Fathers and Mothers are Different and that’s a Good Thing Joseph Price

Outline for today Fathers and mothers are different and how these differences allow them to “help one another as equal partners.” The complementary roles of fathers and mother provide the ideal environment for children to flourish.

Background The materials today are based on work by Jenet Erickson, Glenn Stanton, and a paper I have written with Catherine Pakaluk.

Gender Conversation with Catherine Pakaluk about an essay she was writing for the Vatican meeting about the family. Will we have a gender in heaven? Did we have a gender before we came to earth?

Gender Gender is an essential characteristic of individual premortal, mortal, and eternal identity and purpose. There are 13 gendered phrases in the Proclamation: ◦ Man and woman; male and female; sons and daughters, husband and wife; mothers and fathers. We have a unique ability to speak about gender.

Current project I am working with people on a possible project. We want to ask young children one question: “How are moms and dads different?” What types of things do you think children will mention?

Glenn Stanton Video clip {1:40-3:40} At the World Congress on the Family Glenn Stanton shared an experience he had presenting at a university in the US. He said: “Men and women are different and they need each other in their differences”. He was booed and hissed for saying that. Why would he get that response for making that statement?

Dual perspectives We can speak on the issue of gender differences and gender complementarity from both a perspective of faith and a perspective of science. The real question is whether there is a universal difference between men and women or do gender differences just stem from cultural factors.

Gender roles in the home “By divine design, fathers are to preside over their families in love and righteousness and are responsible to provide the necessities of life and protection for their families. Mothers are primarily responsible for the nurture of their children. In these sacred responsibilities, fathers and mothers are obligated to help one another as equal partners.”

Next steps On the next few slides I will talk about some ways in which fathering differs from mothering and how they complement each other. ◦ Play ◦ Discipline ◦ Communicate ◦ Prepare for life ◦ Teach respect for women

Play Differently ?: Tickle and wrestle with their children. They rough-house. Stimulate large-motor skills Encourage competition ?: Comfort and cuddle their children. Settle their kids Stimulate small-motor skills Encourage equity

Play Differently Fathers: Tickle and wrestle with their children. They rough-house. Stimulate large-motor skills Encourage competition Mothers: Comfort and cuddle their children. Settle their kids Stimulate small-motor skills Encourage equity

Moses 5:10-11 Blessed be the name of God, for because of my transgression my eyes are opened, and in this life I shall have joy, and again in the flesh I shall see God. Were it not for our transgression we never should have had seed, and never should have known good and evil, and the joy of our redemption, and the eternal life which God giveth unto all the obedient

Play Differently Children need… ◦ the roughness of dad ◦ the gentleness of mom One encourages independence and confidence… ….The other encourages security.

The Power of Play “Rough-housing with dad” appears to “teach children how to deal with aggressive impulses and physical contact without losing control of their emotions” (HHS, 2006) Play with dad appears to teach social norms while building confidence in interactional capacities.

Fathers Push Limits Who is saying…? “Be careful…” “Not so fast…” “Not so high” Who says…? “Go for it!” “Go a little higher!” “Go faster!” Go to any playground, close your eyes, open your ears…

Benefit of Throwing Babies

Gender complementarity One without the other…  either encourages risk-taking without reservation or  never taking risks at all.

Women simplify their language for children. Men do not. Mom’s way facilitates immediate conversation. Dad’s way offers a vocabulary lesson. Communicate Differently

Father talk: challenges expansion of vocabulary and linguistic skills -- an important building block for academic success. tends to be briefer, to the point, using subtle body language.

Discipline Differently Fathers stress justice, fairness, and duty ( based on rules ), Mothers stress sympathy, grace, care and help (based on relationships)

Discipline Differently Fathers Enforce rules sternly and objectively Teaches consequences of right and wrong Mother’s way Enforce rules relative to situation with grace and sympathy Provides hopefulness

Discipline Differently Kyle and Marsha Pruett: “Fathers tend to be more willing than mothers to confront their children and enforce discipline, leaving their children with the impression that they in fact have more authority.” Mothers tend to draw on their emotional connection as the source of their “authority,” using more reasoning and flexibility in carrying out discipline.

Prepare for Life Differently What Motivates Most Mothers? Things from the outside world that could harm their child. What Motivates Most Fathers? How their child will or will not be prepared for something in the outside world.

Prepare for Life Differently Mothers help protect children from the harshness of the world. Fathers help prepare children for the hardness of the world.

Gender identity & sexual development Both “Same-sex-as-me” parent and “opposite-sex-from-me” parent become important in understanding self.

Fathers Provide a Look at World of Men Girls who are close to their fathers: Have a healthier relationship with boys in adolescence and men in adulthood. ◦ They learn from their fathers how proper men act. Have a healthy familiarity with the world of men. ◦ This knowledge builds emotional security, and safety from exploitation of predatory males.

Fathers and daughters “Girls raised in homes with their fathers are more likely to receive the attention, affection, and modeling that they need from their own fathers to rebuff teenage boys and young men who do not have their best interests at heart” (Wilcox, 2012).

Fathers and pheromones Biological fathers send of pheromones that retard the onset of puberty for their daughters. Pheromones emitted by unrelated males in the home evoke physiological changes in girls.

Fathers Provide a Look at World of Men Boys who are close to their fathers Have their masculinity affirmed and less likely to be violent. Channel their aggressiveness and sexuality in pro- social ways. ◦ Without the closeness and modeling of a father, boys appear to engage in “compensatory masculinity,” rejecting and denigrating anything feminine while seeking to prove masculinity through violent and aggressive domination. (Popenoe, 1996)

Fathers Teach Respect for Women The American Journal of Sociology reports, “Societies with father-present patterns of child socialization produce men who are less inclined to exclude women from public activities than their counterparts in father-absent societies.” Scott Coltrane, “Father-Child Relationships and the Status of Women: A Cross Cultural Study,” American Journal of Sociology, (1988) 93: , p

Mothers Teach Respect for Women For Boys… from mom’s expectations For Girls… from mom’s example

Fathers are not Mothers “We should disavow the notion that ‘mommies can make good daddies,’ just as we should disavow the popular notion of radical feminists that ‘daddies can make good mommies.’ …The two sexes are different to the core, and each is necessary – culturally and biologically – for the optimal development of a human being.” David Popenoe, Life Without Father: Compelling New Evidence That Fatherhood and Marriage are Indispensable of the Good of Children and Society, (The Free Press, 1996), p. 197.

Recap Mothers More empathetic, tender-minded, and nurturing With infants: more likely to display affectionate behavior, vocalize, smile, tend, discipline, and sooth. Stress emotional security and personal safety Spend more total time with children especially reading, talking, and helping in the home.

Recap Fathers Stress competition, challenge, initiative, risk taking, and independence “Rough and tumble” approach that helps children learn self-control and that certain types of physical violence are not acceptable Spend more time watching TV, playing sports, and doing outside housework.

Complementary roles These gender differences emerge in societies such as Sweden and Norway where they have made a concerted effort to erase gender differences in parental child care. Mothers and fathers play distinct and complementary roles in raising children. Popenoe: “children have dual needs that must be met: one for independence and the other for relatedness, one for challenge and the other for support.”

Empirical The next slides are going to present some results from a paper that I wrote with Catherine Pakaluk titled “Are Mothers and Fathers Interchangeable Caregivers?” The results draw on three datasets: ◦ Time spent with children ◦ Occupational choice ◦ Children’s exposure of violence

[1] Time spent with children What might we learn if we were to compare families where: ◦ (1) Dad works full-time, mom stays home with the children. ◦ (2) Mom works full-time, dad stays home with the children This comparison stems from an experience I had at a conference in Norway. ◦ They want to have an equal split of stay-at-home moms and stay-at-home dads. ◦ Would this be good for children?

ATUS data American Time Use Survey 137,000 respondents, Single day time diary: when, what, and with whom for each activity of the day. Parenting activities include anything related to physical care of children, spending time with children, and interacting with children.

What will happen to this graph when we flip the moms and dads?

The second shift

[2] Occupational choice Fathers are protectors and mothers are nurturers. Do these roles show up in the occupations that men and women chose?

ACS data The American Community Survey is a 1% sample each year of the entire US population. Includes a question about occupation and whether you are self employed. We focus on eight occupations that involve either a large amount of nurturing or that involve a protector role. What fraction of self-employed child care workers are male?

[3] Exposure to violence Fathers are protectors. Are children who have a father in the home less likely to experience domestic or neighborhood violence?

NSCH data National Survey of Children’s Health 95,677 children, Includes questions about whether they have experienced domestic violence or neighborhood violence.

Dads as Protectors Fathers play an important role in ensuring the safety of their children, both by monitoring their children’s activities and peers, and by signaling to others, from neighborhood bullies to adults seeking a target for abuse, that they will not tolerate harm to their children… By dint of their size, strength, or aggressive public presence, [fathers] appear to be more successful in keeping predators and bad peer influences away from their sons and daughters. (Wilcox, 2012)

Final points Mark Ogletree: “We have a world in which women are becoming more like men and men are becoming more like boys.” ◦ Gender is an essential characteristic of individual premortal, mortal, and eternal identity and purpose. Fathers and mothers are obligated to help one another as equal partners.