Parenting Sexually Abused or Sexually Reactive Children Tara Spears, LMFT, LMHC, Certified Sex Therapist

Who is this training for? This training is for a parent, guardian or caregiver of a child who experienced sexual abuse and/or is sexually reactive. This training will not address the symptoms of sexual abuse, the initial disclosure or reporting the abuse to authorities. This training is solely to assist in recovering from the aftermath of abuse.

How should this be used? This training should be used in tandem with professional mental health services. This training is not meant to replace counseling, but act as another source of support and education. This material is also meant as an add-on to the existing Talk Sex with Me material and builds upon the principles discussed in these modules.

What will I learn? Parent PreparationSexually Abused ChildrenSexually Reactive Children A) Multigenerational AbuseA) Child’s Needs and Parental Tasks A) What, Why and How Explained B) Managing Your EmotionsB) Addressing the Behavior C) Responding to Your ChildC) Safe Home D) ResourcesD) Safe Community

Module I Parent Preparation Multigenerational Abuse Multigenerational abuse is a history of sexual abuse that occurred within multiple generations of the same family. For example, the mother’s grandfather sexually abused her and the mother’s boyfriend sexually abused her daughter. Multigenerational abuse is not uncommon and it can be harder to heal from because the caregiver is recovering from multiple traumatic events. So what should you do if this applies to you…….

Module I Parent Preparation Multigenerational Abuse 1.Recognize that you may re-experience your previous abuse as you assist your child in recovering from the abuse he or she experienced 2.Commit to securing counseling for yourself so that you have support for your needs 3.Ride the wave of powerful emotions you may experience as you and your child undergo this difficult road to recovery 4.Know your limits and triggers 5.Have a support system for you and your child

Module I Parent Preparation Managing Your Emotions It’s normal to experience a variety of emotions in the aftermath of abuse to include, but not limited to, guilt, anger, sadness, hopelessness, emptiness, and fear. Sometimes parents were the last to know about the abuse and experience a mixture of disbelief, fear and anger. Your experience of these emotions will likely be positively correlated with the strength of the relationship to the child. Meaning a parent may feel these emotions more intensely than a foster caregiver.

Module I Parent Preparation Managing Your Emotions No matter your relationship to the child, you can guarantee that your child will experience these emotions and many, many more. So what does this mean for you? Now, more than ever, it is essential that YOU, the caregiver or parent, have a plan in place to effectively manage your emotions. While that may seem like commonsense, it can be much easier said than done when your life has been turned upside down.

Module I Parent Preparation Managing Your Emotions Depending on the circumstance, you may find it very necessary and beneficial to seek counseling for yourself, as well as your child. In some instances, it may be appropriate to do individual counseling before joining your child in family counseling. If that is the recommendation of your therapist, DO NOT be alarmed. This is done to expedite your healing process so that you can be of support for your child. There is NO SHAME in asking for help.

Module I Parent Preparation Managing Your Emotions Your child’s healing will be deterred if you cannot manage your emotions so that you can then hold theirs. Recovering from sexual abuse requires a healing community, which will be discussed later in this training. YOU are the quarterback of the community for this child. Simply put, the child’s sense of safety in this world was taken from him or her and in order to restore that, loving, kind, safe, and compassionate adults need to walk along side the child in this journey.

Module I Parent Preparation Managing Your Emotions Find a copy of the Wellness Options and Survival Plan attached.Wellness Options and Survival Plan –Print the attached documents. –Select, at minimum, five strategies for your own use. –Fill in the Survival Plan with your selected options. Don’t wait until a crisis to decide what to do. Know your survival plan ahead of time and let others know what it is so that they can remind you if you forget.

Module I Parent Preparation Responding to Your Child Children who were sexually abused respond in any number of ways to include: –Reenacting the event through play (specific to younger children) –Displaying inappropriate sexual behavior (all ages) –Talking about the event frequently (all ages) –Refusing to talk about the event (all ages) –Experiencing nightmares (all ages) –Regressing in development (all ages) –Bedwetting (usually specific to younger children) –Lashing out in anger (all ages) –Appearing easily frightened or fearful (all ages) –Feeling depressed and not enjoying activities the child once did (all ages)

Module I Parent Preparation Responding to Your Child In general, your child will need: –Empathy, a sense that you understand and care about what is happening to him or her. –Hope, a belief that things will get better and that the pain will end. –Safety, reassurance that he or she is safe and you will do everything to keep it that way. –Support, a team of helpers who surround the child to reinforce safety. This can include, but is not limited to, teachers, therapists, social workers, doctors, mentors, friends, family, and neighbors. –Limits, structure and boundaries around their behavior that, if done properly, will also reinforce a feeling of safety.

Module I Parent Preparation Responding to Your Child Helpful Statements I’m sorry this happened. It’s not your fault. I will keep you safe. I believe you. You are not alone. You can trust me. This doesn’t change how I think of you. Not Helpful Statements It’s in the past and it’s time to move on. I know how you feel. We don’t need to talk about it. Why didn’t you tell me sooner? You’ve been acting like this for awhile.

Module I Parent Preparation Resources Attached is a Resource List to assist you in getting started in your journey. It is not possible to create a comprehensive resource list for every community. If you are in doubt of where to start, some suggestions for resources in your area are:Resource List –Pediatrician –Law enforcement –Churches –Your EAP or health insurance carrier –School guidance counselor