simple tools for your workbox Karen Holford - AFT

Sue Fyvel FT - Bright Light, Edinburgh Everything we do in a relationship either strengthens it or weakens it. Sue Fyvel FT - Bright Light, Edinburgh

LOVE/Connection Comfort/consolation Acceptance Affection Appreciation Attention Respect Encouragement Security/safety Support Specialness

LOVE/CONNECTION Comfort/consolation Acceptance Affection Appreciation Attention Respect Encouragement Security/safety Support Specialness ALONENESS Ridicule Rejection Harm Criticism Being ignored Being put down Discouragement Fear Neglect Shame

Being sad with the other person when they are sad. Comforting each other Being sad with the other person when they are sad.

Warmly welcoming someone who has messed up Acceptance Warmly welcoming someone who has messed up

Loving words, touch and kind actions Affection Loving words, touch and kind actions

Gratitude and thanks for what other people do Appreciation Gratitude and thanks for what other people do

Focussing on the other person’s needs, wishes, Attention Focussing on the other person’s needs, wishes, stories, etc.

Treating the other person as important and valuable Respect Treating the other person as important and valuable

Encouraging someone towards their own goals Encouragement Encouraging someone towards their own goals

Helping the other person feel safe and not afraid Security Helping the other person feel safe and not afraid

Specialness Showing the other person that they are special to us Valuing the relationship

Support Helping each other

What are your top 3 relational needs? Comfort Acceptance Affection Appreciation Attention Respect Encouragement Security Specialness Support

Love meets the need before the other person realises they have it… In healthy relationships we need to meet each other’s relational needs and let other people meet ours. Love meets the need before the other person realises they have it…

How is this useful? Recognise your own needs in a situation. Find comfortable ways to let people know what you need. Wonder what other people may be needing. Ask if you are not sure. Listen for clues to their needs in what they are saying and doing. Know that every time you meet someone’s need you are strengthening the relationship.

Using with clients Invite clients to guess their own top 3 needs, and to guess the top 3 needs of other family members. Invite them to explore different ways they could meet each other’s needs. Encourage them to meet each other’s needs. It often takes only a few words or simple actions. Help them to listen for the relational needs underneath other people’s communication. They can respond to the needs rather than react to the words.

Emotional Pies Emotional ‘pies’ are pie charts that people draw to show what they are feeling inside. It helps everyone to understand how other people are feeling. It can help people understand how to help each other with some of their emotions.

annoyed feel bad calm OK happy scared

Confused mixed emotion Stressed and tired Happy and safe

8 year old guessing dad’s pie Doesn’t listen Sun Lose temper Angry Fine Triple happy Happy

14 year old guessing mum’s pie Stressed Confused Happy Cautious/ worried Annoyed Hurt Angry/ upset Mixed

Emotional Pies Draw a circle. Say – This is like a pie of all your feelings. You can divide it up and colour it in any way you like to show what you are feeling inside (or what you think someone else is feeling inside). Write one of your feelings on each slice. Later... Write or talk about how other people might recognise what you are feeling, and what you would like them to do to support you.

Invent a machine Invent a machine that your family really needs. It is not one that you can really buy. It is an imaginary machine that might solve one of your family’s problems.

Invent a machine You can’t buy or make your creative machine… But how could each of you be a part of this amazing machine in your own home?

I am a calm machine and I take all your things out of your mind.

Comfort menu This is a simple activity to use when a family has been/is going through a time of distress or sadness. Make a list together of all the things they can do to help each other feel comforted and soothed. This is their Comfort Menu. They can add other items to the menu at any time. They can take it home, put it on the fridge or wall, and use it as a way to let other people know what they need.

Comfort menu In small groups of 3-4 make your own comfort/soothing menu. Make a list of at least 12 things that you could do to comfort or soothe someone in your own family.

Turn a complaint into a polite request Transform complaining/nagging in this simple way: When you hear a complaint ask the complainer to stop and turn their complaint into a polite and clear request: When this specific thing happens… In this specific context… I feel…because... And it would really help me if you would… And then I can help you by…

Turn a complaint into a polite request ‘You’re so messy!’ might become: ‘When your school books are left on the kitchen table While I am trying to make the dinner I feel frustrated because it makes more work for me. And it would really help me if you would tidy them away an hour before dinner So that I can set the table and get your dinner ready more quickly.’ Try turning one of your common complaints into a polite request.

What are you taking away? What are the main three things you are taking away from this workshop to use in your therapy or relationships? Tell a partner what they are and how you might use them.

Thank you!