How to Raise your Parents When you have OCD (to help or get out of the way) Allen H. Weg, Ed.D. Stress & Anxiety Services of New Jersey, Inc. Springfield, NJ East Brunswick, NJ www.StressAndAnxiety.com

Raise your hand if this statement is true for you...

What about your parents?

What are your goals? How do you want your parents to change?

Some goals we’ve heard before from teens who have OCD: My parents will understand me better My parents will be more patient with me My parents will believe me more My parents will stop micro-managing me so much My parents will stop yelling at me/punishing me for OCD My parents will treat me with more respect My parents will back off and leave me alone!

How do you get the changes you want in your parents?

You can change your parents’ behavior by changing your behavior You can change your parents’ behavior by changing your behavior. If you want your parents to treat you more like an adult, you can’t act like a like a little kid- you have to act more like an adult yourself. You can learn to better understand them even when they don’t understand you.

You need to “parent” your own parents!

How? A simple 4 step approach: E V C R

1. E Empathize- “To empathize is to understand and share the feelings of another”

When your parents do the things that you have complained about, what are they feeling?

Parents of children with OCD might be experiencing some of the following feelings: Anger Frustration Anxiety/Worry Hopelessness Embarrassment Guilt

What might be an example of an empathizing statement someone with OCD might say to a parent?

Examples of Empathizing Statements: I’m guessing you’re feeling pretty frustrated right now because you have explained why I don’t need to be washing so much but I do it anyway. I’m sorry that I make you angry keeping you up so late at night with all my questions. I know that when you see me not being able to go to friends’ houses or out to restaurants with you, that you worry about me, and get anxious about where this is all heading.

2. V Validate- “I get you” “Validation is the recognition and acceptance of another person's thoughts, feelings, sensations, and behaviors as understandable.”

What might be an example of a validating statement someone with OCD might say to a parent? (defend your parents’ actions)

Examples of Validating Statements: It’s generally hard to be a parent, and I am sure my OCD makes it even more challenging for you, as it would for any parent. I know that you love me and care about me, and all you are doing and saying comes from that. I know that you are suffering with this as much as I am. You are a victim of my OCD as much as I am.

3. C Challenge the current strategy “Do you think what you have been doing has been helping me?” “When you do the things that you have been doing to stop my OCD behaviors, we just get angry with each other.” “Is this getting you want you want?” This sets them up to be more open to changing to new strategies…

4. R Redirect “To Redirect is to change the course of direction.”

Examples of Redirecting Statements: “I need to work on my OCD with your support, but not with your control.” * “I need to be in control of my own recovery.” * “We need to work on you pulling out of your involvement with my rituals, and I need to work on challenging my OCD directly, and on my own.” * *…and it would probably be very helpful to get a good mental health professional to guide us in this process”

Examples of Redirecting Statements continued… “Tell me that you know that I am doing the best I can.” “Tell me that you are sorry that I am struggling so with this problem.” “Tell me that you believe in me, that I can fight this thing and win.” “Ask me how you can be of help, and what I need from you (but this does not mean accommodation).”

What NOT to do: DON’T: Scream/Yell Verbally attack your parents Threaten Use curse words Behave violently Shut down and withdraw Over apologize Defend yourself (instead, empathize/validate)

A simple 4 step approach: Empathize Validate Challenge Redirect

Questions/Comments

How to Raise your Parents When you have OCD (to help or get out of the way) Allen H. Weg, Ed.D. Stress & Anxiety Services of New Jersey, Inc. Springfield, NJ East Brunswick, NJ www.StressAndAnxiety.com