Language Network Revising Sentences

Padded and Empty Sentences Revising Sentences Padded and Empty Sentences Refining Padded Sentences Improving Empty Sentences Practice and Apply

Refining Padded Sentences A padded sentence has more words than are needed to communicate an idea.

Refining Padded Sentences Sometimes padded sentences have long phrases that can be replaced with shorter ones. At other times, padded sentences bore your reader by needlessly repeating an idea.

Refining Padded Sentences STUDENT MODEL PADDED SENTENCES DRAFT I was upset because of the fact that my friend wouldn’t ride the roller coasters with me. The reason is he is of the opinion that roller coasters look like they could be full of danger. Repeats an idea Long phrase

Refining Padded Sentences STUDENT MODEL PADDED SENTENCES DRAFT I was upset because of the fact that my friend wouldn’t ride the roller coasters with me. The reason is he is of the opinion that roller coasters look like they could be full of danger. REVISION I was upset because my friend wouldn’t ride the roller coasters with me. He thinks they look dangerous.

Refining Padded Sentences Here’s How Refining Padded Sentences • Think about what you really want to say. • Look for words and phrases that could be deleted and never missed. • Look for places where one or two words could replace many words.

Improving Empty Sentences Some sentences say nothing or repeat an idea that has already been stated. I like bike riding because it is fun and enjoyable. IDEA IS REPEATED

Improving Empty Sentences Other sentences make statements that are not supported by facts. They are my favorite bikes because they are the best ones. NOT A FACT

Improving Empty Sentences Here’s How Filling Empty Sentences • Eliminate words and phrases that needlessly repeat an idea. • Don’t leave your reader asking, “Why?” Add reasons, examples, and facts to support your opinions.

Add a reason or fact to the following sentence. Practice and Apply Add a reason or fact to the following sentence. Train travel is better than car travel. 1.

Eliminate unnecessary words from the following sentences. Practice and Apply Eliminate unnecessary words from the following sentences. The dining car, where most of the passengers eat, offers many different meals and a variety of food. 2.

Stringy and Overloaded Sentences Revising Sentences Stringy and Overloaded Sentences Fixing Stringy Sentences Fixing Overloaded Sentences Practice and Apply

Fixing Stringy Sentences Both stringy and overloaded sentences confuse the reader by forcing too many ideas into one sentence. Often, the reader can’t tell how the ideas in the sentence are related.

Fixing Stringy Sentences A stringy sentence contains too many ideas loosely connected by the word and. Stringy sentences seem to go on and on.

Fixing Stringy Sentences To fix stringy sentences, make each complete thought a separate sentence. Write the sentences in a logical order.

Fixing Stringy Sentences You can use conjunctions such as first, then, when, next, after that, and because to show the relationship between ideas.

Fixing Stringy Sentences STUDENT MODEL STRINGY SENTENCE DRAFT My class visited Washington, D.C., and we went to the National Air and Space Museum, and we saw the Wright 1903 Flyer, which was the first successful airplane, and we saw Viking 1, the first spacecraft to operate on the surface of Mars. . .

Fixing Stringy Sentences STUDENT MODEL STRINGY SENTENCES DRAFT My class visited Washington, D.C., and we went to the National Air and Space Museum, and we saw the Wright 1903 Flyer, which was the first successful airplane, and we saw Viking 1, the first spacecraft to operate on the surface of Mars. . . REVISION When my class visited Washington, D.C., we went to the National Air and Space Museum. First, we saw the Wright 1903 Flyer, which was the first successful airplane. After that, we saw Viking 1, the first spacecraft to operate on the surface of Mars. . .

Fixing Overloaded Sentences An overloaded sentence contains too much information about a single topic. You may know what you need to say, but your reader won’t understand you.

Fixing Overloaded Sentences STUDENT MODEL OVERLOADED SENTENCE DRAFT Even though most people think that pterodactyls, flying reptiles that lived more than 65 million years ago in Europe and East Africa, were huge animals, not all of them were, and some of them were about the same size as a sparrow. Too many details

Fixing Overloaded Sentences STUDENT MODEL DRAFT Even though most people think that pterodactyls, flying reptiles that lived more than 65 million years ago in Europe and East Africa, were huge animals, not all of them were, and some of them were about the same size as a sparrow. REVISION Pterodactyls were flying reptiles that lived more than 65 million years ago in Europe and East Africa. Most people think that pterodactyls were huge animals, but not all of them were. Some pterodactyls were about the same size as a sparrow.

Fixing Overloaded Sentences Here’s How Revising Stringy and Overloaded Sentences • Break down your sentences into separate ideas. • Combine related ideas, using conjunctions such as and, but, or, so, then, and when. • Rewrite your sentences as two or more sentences, making sure that you have not packed too many ideas into any one sentence.

Rewrite this stringy sentence. Practice and Apply Rewrite this stringy sentence. My grandmother’s dog is very helpful and he will carry the newspaper from her to my grandfather if she tells him to but sometimes he wants to play instead. 3.

Varying Sentence Structure Revising Sentences Varying Sentence Structure Rearranging Phrases Varying Sentence Types Practice and Apply

Try rearranging the phrases in your sentence for more impact. Rearranging Phrases Try rearranging the phrases in your sentence for more impact. Words that give the most important information often have the greatest effect at the start or end of a sentence.

Minerva opened her front door, and fifteen Rearranging Phrases Minerva opened her front door, and fifteen of her friends spilled out, wishing her a happy birthday.

Fifteen of Minerva’s friends spilled out her Rearranging Phrases Fifteen of Minerva’s friends spilled out her front door as she opened it, wishing her a happy birthday.

Wishing her a happy birthday, fifteen of Rearranging Phrases Wishing her a happy birthday, fifteen of of Minerva’s friends spilled out her front door as she opened it.

Rearranging Phrases There are no precise rules about the “most important” words in a sentence. You can put interesting details up front to grab your reader’s attention or at the end to go out with a bang.

Varying Sentence Type You can make your writing livelier by including questions, exclamations, and commands.

Varying Sentence Type PROFESSIONAL MODEL VARYING SENTENCE TYPES What can kids do about pollution in their neighborhoods? Students at Bellamy Middle School in Chicopee, Massachusetts, found out. Chicopee had a problem storing sludge from factories and sewers. In winter the sludge froze before it could be taken to landfills. Some Bellamy students toured the sludge plant to see the problem for themselves—and smell it, too! The town used the students’ idea of building a greenhouse. . . . Look around your community for environmental problems you can help solve. Question Exclamation Command

Varying Sentence Type Don’t overuse exclamations. Too many can make your writing seem breathless or overexcited.

Rewrite the following sentence two ways by rearranging its phrases. Practice and Apply Rewrite the following sentence two ways by rearranging its phrases. The librarian heard a snicker in the middle aisle near the books by Mark Twain. 4.

Practice and Apply Add some variety to the letter below. Rewrite at least three sentences as questions, exclamations, or commands. You may be interested in time travel or in life on other planets. If you read science fiction, you can explore these ideas. Science fiction writers often combine scientific information and imaginary characters to create a story. If science fiction appeals to you, it’s a good idea to try a story by Isaac Asimov, Anne McCaffrey, or another science fiction writer. 5.