Managing Conflict Initiating & Responding

Different sides of conflict Starting conflict Responding to conflict Practicing

Definition Interpersonal conflict: “a situation in which the needs or ideas of one person are perceived to be at odds with or in opposition to the needs or ideas of another” Verderber et al., 2007, p. 286

In what kinds of relationships do conflict occur?

What are possible outcomes of conflict? (bad/good)

Conflict skills Purpose of presentation Suggestions for ways to possibly diminish negative consequences of conflicts Possibly resolve the conflict These skills will not be applicable for all conflicts Initiating a conflict 6 steps Responding to conflict 5 steps

Initiating a conflict

1.Own the problem 2.Behavior-Consequences-Feelings 3.Avoid evaluating motives 4.Make sure problem is understood 5.Focus on common ground 6.Rehearse

1. Ownership of problem Recognize and state ownership of the apparent problem Use “I” statements Bad example: “Your music is too darn loud, turn it down! I’m trying to study!” Better example: “Hi, I’m having a problem that I need you help with. I’m trying to study for an exam.”

2. B-C-F Describe the basis of the potential conflict in terms of behavior, consequences, and feelings Bad example: You clearly don’t care about your neighbors. Better example: “When I hear your music [b], I get distracted and can’t concentrate on studying [c], and then I get frustrated and annoyed [f].”

2. B-C-F What’s the point? Who can give me an example of how you would use this when talking to a groupmate who isn’t pulling his weight on a group project?

3. Don’t evaluate Avoid evaluating the other person’s motives Be careful when using the B-C-F step E.g., don’t say “you’re really inconsiderate of others” Why? Will escalate the conflict Cause other person to be defensive Will decrease likelihood of solution

4. Make sure problem is understood Be sure the other person understands your problem Others may Become defensive Try to rationalize behavior Counterattack Bring focus back to current problem

4. Make sure problem is understood Neighbor “Oh come on, everyone plays loud music in this building, and there have been times when I have even heard your loud music” Good example “Yes, I understand that it’s a noisy building, and loud music doesn’t normally bother me. I’m sorry if I disturbed you in the past – I didn’t mean to. But I’m still having a problem right now and I was hoping that you could help me.”

5. Focus on Common ground Phrase the solution in a way that focuses on common ground Tie it to a shared value, common interest, or shared constraint This only works if it really is shared! Example? “I think we both have had times when even little things got in the way of our being able to study. So even though I realized I’m asking you for a special favor, I’m hoping you can help me out by turning down your music for a couple of hours.”

6. Rehearse Mentally rehearse what you are going to say before Be in control of your emotions Keep it short Arrive at a solution more quickly Doesn’t give person time to develop counterarguments, anger, etc.

Initiating a conflict 1.Own the problem 2.Behavior-Consequences-Feelings 3.Avoid evaluating motives 4.Make sure problem is understood 5.Focus on common ground 6.Rehearse

Responding to conflict

How Others Start Conflict Do people typically use the behavior-consequences-feelings strategy? What do they do? What type of reaction does this cause?

Purpose Examine ways in which to take ineffectively initiated conflicts and turn them into problem-solving discussions

Responding to conflict 1.Put your “shields” up 2.Respond empathically 3.Paraphrase & ask questions 4.Seek common ground 5.Ask initiator for alternative solutions

1. Put your “shields” up People sometimes become aggressive Causes emotional reaction Not helpful for problem solving Mental shields Listen Respond effectively Remind yourself it’s the other person’s problem Their frustration is not actually with you

2. Respond Empathically Other person watching to see how you react Undermine problem solving Even if you disagree, can still use respect Genuine interest and concern Listen to problem Let vent Can’t problem solve when emotional Boomerang effect?

3. Paraphrase & Ask Questions People don’t use B-C-F statements You may not realize What problem is Why it’s a problem Real issue

3. Paraphrase & Ask Questions Ask questions Angry co-worker: “What in the world were you thinking when you did the safety report this morning?” How do you respond? Example: “Can you tell me what’s wrong with the report? Is there a problem that I didn’t realize?” Why paraphrase issue with the B-C-F aspects? Other person can correct you Gives you time to think

4. Seek Common Ground Find some aspect of the complaint to agree with Can be the behavior, person’s feelings, situation Doesn’t have to be everything they are saying Creates a place to start Does NOT mean: Giving in to other person Faking agreement

5. Ask Initiator to suggest alternative solutions They’ve probably thought about solutions Suggests willingness to listen and cooperate May find a solution that is agreeable with you If not, you may come up with idea If all else fails, it at least makes interaction more civil

Responding to conflict 1.Put your “shields” up 2.Respond empathically 3.Paraphrase & ask questions 4.Seek common ground 5.Ask initiator for alternative solutions

Practice time! Get into groups of three Decide who is person A, B, and C Person A: You are the observer. Your job is to give feedback. You will know all instructions Person B: You are responding to conflict. Person C: You are initiating conflict. Scenario: Person B & C are roommates.

Person B close your eyes Person C: You love to cook for yourself, and sometimes make dinner for Person B, who works a lot. Person B is always leaving dirty dishes in the sink, or leaving a dirty kitchen. You hate this. You have made comments to Person B about this a couple of times, but Person B does not clean up the kitchen unless you specifically ask. You are frustrated and upset about the situation and decide to talk to Person B about it.

Person C close your eyes Person B: You are working two part time jobs while going to school. You don’t have much time for anything apart from work, sleep, eating, and homework. You don’t have much time or motivation to do chores. However, you are not at home that much and buy all of the common household items (e.g., toilet paper), so you feel that you contribute fairly to how often you are there.

Initiate Own the problem Behavior-Consequences- Feelings Avoid evaluating motives Make sure problem is understood Focus on common ground Rehearse Respond Put your “shields” up Respond empathically Paraphrase & ask questions Seek common ground Ask initiator for alternative solutions Person B just came home from work and ate a quick snack. Person C confronts Person B in the kitchen.

Switch it up! Switch the roles Person A: You are initiating conflict. Person B:You are the observer. Your job is to give feedback. You will know all instructions Person C:You are responding to conflict. Scenario: Person A & C are classmates working on a group project

Person C close your eyes Person A: Person C has not been doing enough work on the project. They did one part at the beginning, but then haven’t really done anything since. You’re getting annoyed that you have to do it all yourself.

Person A close your eyes Person C: You are working in a group with Person A, who is a little bit controlling about the project and how the work gets done. You did one part in the beginning, but you didn’t think Person A thought it was good. Therefore, you are content to just sit back and let Person A carry the group.

Take-away points Definition of conflict Know the 6 steps of initiating conflict Be able to identify a good/bad example of the steps Know the 5 steps of responding to conflict Be able to identify a good/bad example of the steps

Reference Verderber, K. S., Verderber, R. F., & Berryman-Fink, C. (2007). Inter-act: Interpersonal communication concepts, skills, and contexts. New York: Oxford.