Rules of Engagement: How to fight fair in marriage

In martial arts the goal is to eliminate the threat

1. Eliminate Threat 2. Win-Win 3. God-Win

Some introductory questions about marital conflict

The question is not whether or not a couple has conflict – for it is in the nature of man and wife to not always agree and to hash out differences. The question is whether the couple has developed healthy methods to resolve their conflicts or not.

To scold, disagree, or debate your spouse with upset or hurt emotions. Without intense emotions it is simply a discussion.

 One or both feel that are not receiving from their mate what is due them  There is a struggle for control or power  One’s feelings have been hurt or not acknowledged  Frustration  A feeling of disrespect (usually a husband)  A boundary infringement has occurred  There has been a misunderstanding or miscommunication  When one feels unsafe (usually a wife)  Some use it as a way to connect

 Money  Sex  Feeling unloved  Feeling disrespected  In-law and family issues  Raising children  Retirement

Seven Rules of Engagement When Fighting With Your Mate

 Remember: God and the angels are watching  Truth before agreement  To help you in this, ask the question, “Do I want a better richer marriage or the emotional pleasure of telling off my mate (commonly known as revenge)?”  Remember that you are not at liberty to say anything you want to your mate. It must be appropriate before the Lord.  You must make amends for inappropriate behavior  When God wins, you both win

 The issue is rarely the issue  When you feel attacked by your mate, say something like, “I must have somehow offended you or hurt your feelings. I am sorry for that, what is really going on, tell me so I can make it right?”  If you initiate the conflict, ask yourself, “Am I being immature or dishonest by making a big deal out of something small because it is easier than to deal directly with the real issue?”

 What is the real issue going on here? Often we don’t want to be called out on this so we will deny it.  Seek to understand each others feelings on a matter before you attempt a resolution  Don’t dismiss your mate’s emotions or things might get really ugly  Ask each other, “What would we say to another couple who came to us asking for help to resolve the same issue that we are wrestling with?  If you have offended your mate, ask “How should I have said that?”  Do not negotiate in bad faith.

 Learn how to be strong and kind at the same time. The Bible instructs us to speak the truth in love. Ephesians 4.15  There is a time to walk away and resume the discussion later when cooler minds can prevail.

 No lying – Proverbs 12.19,22  No using the words “always”, or “never”  No changing the subject  No sarcasm– Matthew  No bad language – Ephesians 4.29

 Quick to listen – James 1.19  Be slow to anger – James 1.19  Gentle answer can extinguish conflict – Proverbs 15.1  Repeat back what your think mate is saying  Agree with your mate when they make a valid point. Why should they ever agree with you if you never agree with them?

26 Be angry, and yet do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger, Ephesians 4  During the discussion time determine what line is crossed when anger becomes sin.

 Often a mate disguises the real issue by getting mad over something unrelated (see above).  Realize that you have the right and so does your spouse to have your needs known and meet.  All married couples must learn how to sit down in a safe environment and make one another’s need known.  Ask him or her, “What need must I meet for you in order to have my needs meet?”  A spouse may initiate an argument believing that this is the only way for change to take place, talking doesn’t work. Is this true?

 Ask yourself, “Am I being stubborn by refusing to admit my wrong or apologize?”  According to Matthew our relationship with God is hindered until we have made things right with our spouse if we have offended them

We all know that a penny does not weigh much and is easy to carry. But if every unresolved marital conflict was represented by a penny, how many would it take before a person could not carry it any longer?

 What a waste of time, life, and joy when we chose to brew over a marital conflict rather than deciding to forgive, admit our part, and move on. What a horrible example we can be to our children when we hold on to that which we should let go.  A fighter when knocked down must get up and get back in the game. We must also get back in the game of marriage.

26 Be angry, and yet do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger, Ephesians 4