Non Violent Communication Engaging in empowering dialogue in relationships Cf. Marshall Rosenberg, Non-violent Communication

Humans can Connect themselves to their compassionate nature and relate with others with care and concern. Disconnected from our compassionate core, one may tend use violent communications that disrupt relationships.

Learning to communicate from the heart

Crucial role of language in communication Language and communication skills play a great role in communicating from our heart Our mode of expressing ourselves and hearing others can be empowering or self-defeating NVC focusses on clarifying what is being observed, felt and needed, rather than on diagnosing nor judging.

Jackal vs Giraffe consciousness connecting & understanding Focus on feelings & needs Equality and mutuality Integral, holistic outlook Compassion, joy See others as wholesome human Defensive: accusing or justifying Dualistic. Either/or; good/bad; right/wrong Guilt, shame, anger External Jackal See others as enemy or

Four components of NVC model Observed data Feelings Needs Request

Short cut to communication deviance Do you want to mess up? Short cut to communication deviance Moralist judgements: Blame, insults, put-downs, labels, criticism, and diagnoses Making comparisons: show how others are better or worse than you Denial of responsibility: make others feel guilty and responsible for your misery Demand: Dictate others what they should feel, think and do

Observing without evaluation The concrete actions we are observing that are affecting our well-being If you combine observation with evaluation, people tend to hear criticism Hence separate observation from evaluation

Identify and express Feelings How we feel in relation to what we are observing Become aware, accept and express properly our feelings Take responsibility for your feelings What others do may be the stimulus of our feelings, but not the cause.

Four options for receiving negative messages “You’re the most self-centered person I’ve ever met”. 1. Blaming Ourselves: “ I should have been more considerate” 2. Blaming others: “Your behaviour is the cause of it” 4. Sensing the needs and feelings of others: “Are you feeling hurt because you need more consideration for your preferences?” 3. Sensing our own needs and feelings “I feel annoyed when I hear your comment because I would need my commitment to others be respected”

Needs At The Root of Feelings The needs, values, desires, etc. that are creating our feelings Judgments of others are alienated expressions of our own unmet needs. If we express our needs, we have a better chance of getting them met. The Pain Of Expressing Our Needs Versus The Pain Of Not Expressing Our Needs If we don’t value our needs, others may not either.

From Emotional Slavery To Emotional Liberation First stage: Emotional slavery: we see ourselves responsible for others’ feelings. Second stage: “Obnoxious”: we feel angry; we no longer want to be responsible for others’ feelings. Third stage: Emotional liberation: we take responsibility for our intentions and actions

Making Clear Requests The concrete actions we request in order to enrich our lives Using Positive Action Language Making requests in clear, positive, concrete action language reveals what we really want. Vague language contributes to internal confusion The clearer we are about what we want back, the more likely it is that we’ll get it.

Receiving Empathetically Presence: Don’t Just Do Something, Stand There Empathy: emptying the mind and listening with our whole being Believing we have to “fix” situations and make others feel better prevents us from being present Listening For Feelings and Needs No matter what others say, we only hear what they are (a) observing, (b) feeling, (c) needing, and (d) requesting.

We need empathy to give empathy Self-judgments, like all judgments, are tragic expressions of unmet needs We are compassionate with ourselves when we are able to embrace all parts of ourselves and recognize the needs and values expressed by each part. The most dangerous of all behaviors may consist of doing things “because we’re supposed to”

Dealing with your anger

When we judge others, we contribute to violence. Remember When we judge others, we contribute to violence. Use anger as a wake-up call. Anger co-opts our energy by diverting it toward punitive actions. When we become aware of our needs, anger gives way to life-serving feelings. Violence comes from the belief that other people cause our pain and therefore deserve punishment. Judgments of others contribute to self fulfilling prophecies.

Four Steps to Expressing Anger 1. Stop. Breathe. 2. Identify our judgmental thoughts. 3. Connect with our needs. 4. Express our feelings and unmet needs

Remember.. The more we hear others, the more they’ll hear us. Stay conscious of the violent thoughts that arise in our minds without judging them. When we hear the other person’s feelings and needs, we recognize our common humanity. Our need is for the other person to truly hear our pain. People do not hear our pain when they believe they are at fault Practice translating each judgment into an unmet need. Take your time.

Accidents too can happen in communication Beware! Accidents too can happen in communication

Powerpoint Prepared by Mathew cmf Communicate from your center Powerpoint Prepared by Mathew cmf