Crucial conversations state my path How to speak persuasively, not abrasively

“STATE” STATE My Path Share your facts Tell your story Ask for others’ paths Talk Tentatively Encourage Testing STATE Am I really open to others’ views? Am I talking about the real issue? Am I confidently expressing my own views?

STATE My path once you have worked on yourself to create the right conditions for dialogue you can draw upon the 5 distinct skills to help you maneuver through even the toughest conversations The first three skills describe WHAT to do…. Share your facts Tell your story Ask for others’ paths The last two tell HOW to do it…… Talk Tentatively Encourage Testing

The best at dialogue speak their minds completely and do it in a way that makes it safe for others to hear what they have to say and respond to it. Share Risky Meaning Speak open and honestly but safely Stick to facts vs “chatter” Allow other person to talk, encourage their engagement Create safe dialogue Maintain Safety Confidence, speak with and stick with the facts, know what you are saying needs to be said and heard without harm to the other Humility, be kind, it is about them not you, allow their input it is valuable Skill, be prepared with facts and empathy and honesty

The first three skills describe what to do.. Share your facts Tell your story Ask for others’ paths A “what” skill Facts are the least controversial Facts are the most persuasive Facts are the least insulting Begin your path with facts A “what” skill It takes confidence to tell your story Don’t pile it on, “slow and steady” Look for safety problems -People become defensive -Body Language, Silence, Violence A “what” skill One you have shared the facts invite the other to do the same Encourage them to express facts, stories and feelings and LISTEN

STATE MY PATH……MY STORY “COUNSELING AND FIRING A PHYSICIAN” Crucial Conversations had to be had on many levels, with the staff, the Physician, the Partnering Physicians and my CEO to begin dismissal process for Physician Shared the facts (Fraudulent billing, poor quality of care, below standards for Press Ganey scores, staff afraid of, humiliation of others in front of peers, rudeness and cursing to vendors, throwing of staplers and other items at staff when angry) Told Story to CEO and President so I could begin Corrective Action on path to dismissal while sharing only FACTUAL information Presented FACTS to Physician and allowed her time to share her opinions, thoughts and perception of situation and her feelings

The last two skills describe How to do.. TALK TENTATIVELY ENCOURAGE TESTING Tell your story rather than Invite opposing views disguising it as fact. Mean it Blend between confidence and humility Play devil’s advocate Our observations may be faulty-our stories educated guesses Tentative language reduces defensiveness

A “good” story-The Goldilocks test Too soft: “This is probably stupid, but…” Too hard: “How come you ripped us off?” Just right: “It’s starting to look like you’re taking this home for your own use. Is that right?” Too soft: “It’s probably my fault, but….” Too hard: “You would trust your own mother to make a one-minute egg!” Just right: “I’m starting to feel like you don’t trust me. Is that what’s going on here? If so, I’d like to know what I did to lose your trust.”

Back to the Motel Bob & Carol’s Crucial Conversation Carol was able to avoid nasty accusations and ugly stories, shared facts, and then tentatively shared a possible conclusion.

Strong Belief You do not own the pool We feel justified in using dirty tricks What do you really want? Tone down your approach Catch yourself. Communication Challenge You know you are right and they are wrong Learn to look for signs of resistance. Catch yourself-backoff harsh and conclusive language

State My Path……My Story performance evaluation w/ Sales Representative Share my Facts- Poor goal performance. Numerous complaints from customers Story-” I would like to talk to you about several phone calls that I have received recently from some of your accounts….” “ I have noticed the last few months that your sales have not been up to company standards or even up compared to your recent past. Ask for others’ paths- Asked for their point of view, and their “story” Talk Tentatively- “I understand that there can be some miscommunication but we need to make sure that everyone is one the same page; you, me, and the customer. Encourage Testing- “ If there is anything that I am missing, or anything that I need to know that is pertinent to you performing your job, I want you to feel comfortable coming to me with any issues. Does that sound like a good idea?

How to listen when others blow up or clam up. Explore Other’s Paths How to listen when others blow up or clam up.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q2VKlNwH2bw

Listen To Others One of the best ways to persuade others is with your ears By listening to others. When you know not to go to silence or violence but the other person is, what can you do when others do damage to the pool of meaning by clamming up (refusing to speak their minds), or blowing up, communicating in a way that is abusive and insulting. The answer is, “It depends.” You can’t force others to dialogue, but you can take steps to make it safer for them to do so. Restoring safety is the best way to get dialogue back on track.

Be sincere Invite others to share what is on their mind Be curious Start With Heart Be sincere Invite others to share what is on their mind Be curious Invite others to share what is on their mind. In order to do this you must relay want to know what’s on their mind. Do not pretend to be interested. Be prepared to listen. Be curious. Make it safe for the person’s involve to express the stories that are moving them to silence or violence. When others become furious, we need to become curious, wonder what’s behind the ruckus. How do we do this? Get to the source. Do your best to get at the persons source of fear or anger. Be curious instead of kick start your adrenaline. Let others know it’s safe to talk by your actions and words. People will more likely respond if they feel safe.

Be Patent It may take others a while to calm down from the adrenaline rush in order to talk rationally Encourage them to share their path, hen wait for their emotions to catch up with the safety you’ve created. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8cqUAKgnrUA Although it is natural to move quickly from one thought to the next, strong emotions take a while to subside. The chemicals that full emotions hang around in the blood stream for a while. It may take a while for these to subside.

Encourage Others to Retrace Their Path to Action See and Hear Tell a story Feel Act https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gIiMt9GgyDY The above is the path to irrational thoughts. People will see and hear what they want, tell them selves a story, feel a certain type of way, and act upon their emotions. You must break the cycle by finding out what the other person/s involved have witnessed. Step out of the irrational path and make it safe for the other to talk about how they have concluded what they have. You perform this feat by encouraging the others to move away from harsh feelings and knee jerk reactions and toward the root cause. In essence try to retrace the persons path to action together. Then you can move from an emotional conclusion to what the other actually observed. Return to the facts.

Inquiry skills The ques are simple, Silence and Violence Listen. We must listen in a way that makes it safe for others to share their thoughts without feeling judged. There are 4 power listening skills (next slide)

A.M.P.P. Ask Mirror Paraphrase Prime These tools work for when people go to either silence or violence.

Ask To get things rolling Invite them to express themselves Seek to understand their views Example: What’s going on? I’d like to hear your opinion.

Mirror Take the portion we know of the others path to action and make it safe to talk about. Describe how the other looks or how the are acting. Most useful if the tone of voice or gestures are inconsistent with their words Show respect to him or her. Take care of your tone of voice and actions. Act calmly to build safety. Examples, you say your ok, but your tone of voice is saying otherwise.

Paraphrase Used to acknowledge your actively listening Be careful to not “parrot back” Put the message in your own words in an abbreviated form Remain clam and collective. Do all this in a way to say its ok to talk and feel safe.

Prime When you believe others still have something to share. Prime their thoughts to help them share Pour some meaning into the pool to help the other know its safe to add their thoughts. Pump metaphor* It’s an act of good faith, being vulnerable, in hopes that others will share their thoughts and add to the pool of meaning.

Don’t Push to Hard Back off Don’t violate respect Gracefully exit or ask what he/she wants to see happen. If the three listening skills still don’t calm the other down back off for a bit. If you push too hard, people may think you’re pestering. Asking people what they want helps to achieve problem solving. And gets to the problem.

How to stay calm Remember it’s about trying to understand their view, not entirely to agree with it. Try to understand what they are feeling instead of focusing on your emotions.

When Others finally Open UP Now it’s your turn to talk Start with agreement, and Agree where you do Don’t turn settle differences into a debate If you disagree, agree where you do.

Take Away Agree where you do Build upon what you agree with Don’t look for minor errors Use healthy dialoged Use the AAMP listing skills Compare your path with the other persons and describe how you may see things differently and work together.

Don’t Forget Your ABC’s Agree where you agree Build when others leave out key pieces Compare where you differ. DON’T turn differences into debates.

How to turn crucial conversations into action and results Move to action How to turn crucial conversations into action and results

2 reasons for failing to put ideas into action Unclear expectations about how decisions will be made Failure to follow up on decisions made

Dialogue is not decision making: riskiest times Beginnings of conversations are risky because you are required to create safety Ends of conversations require clarification of conclusions and decisions

Decide how to decide Dialogue is not decision making Dialogue is a process that involves everyone that gets all relevant meaning into a shared pool Whoever is in the position of authority decides which decision making method will be used When the line of authority is not clear, a joint decision will be made after all participants contribute their meaning to the pool

4 methods of decision making Command- decision made by authority without any involvement from others Consult- decision makers ask others to influence them before a decision is made Gather ideas, evaluate options, make a choice, and inform the broader population Vote- used when several decent options are being discussed. If members disagree with the final decision and refuse to support it, consensus is required Consensus- one decision is agreed upon by all members. This option should only be used with high-stakes and complex issues or with issues where everyone is required to support the final choice.

4 important questions to consider when choosing between decision making methods Who cares? Determine who wants to be involved and exclude those who don’t Who knows? Determine who has the expertise needed to make the best decision. Exclude those who do not provide new information Who must agree? Involve those whose cooperation may be needed in the form of authority or influence in any decisions you might make How many people is it worth involving? Involve the fewest number that will make for a quality decision

4 elements for putting decisions into action Who? Assign a name to every responsibility Does what? Define the exact deliverable By when? Set deadlines How will you follow up? Agree on a method and how often you will follow up. Set an accountability process

Document your work Write down details of conclusions, decisions, and assignments Document who does what and by when Review notes and assignments when necessary

QUESTIONS?