http://www.noneinthree.org Myths

Men become abusers because they have grown up in violent homes Session 1. Exploring values, perceptions and positions on domestic violence Consider the following myths (adapted from www.refuge.org.uk) and indicate whether you agree, disagree or not sure Explain your responses As a group rephrase the statement to turn it into a fact Men become abusers because they have grown up in violent homes Some women like violence Some women deserve to be hit Abusive men must be mentally ill People are only violent to their partners because they are under stress Domestic violence happens because people are out of control, they simply lose their temper Domestic violence is a private family matter, outsiders shouldn’t get involved Violence by women is less serious than violence by men

Men become abusers because they have grown up in violent homes- Not True Many abusers will have experienced or witnessed violence as children, and growing up in a violent home may be a risk factor for some people. However many people who have experienced violence as children are repelled by violence because they know the destruction it causes and they would never hit their partner. These people may have been socialised to believe that violence is normal too, however they choose non-violent ways of resolving their problems. Men learn to be violent from the environment they grow up in, but equally, they have the power to change their personal environments and relationships to ensure that there is no place for violence. Inequality between the sexes means that men have more power than women – inevitably some of them abuse or exploit that power. People who blame violence on their childhood experiences are avoiding taking responsibility for their actions. Violence is a choice an abuser makes. 

Some women like violence – Not True Most victims of domestic violence live in fear and have to be constantly on guard to ensure they are not seen as ‘provoking’ the violence. This is a way of blaming the victim for what is happening.

Some women deserve to be hit – Not True Women are often beaten for no apparent reason or for very trivial matters. Even if a person has behaved badly however, they do not deserve to be beaten. Domestic violence is never justified, no matter what and violence and intimidation are not acceptable ways to resolve problems in a relationship. Arguments such as this make excuses for the abuser and allow people who are violent to avoid responsibility for their behaviour

Abusive men must be mentally ill – Not True Some people who are violent in relationships may have a mental illness however, the proportion of abusers who have a mental illness is likely to be no higher than in the general population. Mental illness may involve symptoms that can trigger violent responses but the majority of men who abuse women are not mentally ill.

People are only violent to their partners because they are under stress – Not True Some men who abuse their partners do suffer from stress but this is a trigger factor, not the cause of abuse. Most people manage stress in their lives without resorting to violence against their partner. Also many men who do abuse their partner cannot claim to be under stress. Furthermore, women experience stress too, yet they do not commit violence to the same extent as men. 

Domestic violence happens because people are out of control, they simply lose their temper – Not True While some people who are violent do describe themselves as being ‘out of control’ there are patterns of behaviour which indicate the opposite – an abusive man is very much in control. For example, abusers are usually selective about when they hit their partner, e.g. in private or when the children are asleep. They choose not to mark her face or other parts of the body which show. They never “lost their temper” with other people. This suggests they are very aware of what they are doing. Some men (and women) abuse their partners emotionally and psychologically, without ever using physical violence. This shows the extent of self-control.

Domestic violence is a private family matter, outsiders shouldn’t get involved. Not True Although domestic violence happens in the home or within the privacy of an intimate relationship, this does not mean that it is a private matter. Domestic violence is a crime, it is against the law and we are all affected by it. We all have a responsibility to speak out against domestic violence and to take action against it if we are concerned someone is at risk of harm – your intervention may be the only chance a victim has of getting help.

Violence by women is less serious than violence by men – Not True Le Franc et al. (2008) in a study of 3,400 men and women 18-30 found no significant differences overall in the numbers of men and women who were victims or perpetrators of violence. A notable finding was that significantly more women than men reported being perpetrators of physical violence within relationships (in Barbados, 54% of women and 49% of men). Such surveys however fail to account for gendered socialisation processes and differential lived experiences which can lead to males perceiving aggression as normative and females being more likely to attribute meanings of violence, even concerning their own actions (Baxendale, Cross & Johnston, 2012). Women more likely than men to be maimed or killed because of violence and far more likely to be subjected to sexual violence Women were identified in the Ni3 research as having a role in the perpetuation of violence in families. This is not only because they may be abusive to their male partners but as primary caregivers, they are often the ones inflicting physical punishment (and physical abuse) to children and in this way pass down messages about the acceptability of violence. Though violence by women may take different forms, it must be considered as a serious issue.