Improving Lives by Increasing Emotional Intelligence Lena Kline, ma lpcc & Rebecca Goines, MA LPCC

DEFIANCE

Emotional Intelligence Research on children with defiance shows that they tend to lack something called emotional intelligence (EQ) Daniel Goleman popularized this concept which involves our ability to understand, use, regulate, and manage our emotions as key determinants of happiness and feelings of life success

What is this – EI?? EI (emotional intelligence) AKA (emotional quotient) AKA (social emotional learning) “ Ability to motivate oneself and persist in the face of frustrations: to control impulse and delay gratification: to regulate one’s moods and keep distress from swamping the ability to think: to empathize and to hope”-Goleman, 1995.

Emotional Intelligence a Predictor of: Ability to make suitable peer relationships Skills to function appropriately and in healthy ways within the home environment (re: relationships with family members) Development of a well balanced outlook on life Reach academic potential in school environment (and later in work performance)

5 Abilities of Emotional Intelligence Self awareness: knowing your emotions, recognizing feelings as they occur, discriminating between them Mood management: handling feelings so they’re relevant to the current situation and you react appropriately Self motivation (intrinsic motivation): “gathering up” your feelings and directing yourself toward a goal, despite self doubt, inertia, and impulsiveness Empathy: Recognizing feelings in others and tuning into their verbal and nonverbal cues Managing relationships: handling interpersonal interactions, conflict resolution, and negotiations

A child with low EI: Limits his or her ability to use two key coping skills: Calming down and solving problems Thus many things adults think a child “chooses” not to do (e.g. be more self aware, considerate of others, control impulses) may be things he/she are unable to do right now Understanding these limitations help us to work with children instead of clashing with them

Areas related to EI Rapport Empathy Assertiveness Motivation Patience Resilience Insightfulness Self awareness Confidence Cooperation

5 Basic Sets of Skills that need to be cultivated Self awareness Social awareness Self management Responsible decision making Relationship skills (Fredericks, Weissberg, Resnik, Patrikakou, & O’Brien; 2005).

Self Awareness 1.Self awareness: identifying one’s own thoughts, feelings, strengths and recognizing how they influence one’s choices/actions

Social Awareness 2. Social awareness: identifying/understanding the thoughts and feelings of others, respecting their rights, and appreciating diversity

Self Management 3. Self management: establishing and working toward short and long term goals, handling emotions so that they facilitate rather than interfere with the task at hand

Decision Making 4. Responsible decision making: generating, implementing, and evaluating positive and informed solutions to problems, and assuming responsibility for personal decisions and behaviors

Relationship Skills 5. Relationship skills: communication, listening, and negotiation skills to establish and maintain healthy and rewarding connections with individuals and groups

SIMPLE WAYS We will go over some simple ways to help a child become more emotionally intelligent

Coach client to realize a feeling happening in that moment “How does your body feel when you are….(e.g.stressed, angry, tired, frustrated etc) How do your muscles or stomach feel (e.g. tight/sore)? What do your hands feel like? How is your breathing? How is your heart beating? Teaching a child awareness of physical response to stress etc will help regulate tension when feelings occur

Help client identify a balancing response to the feeling Everyone reacts differently to triggers/stress so you would offer the opposing options to balance out a child…for example If a child is angry/agitated under stress they will respond best to stress relief that quiets him/her down If child is depressed/withdrawn then they will respond best to interventions that are stimulating If child tends to freeze—speed up in some ways while slowing down in others such as giving a pet affection and attention that provides both comfort and stimulation

DBT Interventions Really Help Dialectical Behavioral Therapy: Engaging one or more of the senses and interventions that provide engagement of one or more senses: sight, sound, smell, taste, touch Find what sense they respond most to: (E.g. visual: surround with uplifting images/positive affirmations, sound: wind chime/music, touch: tactile stimulation of a smooth stone or soft material)

Emotions…. Accept their emotions and emotional responses That must have been really frustrating Wow, you are showing me how angry you feel That’s great. I can tell how excited you are It can be tough when friends let you down like that You look pretty upset, something must have happened

Help them label emotions You look down, tell me what you are feeling? I’m guessing you are really___about that? You are ___! I can see you ___________. That hurt. Look at that smile! Tell me how you are feeling! I see you with your ________, you look ______. **Don’t worry about labeling wrong because sometimes clients will correct you and that is great because it shows they are able to tell you what they are feeling…and clarify…and know differences between feelings

Calming Interventions Give them tools to calm themselves….. What are your ideas???

Provide healthy alternatives to expressing feelings in negative ways What can you do instead of hitting? Can you think of a different way to let him know how angry you are? Could you tell your friend how you feel? What do you think you will do the next time you feel like that?

Problem Solving Would you write down a list of things that could help? So now choose which you would want to try first. What do you think would happen if you did that? How do you think they would respond to that? How did what you tried work for you?

Find their Motivation What can you say at the start of the day that would help you feel more positive? I’ve noticed when things get difficult you keep on trying.. You said you would do it.. It looks like __________is working for you. Keep up the good work! You are proud of yourself for ___________.

Positive Praise when clients exhibit self control You handled yourself really well. I like the way you stayed calm when he was raising his voice. That showed self control. I was impressed with how you used your words. You kept your hands to yourself!! Great job!! You just kept trying—that was impressive. It looks like you don’t ever give up on trying!

Modeling how to remain calm and in control of feelings Sometimes when I feel ________ I have to ________________. Even I feel __________sometimes and when I do I usually __________________.

The Relationship Interventions are tools to help our clients improve functioning but they also need a healthy therapist/client relationship to also help them establish a higher level of emotional intelligence!

Resources for Ideas Tips for parents sheet on the back table Pinterest: look up Emotional Intelligence for Kids for literally thousands of cool ideas For school counselors: https://www.edutopia.org/emotional-intelligence-school-counselors http://ei.yale.edu/what-we-do/teaching-emotional-intelligence/ http://www.eqtoolbox.org/

References/Resources  Fredericks, L., Weissberg, R.P., Resnik, H., Patrikakou, E., & O’Brien, M.U. (2005) Schools, families, and social and emotional learning: Ideas and tools for working with parents and families. Chicago and Philadelphia: Collaborative for Academic, Social, and Emotional Learning and Mid-Atlantic Regional Educational Laboratory for Student Success. Goleman, D. (1995). Emotional Intelligence: Why it can matter more than IQ. New York: Bantam Books. Goleman, D. (1997). The heart of parenting: Raising an emotionally intelligent child. New York: Simon & Schuster. Shapiro, L. W> (1997). How to raise a child with a high EQ: A parent’s guide to emotional intelligence. New York: Harper Collins.