CHAPTER FOUR: LOVE IN MARRIAGE #89-164 All that has been said so far would be insufficient to express the Gospel of marriage and the family, were we not also to speak of love. (AL 69)

of conjugal and family love. For we cannot encourage a path of fidelity and mutual self-giving without encouraging the growth, strengthening and deepening of conjugal and family love. Indeed, the grace of the sacrament of marriage is intended before all else “to perfect the couple’s love”. Here too we can say that, “even if I have faith so as to remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give all I have, and if I deliver my body to be burned, but have not love, I gain nothing” (1 Cor 13:2-3). The word “love”, however, is commonly used and often misused. (AL #89)

Three Ways of Loving “Today the term “love” has become one of the most frequently used and misused of words, a word to which we attach quite different meanings.” (DCE #2) In his first encyclical letter, Pope Benedict XVI explains the three types of love: Eros: attraction, desire, often called “romantic love” Philia: love of friendship, love of humanity Agape: the term used in the New Testament for Christian love – it does not negate, but incorporates the other two forms of love and gives them a deeper meaning. Agape has the characteristics of God’s love: gratuitous, unconditional, and faithful

“Saint Paul, describes some features of true love: “Love is patient, love is kind; love is not jealous or boastful; it is not arrogant or rude. Love does not insist on its own way, it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrong, but rejoices in the right. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things” (1 Cor 13:4-7). Love is experienced and nurtured in the daily life of couples and their children. It is helpful to think more deeply about the meaning of this text and its relevance in the concrete situation of every family. (AL #90)

Reflection on St. Paul’s Description of Agape (Christian Love) (AL # 91-119) We’ll take some time now for personal reflection and group sharing on this description and its implication for our daily family life. In looking at the qualities of love as Paul describes them: What changes may I need to make in my way of dealing with some situations or some family members? What practical steps can I take to make these changes a reality in my life? What can help and support me in my efforts to grow in love? Reflection sheets for this section of the document

Growing in Conjugal Love (#120-141) The love between husband and wife is sanctified, enriched, and illuminated by the Sacrament of Marriage. (AL #120) Marriage is a precious sign, for when a man and woman celebrate marriage, God is, as it were, mirrored in them; he impresses in them his own features and the indelible character of his love. Marriage is the “icon” of God’s love for us. (AL #121)

Since we are dealing with a human reality, there is no need to lay upon two limited persons the tremendous burden of having to reproduce God’s love perfectly. Marriage, as a sign, entails a dynamic process, one which advances gradually with the progressive integration of the gifts of God. (AL #122) After the love that unites us to God, married love is the greatest form of friendship. Marriage joins to this an indissoluble exclusivity expressed in the stable commitment to share and shape together the whole of their lives. (AL #23)

A love that is weak or infirm, incapable of accepting marriage as a challenge to be taken up and fought for, reborn, renewed and reinvented until death, cannot sustain such a great commitment… Only with grace is such a long-lasting love possible. Marriage is not intended only to produce children, but also to support the mutual love of the couple. (AL #124-125) As Vatican II expressed it: “Such a love, bringing together the human and the divine, leads the partners to a free and mutual self-giving, experienced in tenderness and action, and permeating their entire lives”. (GS, 50)

Joy and Beauty (# 126-130) In marriage the joy of love needs to be cultivated. Marital joy can be experienced even amid sorrow. It involves that marriage is an inevitable mixture of enjoyment, struggles, tensions, pain, satisfaction, pleasures, annoyances and longings. Joy comes in the midst of all that marriage offers. (AL #126)

their innate beauty and sacredness, which is greater than my needs. Loving another person involves the joy of contemplating and appreciating their innate beauty and sacredness, which is greater than my needs. Love opens our eyes to enable us to see, beyond all else, the great worth of a human being. Few human joys are as deep and thrilling as those experienced by two people who love one another and have achieved something as the result of a great shared effort. AL #128-130

Marrying for Love (AL #131-132) I would like to say to young people that their union finds, in marriage, the means to ensure that their love truly will grow and endure. As an institution, marriage protects and shapes a shared commitment to deeper growth in love and faithfulness to one another, for the good of society as a whole. Given its seriousness, this public commitment of love cannot be the fruit of a hasty decision, nor can it be postponed indefinitely. When love is expressed before others in the marriage commitment, it clearly indicates and protects the “yes” that the couple says freely and unreservedly to one another.

Other Important Points Made in Chapter Four (AL # 136-164) Dialogue is essential for experiencing, expressing and fostering love in marriage and family life. We need to develop certain attitudes that express love and encourage authentic dialogue. (#136-141) (cf. handout on # 91-119) Passionate Love & the World of Emotions (#142-152) Vatican Council II teaches that conjugal love “embraces the good of the whole person; it enriches the sentiments of the spirit and their physical expression with a unique dignity and ennoble them as the special features and manifestation of the love proper to marriage.

Violence and Manipulation occur when sex becomes depersonalized and unhealthy; when it is poisoned by the mentality of “use and discard”. The unity established by marriage is characterized by a reciprocal gift of self in mutual, loving respect for each other. (#153-157) Marriage and Virginity are, and must be, different ways of loving. There is no basis for playing one off against the other – the different states of life complement one another and are all means to holiness of life in the fullness of love. (#158-162)

The Transformation of Love (#163-164) Longer life spans now mean that close and exclusive relationships must last for four, five, or even six decades. Although the body ages, it still expresses that personal identity that first won their hearts. A spouse continues to see the other with eyes of love and so his or her affection does not diminish, but finds new forms of expression which preserve and strengthen the bond.