Co-Parenting Session 3 Shared Parenting

Objectives: What’s in it for me? What is Co- Parenting? Co-Parenting Models Co-Parenting and the courts Benefits of Co- parenting Single Parenting statistics Objectives: What’s in it for me?

What is the Definition of Co-Parenting? “Co-Parenting  describes a parenting situation where the parents are not in a marriage, cohabitation or romantic relationship with one another”.

The Principal of Co-Parenting A child has always and in any case the right to maintain a stable relationship with both parents, even if they are divorced or separated.

Celebrities and Co-Parenting Parents that put their children emotional needs first when making any parenting decisions.

Co-Parenting Models The Conflicted Model The Parallel Model The Cooperative Model

Conflicted Co-Parenting Model Conflicted co-parenting is when former spouses make nasty comments about each other. The Goal : To undermine each others relationship with the child, and fight openly in front of the child. Aside from being damaging, constant put-downs of the other parent. What Happens: produces resentment and a spirited defense of the criticized parent by the child. “When she goes into her usual routine about what a loser my dad is, I just hate her. I can't stand it. Last night I yelled at her to stop and threw my dinner plate on the floor and locked myself in my room. She tried to make up but started with, „But you know your dad's really irresponsible. ‟ I cried all night.”

Parallel Co-Parenting Model Parallel co-parenting is a mixed blessing. It is the most common form of co- parenting These parents simply ignore each other. They do not interfere with each others parenting or make any coordinated parenting strategies. They usually send communication through their children. The lack of parenting communication opens the door to problems and as children get older monitoring can be difficult. Children learn to manipulate or play one parent against the other. Children are used as messengers.

Cooperative Co-Parenting Model Cooperative co-parenting arrangements are where parents put the well-being of their children first. This can be difficult to attain. These are parents talk over the children's problems, coordinate household rules and child- rearing practices, and adapted their schedules to fit their children's needs.

Cooperative vs. Parallel Co-Parenting Cooperative Co-Parenting Parallel Co-Parenting Parents communicate freely and effectively Parenting plans are general, flexible & negotiable. No third party needed. Transfers are done smoothly. Child Focused Parents do not communicate. Parenting plans are ridged & specific. A third part is needed. Transfers are abrupt. Adult focused.

Co-Parenting and the Courts Co-Parenting is usually the last step in a divorce. The goal of co- parenting is to give a parent the skills that are needed to parent children as a single parent. Classes usually include: Divorce as a loss Single Parenting Dealing with Stress Effective Communication Blended Families and dating Parenting Plan

Benefits of Co-Parenting Feeling of Security: Love of both parents, Children adjust quickly and easily to divorce, and have better self-esteem, and are less likely to feel abandoned. Benefit of Consistency: Co-parenting fosters similar rules, in discipline and rewards between the households, so children know what us expected of them. Problem Solving Skills: Children learn from parents how to problem solve effectively and peacefully. Healthy Examples: Children see parents cooperating, which is setting a life pattern for children.

What are Single Parent Families? “ A single- parent family is a family with children under the age of 18 headed by a parent who is widowed, or divorced and not remarried, or by a parent who has never been married.”

Single Parent Statistics 1 out of every 2 children will live in a single-parent family at sometime before they reach the age of 18. (U.S. Census Bureau). In the mid-twentieth century most single families came about due to death of a spouse. In 1970’s and 1980’s due to divorce. 1996 31% of children lived in single family homes. In 2000’s more single-parents who had never been married, but had adult partners.(co-habitation)

Women and Divorce Statistics

Statistics Women initiate divorce twice as often as men. 90% of divorced mothers have custody of their children. 60% of people under poverty guidelines are divorced women and children. 65% of divorced mothers do not receive child support.(no court order, never been married parents.) 75% received court ordered child support. 50% of all children are children of divorce. 28% of all children are born of parents that have never been married.

Men and Divorce Statistics

Statistics Men tend to have a greater emotional adjustment problems than women. Men remarry/start a new relationship quicker than women. Men are more negative than women about divorce/separation, and tend to want to salvage the marriage.

Myths about Single Parenting The majority of children are raised in traditional two-parent families. False Since 1970 the number of children living in a single family has doubled. In 1992 single parents made up about 30 percent of U.S. households, only 25.5 percent were two parent households. Children from single-parent families have lower self-esteem. A study done by Nelson in 1993 found income level to be the deciding factor related to children’s self-esteem.

Myths about Single Parenting (Cont.) Single motherhood is just an alternative family form. Single mothers can compensate for an absent father will no ill effects on their children. False Research on fatherhood in the last decade has pointed to many contributions fathers can make in their children’s lives. Children not only need their fathers but they long for one.

Truths about Single Parenting Most single parent families are minorities. True A new York Times article reports that one-fifth of the nation’s 51.1 million Caucasian children, over-half of the 9.8 million African-American children, and almost one-third of the 7 million Hispanic children live with one parent due to divorce and unwed mothers. The overwhelming cause of crime is fatherlessness. Research study in Detroit shows that 70% of juvenile homicide did not live with both parents.

Truths about Single Parenting Many well-researched studies document positive outcomes in single- parent families. “Single parenting develops the parents independence and ability to handle a variety of situations” (Shaw, 1991.)

Benefits of Single Parenting Single parents are more consistent in their routines. Single parents are more independent Single parenting provides many challenges that are opportunity for growth and sharing. The single parent community offers support, and valuable resources for activities, sharing, and personal growth. Children have the opportunity to have wider experiences when they go between different homes both families.

What are the top10 Issues Single Parents Face? Aloneness Lack of Support Dating Dealing with Grief and Loss Financial Stress Household Management Time Management Stress and Anger Management Consistent Parenting Family Self-Esteem

Aloneness

Lack of Support No support

Dating

Dealing with Grief & Loss

Financial Stress

Household Management

Time Management

Stress & Anger Management

Consistent Parenting

Family Self-Esteem

What effects does separation have on children? What About the Kids ? What effects does separation have on children?

Common emotions for children after a divorce After reviewing this session, you will be able to: Identify the emotions that are common to children after a separation. Learn how separation effects boys and girls. Learn how separation affects children of different ages.

Emotions Children may not be able to express themselves. Blame themselves Feel Abandoned Feeling that the other parent is going to leave them Anger Adjustment Period

How Separation Effects Boys

Studies Show That Boys Tend To: Act out their anger, frustration and hurt. Fight more with peers & parents. Get into trouble at school.

How Separation Effects Girls

Studies Show That Girls Tend To: Internalize their distress. They may become depressed, develop headaches, or stomach aches. Changes in their eating and sleeping patterns.

Infants and Toddlers

Effects of Separation in Infants and Toddlers Steps to Take Become fussy and demanding. Reacts to parents intense emotions. Slow to gain weight. Regression (things already learned) Maintain your baby regular routine. Smile, cuddle, and play. Continue to meet your child’s everyday needs. Be consistent, work with your child daily.

Preschoolers

Effects of Separation in Preschool Children Steps To Take No concept of separation. Separation Anxiety. Night Terrors Explain that daddy and mommy do not live together. Tell them that you will pick them up on Saturday, circle calendar. (Give a picture in a wallet. Consistency/Routine.

School-Agers

Effects of Separation in School-agers Steps To Take Thinks the divorce is their fault. Thinks that if they are good parents will get back together. Misbehaves to get attention Fears abandonment and rejection. Let child know that it is not their fault. Love and reassurance. Be consistent, set limits, have consequences Maintain opportunities to talk, and spend one-one time.

Red Flags For School-Age Children Difficulty sleeping Getting into trouble at school. Failing Grades Becoming emotionally withdrawn. Cutting or self-harm. Alcohol, tobacco, or drug use. Violent outbursts. Acting out sexually. Suicidal Thoughts.

Teenagers

Effects of Separation in Teen-agers Steps to Take Concerns on how the divorce will affect his/her social relationships. Becomes critical of one or both parents. Resistant to change. Sudden outbursts. Feelings of abandonment Lots of communication, it is not you fault. Spend equal amount of time with both parents. Talk about the changes that have taken place. Allow your teenager to express their feelings. Talk about why they feel abandoned, and let them know both parents are there for them

Red Flags for Teen-Agers Not sleeping or eating. Getting into trouble at school. Failing grades. Becoming emotionally withdrawn. Self-harm Alcohol, tobacco, or drug use. Running away Suicidal thoughts. Acting out sexually.

5 Tips for Successful Co-Parenting Do not vent to your child.. Don’t use the kids as messengers. Never say negative things about your ex in front of the children. Listen and communicate effectively to your ex. Keep conversations kid-focused.

Its About The Children Kids and Families