Child and adolescent Counseling Week 12 Parenting strategies and tools

Topics that will be covered: Helping children deal with their feelings Encouraging children to cooperate without damaging their self-esteem Alternatives to punishment How to encourage problem solving Encouraging autonomy How to praise children in a way that raises their self- esteem Freeing children from playing roles How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk (Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish) How to Talk so Little Kids will Listen (Joanna Faber and Julie King) The Whole-Brain Child (Daniel Siegel)

Parenting is tough! Nonjudgmental approach Align with parents whenever possible There is no perfect parent, you will fail, you almost always get a second chance No strategy will work EVERY time

Video 1 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QM_PQ2WUD2k&sns=em

Helping Children Deal With Their Feelings Parents often automatically deny their child’s feelings “oh you don’t really feel that way” “you’re not hot! It’s cold outside put a sweater on!” “It’s not a big deal!” “I don’t want to hear it” Accept their feelings. Listen with full attention and without judgment Acknowledge their feelings. Give their feeling/s a name. “I can see you’re frustrated.” Behavioral economics research has shown that even adults don’t make rational decisions. They make decisions based on emotions – feelings. Help kids deal with their feelings, then they’ll feel right and will behave right. How? Accept their feelings. Parents usually don’t accept a child’s feelings. “You can’t tired, you just had a nap.”

Helping Children Deal With Their Feelings When you give a feeling a name, also be specific. To show empathy – that you understand. Don’t say, “I understand…” because you probably don’t. Respond with “The movie was a little scary in the part where the transformer was blown up.” Give them their wishes in fantasy. Examples Junk food Leaving playground Use art and/or words “Is this how mad you are?” With adults, you can say, “I understand…” if you’re repeating or rephrasing what they just said, or if you are specific about the details of the feeling. Listening empathetically is the key – with real concern.

Helping Children Deal With Their Feelings Sit on those “buts” Instead use: “The problem is…” “I know you know…”

To Engage a Child’s Cooperation Describe what you see, or describe the problem. “There’s a wet towel on the bed.” Give information. “The towel is getting my blanket wet.” Say it with a word. “The towel!” Describe what you feel. “I don’t like sleeping in a wet bed.” “I need kids to be safe so it makes me worried when I see a kids jump off the table” Write a note. The power of the written word “Please put me back so I can dry.” “No visitors until 8:00am” Don’t blame or insult, just remind. Put notes on doors to keep people out. Post schedules.

To Engage a Child’s Cooperation The Power of Humor and Play Clothes wanting to eat Socks Robot voice Card games Silly choices

Younger Children: To Engage a Child’s Cooperation Younger Children: To Engage a Child’s Cooperation...Personal examples with my son “Ninja style” Leaving preschool Getting dressed Buckling up Rocket Ninja Speed Eating- Ninja fuel

Alternatives to Punishment Express your feelings strongly—without attacking character. “I” statements, not “you” statements. “I’m furious my tools were left out all night!” State your expectations. “I expect my tools to be put back after they’re borrowed.” The way that parents speak to their children becomes their inner voice

Alternatives to Punishment Show how to make amends. “What these tools need now is a little steel wool and a lot of elbow grease.”

Alternatives to Punishment Give the child a choice (consequences). “You can borrow my tools and return them, or you can give up the privilege of using them. Your choice.” Take action to follow through on consequences. Child: “Why is the tool box locked.” Father: “You tell me why.” Problem solve with the child. “What can we work out so that you can use my tools when you need them, and so that I’ll be sure they’re there when I need them?” Ask them what they feel an appropriate consequence should be Write it down Grocery store Toy Store To problem solve Ex. War Robots Problem

Encouraging Autonomy Let children make choices whenever possible. “Are you in the mood for your grey pants today, or your red pants.” Show respect for a child’s struggle. “A jar can be hard to open. Sometimes it helps if you tap the side of the lid with a spoon.” “___________ can be tricky sometimes Children and Adolescents often have little control over their environment Toast, Clothes bins As a manager you know that people crave autonomy and independence – they want to be delegated to. You want to delegate to people who have earned your trust.

To Encourage Autonomy Don’t rush to answer questions. “That’s an interesting question. What do you think?” Encourage children to use sources outside the home. “Maybe the pet shop owner would have a suggestion.” Don’t take away hope. “So you’re thinking of trying out for the play! That should be an experience.”

Praising to Raise Self-Esteem Describe what you see. “I see a clean floor, a smooth bed, and books lined up on the shelf.” Specificity is important to give useful feedback and to show that you are not brushing them off and that you thought about it. Describe what you feel. “It’s a pleasure to walk into this room!” Don’t overdo praise or be too enthusiastic. You must be honest and authentic so you don’t interfere with a child’s desire for accomplishment. Art at this phase is usually scribles- I see red luptiloops zig zags etc.

Praising to Raise Self-Esteem Don’t use “I” statements, such as, “I’m so proud of you.” Use “you” statements and descriptors Example: you worked really hard on that project and look how great it turned out! Focus on what they do right instead of what they did wrong. Example: “I see that you’ve done a great job cleaning up all the clothes, you only have the toys to finish up”

Positive Labels and Roles Children live up to expectations (self-fulfilling prophecy). To the roles we put them in “Mary, you’re being your bossy self again” – bossy. Overheard: “My oldest is a problem child.” – a problem. Use positive labels and roles.

Positive Labels and Roles Look for opportunities to show the child a new picture of herself. “You’ve had that toy since you were three and it almost looks like new.” – careful and responsible. Put children in situations where they can see themselves differently. “Sarah, your little sister is not feeling well, is there something you can do to make her feel better?’ Try and avoid labeling them “the shy one” instead: “she’ll do it when she’s ready”

Positive Labels and Roles Model the behavior you’d like to see. “It’s hard to lose, but I’ll try to be a sport about it. Congratulations on beating me.” Be a storehouse of your child’s special moments when they did something good. “I remember the time you…” – reinforcing. The story of Zachary’s day When a child acts according to the old label, state your feelings and/or your expectations. “I don’t like that. Despite your strong feelings, I expect sportsmanship from you!”

Remember… Parents, therapists and leaders are role models. Children will model your behavior. How you act, they will act. How you treat them is how they will treat themselves and others. Re-learning how to parent is like learning a new language- its difficult to do and it takes a long time for it to fully integrate and become second nature. you may always speak with an accent but the good news is that this will be your children’s first language

https://youtu.be/HtAtBBpXhjk Video 2 https://youtu.be/HtAtBBpXhjk