Dealing with Difficult People Maintaining your cool in heated situations

All services are free and confidential. EAP Want to know more? Contact us. Call us at 801-442-3509 or 1-800-832-7733 Email us at eap@imail.org Visit our website: www.intermountainhealthcare.org/eap All services are free and confidential.

What types of behaviors come to mind when you think about difficult people?

Human behaviors and Locus of Control Locus of Control refers to a person’s belief about their ability to control events in their lives. Internal Locus of control: I control my luck or fate External Locus of control: luck or fate, controls me

Internal Locus of Control

External Locus of Control

External Locus of Control Problem-Oriented focus It’s not fair I can’t I’ve already tried that It won’t work There is nothing I can do He/it/they won’t let me

Internal Locus of Control Solution-Oriented focus What are my options? What can I try next? Who can I ask for help? I can figure this out. I may not know the answer now but I’ll get there. What have I done before that may work here? Solution-Oriented thinking is about capitalizing on and building Self-Efficacy and Personal Accountability

Best Practices There is NO specific technique that works every time. The ONLY response that works every time is the response you used that resulted in success. Empathy speaks volumes.

Difficult interactions take time and effort These conversations WILL take longer. You WILL need to use more words. You WILL need to quiet your own frustration and remain outwardly calm. Beware of the Blurt Bug!

Relationship Relationship is the single most important therapeutic modality for ameliorating threats of violence and emotional crises. - Dr. Peter Breggin

Relationship Use the client’s name Suspend judgment Don’t argue with the client Use active listening Reflecting Clarifying Ask open-ended questions Common ground “We are a team” Agree with something the client says Empathize

Helpful Statements Can you tell me more? I want to make sure I understand. May I repeat back to you? I heard you. What would work for you right now? Instead of “No,” say “Let me check on that.” Is there anything else you would like me to know? I would like to be able to work through this with you.

Empathy Empathy is the healing balm of all emotional pain. - Carl Jung

Definition of Empathy Cognitive: The drive to identify another person’s thoughts and feelings. Affective: The drive to respond appropriately to another person’s thoughts and feelings. - Professor Simon Baron Cohen

Empathy tips Body language is the language of empathy. Words are important but often fall short. It doesn’t need to be gooey Empathy is a gift

Many difficult people have not been shown empathy in a long time.

Empathy Statements I can see this is important to you. That must be hard. I’m glad you told me. I care about how this affects you. You show great strength in managing this. I want to hear your point of view. I want to be there for you.

Boundaries, Empathy, Truth Set clear boundaries with the difficult person They react Empathy Express empathy for how hard it is to keep the new boundary They add irrational statement Truth Reiterate the truth; especially your care and concern

The grand daddy of all statements I DO want to help you, and……

Managing Defensiveness People get defensive when they feel threatened, attacked, or guilty. Defensiveness is a normal part of the process. The best defensiveness deflator is: I care enough about you, or our working relationship that I want to…..

Tools for Dealing With Defenses Reflecting Skills: I hear you saying that……. So, you’re feeling……. Invite More Information: Tell me more about that……… Organize Issues: It sounds like you have concerns too. Which topic should we cover first? Common Ground: I know we both want to find a solution and that’s why I want to talk openly about this. Distinction: I don’t want to attack you or make you feel attacked. That’s not what this is. I just want to solve this issue. Assessment: What do you hear me saying? What’s your understanding of the situation? Time Out: Let me gather my thoughts. Can you give me a minute please? (Silence). The name of the skill is not as important as the “sentence openers” in the right-hand column

Most difficult people will de-escalate if you simply listen HIGH DEFENSIVENESS LOW

Delivering bad news I know this may not be what you want to hear, however…. I’m really sorry that this solution does not support… Do you need some time to think about this? Why don’t you digest what I said and we can talk tomorrow.

Emergencies Do you need to be connected to 911? Do you need emergency personnel sent to you?

Managing Your Stress “What is to give light must endure burning.”–Viktor Frankl Viktor Emil Frankl, M.D., Ph.D. was an Austrian neurologist and psychiatrist as well as a Holocaust survivor. Frankl was the founder of logotherapy, which is a form of existential analysis, the "Third Viennese School of Psychotherapy". Author of Man’s Search For Meaning

Managing Your Stress Note: This is a continual process. It doesn’t stop until after the difficult person has left. Rapid back and forth between the conversation and your body responses. You need to continually assess and respond, assess and respond.

Managing Your Stress Acknowledge thought, emotion, sensations and “let go” Visualize Flushing Burning Putting it in a box Talk to a colleague (confidential)

CPR: Connect, Process, and Relax “Someone to tell it to is one of the fundamental needs of human beings.” - Miles Franklin

Sample set up Hey Pal, I may be at risk for compassion fatigue. I wonder if you would be willing to talk with me from time to time so I can process some thing. I will always make sure it is a good time for you. I will keep our visits to 20-30 minutes. I expect you to keep our talks strictly confidential. I am willing to do the same for you, when you need to talk. CPR: Connect, Process, and Relax Hey Pal, I just found out that I am at risk for compassion fatigue. I wonder if you would be willing to talk with me from time to time so I can process some of the things that I might need to talk about. I will always make sure it is a good time for you. I expect you to keep our talks strictly confidential. I will keep our visits to 20-30 minutes. I am willing to do the same for you, when you need to talk. “Someone to tell it to is one of the fundamental needs of human beings.” Miles Franklin

All services are free and confidential. EAP Want to know more? Contact us. Call us at 801-442-3509 or 1-800-832-7733 Email us at eap@imail.org Visit our website: www.intermountainhealthcare.org/eap All services are free and confidential.