What to Say and How to Say it Lory A. Fischler Leadership Development Services, LLC

 What is your biggest challenge…. ◦ Holding a difficult conversation, or ◦ Giving constructive feedback, or ◦ Responding to an aggressive comment

 Learn how to… ◦ Prepare for a difficult conversation ◦ Address your critical issue in a climate of respect ◦ Keep the conversation from becoming a confrontation ◦ Avoid getting your “buttons” pushed or pushing others’ buttons ◦ Apply 8 strategies that manage conflict ◦ Come to resolution and move forward

 It has become emotional.  It matters.  You are taking it personally.  You are talking to others, but not to the person who really matters.  It has persisted longer than it should.

KEN RICHARD

 It has become emotional.  It matters.  You are taking it personally.  You are talking to others, but not to the person who really matters.  It has persisted longer than it should.

1. Before your conversation ◦ Get yourself ready 2. During the conversation ◦ Use strategies to keep in conversation, avoid confrontation, and manage conflict 3. After the conversation ◦ Follow up to ensure accountability

 Start by asking yourself:  Why do I want to hold this conversation?  What do I really hope to achieve?

 Is this about me being right?  Am I trying to get them to say they were wrong?  Am I looking for an apology?

“Begin with the end in mind.” - Stephen Covey

1. Why do I want to hold this conversation? ◦ What do I really hope to achieve? 2. Is this about me being right?  Am I trying to get them to say they were wrong?  Am I looking for an apology? 3. Where do I want both of us to be at the end?

 What pushes your buttons? ◦ The other person? ◦ The issue? ◦ Your feeling about yourself?

Am I competent? Am I a good person? Am I worthy? Am I respected? THE VOICE IN OUR HEAD

 We are always the hero of our own story.  In our story…. ◦ they are the problem.  In their story… ◦ we are the problem.

 Ask yourself…. ◦ “In what way might I also have contributed to this problem?” Could I be part of the problem?

How might you have contributed to the problem you are addressing?

 What is the best timing to hold this conversation? ◦ For them? ◦ For you?  Your Turn: ◦ When might the timing be wrong?

Face to Face Can Be Hard! I’m not a people person… May I speak to your machine?

Start With Common Ground 1 State Your Purpose 2 Keep it Respectful 3 State Observations/Share Conclusions 4 Listen 5 Work Through the Conflict 6 Come to Agreement 7

 Talk about… ◦ the value or purpose you share together ◦ what you both stand to gain by having this conversation  Focus on what brings you together, not what is keeping you apart  Demonstrate your commonality: Start with “We” ◦ “We both care about….” ◦ “We both want….” ◦ “I am concerned about… and I know you are too…”

 Write a “Common Ground” statement you could use to initiate your conversation.  Reminder: ◦ Start with “We …”

 Tell them your purpose.  Avoid “easing in.” ◦ Get to the point. ◦ Don’t minimize it. ◦ Tell them why you are having this discussion.  Focus on the outcome. ◦ Tell them what you hope will be the end result. Here’s what I want to talk about…

 Both parties must feel respected and free to express their opinion without repercussions.  First: Don’t push their buttons ◦ Don’t accuse them ◦ Don’t attack them ◦ Don’t blame them ◦ Don’t defend yourself  Secondly: Don’t let them push your buttons.

Stay calm. Don’t react. Don’t keep silent.  Remind them of your common ground purpose. (“We both want …”)  Call attention to the tone, words, body language that push your buttons.  Tell them that their behavior is keeping both of you from getting where you agreed that you wanted to get to.  Offer to take a break.

 “We agreed that we both want to find a way to work more effectively together. But you are raising your voice. I can see you are getting agitated. Those behaviors are just going to make me shut down and we aren’t going to be able to figure out how to solve some of these issues. Do you need some time? Shall we take a short break?”

 What behaviors might you expect from the other party that will push your buttons?  What will you say when it happens?  Practice this: ◦ Remind them of your common ground purpose. ◦ Calmly call attention to the tone, words, body language they are using that bothers you. ◦ Tell them that their behavior is keeping both of you from getting where you agreed that you wanted to get to. ◦ Offer to take a break.

 Observations: ◦ Facts ◦ Non-debatable ◦ Hard to refute  Conclusions: ◦ Our interpretation of an experience ◦ They become our “truth” ◦ Our truth is really our “story”

OBSERVATIONS CONCLUSIONS  You come to work late.  You made a commitment that you didn’t keep.  When I was looking for support, you didn’t speak up. You don’t respect your co-workers. You are unreliable. I can’t count on you. VS

Not So Good: “You come in late on a regular basis. You clearly don’t care about your team.” Better: “When you come in late on a regular basis, it makes me think you are not really committed to our team.”

 Jot down your observations about your situation.  Then jot down your conclusions.  Which have you been operating on?

#1. We all come with a story. Ours is based partially on facts, but is also embedded with assumptions and conclusions. #2. We are always the “hero” of our own story. #3. We judge ourselves by our own good intention. #4. We judge others by their behavior.

Once you tell your story, listen to their story.

Do you…  Fake attention?  Multi-task during listening?  Become easily distracted?  Become emotional or argumentative?  Judge speaker’s message or delivery?  Tune out if dry or uninteresting?  Listen just for facts?  Interrupt to insert your point of view?  Listen mainly to find your own opening?  Run through a rebuttal in your head?

 A sk to get things rolling  M irror to confirm feelings*  P araphrase to acknowledge their story  P rime when you are getting nowhere

 Utilize 8 strategies that prevent, reduce and manage conflict.

 Avoid behaviors that escalate conflict. ◦ Not listening ◦ Defending ◦ Attacking ◦ Interrupting ◦ Denying ◦ Telling them what to do ◦ Telling them they are wrong ◦ Disagreeing

 On the table are both issues and feelings ◦ Feelings trump logic and reason. ◦ Address the issues only after you acknowledge and respond to feelings and emotions.  How to address feelings? ◦ Identify feelings as you observe or sense them. ◦ Give the other party a chance to express their emotions.

NegativesPositives “You’re wrong!” “I disagree with you!” “That’s not true!” “You’ve got to be kidding!” “I see it differently.” “I have a different take on that.” “Here’s another way to look at that.” “Let me offer another perspective.”

 Use a third party perspective. ◦ “It sounds like we both agree that…” ◦ “I hear us both saying that….”

 Ask questions rather than tell, demand, or insist. ◦ “Would it make sense for us to….” ◦ “How do you feel about the idea of….” Remember: Questions get answers; statements get resistance.

 Your position is where you disagree. ◦ Options give you choices ◦ Multiple options keep you at the table longer Example: ◦ “There are a couple of approaches we might take.” ◦ “One thing we might consider is…..” ◦ (Avoid expressions like: “my idea”, “I think”, “my way”)

 A  A gree when you can.  B  B uild on what you think needs to be added.  C  C ompare (rather than disagree on) the differences between your perspectives.

 Equals the playing field if you are in the power position.  Let’s them be in the driver’s seat if they need to raise their power level ◦ They can decide if, when, how  More likely to get them to act when you ask for help  Keeps you from telling them what to do  Taps into people’s natural desire to help

 Summarize your agreements.  Create an action plan for moving forward.  Talk optimistically about your mutual future.

Preparing Myself Opening with Common Ground Stating the Purpose and End Goal Sharing My “Story” Listening to Their Story Addressing Emotions Managing Conflict Coming to Agreement

 If you only get halfway there…. ◦ Summarize what you did agree to. ◦ Identify what is still outstanding. ◦ Create an action plan for addressing what remains to be settled. ◦ Set a timeline for revisiting issues.

 Acknowledge that you are stuck.  Talk about what you have agreed to.  Agree to return to the “stuck” area at another time.  Look “outside the box” for new options.

 Follow up to ensure accountability : ◦ Make contact shortly afterwards. ◦ Look for actions and behaviors that support your agreement.  Even if there are setbacks: ◦ Stay focused on the positive ◦ Remind them of their agreement ◦ Express optimism

1. Speak as a peer; don’t let your authority or power get in the way. 2. Use “I” statements; reserve “we” statements for creating common ground. 3. Make eye-contact at key times. 4. Stick to the topic; don’t add on other issues. 5. Continually check for mutual understanding.

6. Make sure you both agree on the problem before seeking solutions. 7. Balance talking and listening. Don’t interrupt. 8. Ask for their reaction to key statements. 9. Focus on alternative views rather than disagree. 10. Talk more about moving forward than looking back.

What questions still remain?

We cannot become what we need to be by remaining what we are.