: –I feel __________ when _______________. –Use feeling words for the first blank –Use what is happening or causing the problem in the second blank –I feel angry when you ignore what I am saying.

Behavior Characteristics Passive Always Agrees Buys from Everyone Takes the blame Lets others walk over them Apologizes a lot Refers to Other’s Opinions

Behavior Characteristics Aggressive Tells others what to do Gets angry easily Forces their opinions on others Demands explanations Critical Interrupts Sarcastic Runs over people

Behavior Characteristics Assertive States Opinion Calmly Negotiates and makes compromises Smiles Takes credit when due Doesn’t have to win Can admit mistakes Cooperates with others Listens to others

Conflict Resolution Step 1 - Define the Problem -Begin with the Positive -Describe the specifics -Express your Feelings -Admit your part in the situation *Avoid changing the subject!

Conflict Resolution Step 2 - Summarize your feelings for clarification “So you feel angry because took your clothes without asking.”

Conflict Resolution Step 3 - Look for solutions There are many solutions to one problem. Look for consequences. Make compromises. Each person should be involved.

Conflict Resolution Step 4 - End with an expression of Love (kindness) for each other.

Conflict Resolution If a resolution has not been achieved within a short period (30 mins or less), put things on hold for a set period of time. Then readdress the problem later. Sessions that go too long have very little chance of a mutual resolution.

Verbal Drawing Exercise 1.Down 2 inches 2.Right 3 inches 3.Up 2 inches 4.Diagonal Up and Left 2 inches 5.Diagonal Down and Left 2 inches 6.Right 3 inches 7.Down 2 inches 8.Left 2 inches 9.Up 1 and 1/2 inches 10.Right 1 inch 11.Down 1 and 1/2 inches 12.Left 4 inches 13.Up 2 inches 14.Make a squiggly circle 2 inches around over the top of the line 15.Down 2 inches 16.Left 2 inches 17.Up 4 inches 18.Make a smooth circle 1 inch around at the top of the line 19.Draw triangles around the circle

How Much Do We Really Listen? This Line represents 1 Hour of what we hear 30 mins - we don’t hear what is said 15 mins - we don’t understand 7.5 mins - we don’t believe 3.5 mins - we forget 3.5 mins - We Remember!