Good Morning, Today’s class is Understanding and Creating Personal and Relational Boundaries. -Define Personal Boundaries -Notes: 7 Types of boundaries -Personal Boundaries Activity: Personal Space -Identifying your personal boundaries -Reflection #18 “The shortest route to better boundaries is to really like yourself. Better yet, really love yourself.” -Unknown

What are personal boundaries? Why are they important?

Personal Boundaries… guidelines, rules or limits that a person creates to identify for themselves what are reasonable, safe and permissible ways for other people to behave around them and how they will respond when someone steps outside of those limits. They are built out of a mix of beliefs, opinions, attitudes, past experiences, and social learning.

“Boundaries are a life enhancing system of “yes” and “no‟s “Boundaries are a life enhancing system of “yes” and “no‟s.” They are stop signs and borders you install to protect yourself so that it is clear that you own your life, make good choices, and pursue the authentic expression of who you are in the way you live, love, give and relate.” (Source: Black, J. & Enns, G. (1997) Better Boundaries: Owning and Treasuring Your Life. Oakland, CA. Raincoast Books)

Personal Boundaries •Personal boundaries are physical, emotional and mental limits we establish to protect ourselves from being manipulated, used, or violated.

2. Emotional boundaries •Healthy emotional boundaries separate and distinguish our emotions and responsibilities from those of others. A person with healthy emotional boundaries does not find it necessary to give unsolicited advice, try to make someone else feel better, try to fix or rescue others from their problem, or blame others for the state of their life.

3. Mental boundaries •Mental boundaries refer to the ability to define and stay true to your thoughts, values and opinions. Healthy mental boundaries enable us to think our own thoughts and form our own opinions, and with that the ability to reject thoughts and opinions that we do not agree with.

4. Material boundaries •Material boundaries determine what belongs to you, and what you wish to do with your money and belongings. If codependents tend to lack awareness of their self worth and identity, they may use their material belongings to manipulate those around them. They may bestow gifts on others when it’s uncalled for with the sole aim of winning their favor or affection.

5. Physical boundaries • Physical boundaries refer to your personal space, privacy, and body. These boundaries relate to what, where, when, and with whom you would like to get close to.

6. Spiritual boundaries • Spiritual boundaries define our beliefs and our place in the scheme of life. Having healthy spiritual boundaries enables us to define our personal relationship. If we practice implementing a spiritual boundary, then even when others try to impose their beliefs on us, we feel free to define and explore our life purpose, gifts and talents to then decide what suits us best.

Difficulties in setting boundaries Boundaries are not something we are born with; we learn them as we grow up. But if raised in a dysfunctional or addicted family where there were few rules or limits on unacceptable behavior, it is likely we would not be aware of our right to set healthy limits in our relationships.

Below are some common reasons codependents find it difficult to set boundaries in relationships. o We were never taught how to set healthy boundaries o We suffer from low self-esteem and low self-worth o We do not consider ourselves worthy to be recognized o We believe we do not deserve to be treated equally o We do not know our needs and wants o We do not believe we have a right to assert our needs and wants o We believe other people’s needs and wants are more important than our own o We don’t know how to say no o We believe we are helpless in the face of other’s demands o We do not know we have a choice to protest unacceptable behavior o We believe we will be rejected, ridiculed or abandoned o We believe we may anger and displease others o We believe we will appear arrogant or selfish o We take on other people’s responsibilities and enmesh our lives in theirs o We believe it is against our culture and upbringing to ask for respect http://hamrah.co/en/pages/boundaries-and-codependency/

Physical Boundary How was/can it be violated Physical Boundary How was/can it be violated? What can you do to enforce it? i.e. Purse/Backpack i.e. Friend goes through it i.e./Remind friend to ask, do not leave purse/backpack unattended Your Body Personal Space Personal Space Activity If your group chooses, try the following exercise to measure personal space boundaries. 1.Get into groups of 2 – try to choose someone you do not know well. 2. Each pair stands facing each other, about 5 feet apart 3. Have person A close their eyes and stand still, while person B walks slowly and quietly towards them. 4. Have person A say „Stop‟ when person he/she feels that the other person has gotten to close. They can then open their eyes. 5. Switch roles and repeat. Sexual Boundaries A sexual boundary is how far we are willing to take what we do sexually or physically. Maybe you have never thought about it but it is important to know of and be aware of your sexual limits and how to maintain them. Do not be swayed by a persuasive potential lover to do something or be something you are not. Relational Boundaries are those that are in place for the various types of relationships that you have in your life. For example, your relationship with a bus driver you see on a regular basis is very different from the relationship you have with a best friend.

Your Personal Boundaries: What are they?

Reflection #18 Using Boundaries In Your Relationship – Watch Out Reflection #18 Using Boundaries In Your Relationship – Watch Out! Should you put your foot down in your relationship or should you try to be more flexible? We all make boundaries in relationships and they often work well for us. We know what we can accept and will tolerate from our partners or friends. Boundaries are our self-protection and can stop us from getting hurt. However, sometimes boundaries can cause misunderstanding and breakups. Connect to todays class by retelling what you’ve learned, relating to it, and reflecting on it.

What are your personal boundaries and how are they working in your relationship? How about your partner's boundaries – can you live up to them? Are your boundaries in harmony with each other? Relationship boundaries vary dramatically from person to person and can be big or small.

Examples of big boundaries – would you accept a friend or partner who: Is having an affair Uses illicit drugs on a regular basis Abuses you, Hurts your children or your pets The big boundaries are what you might not tolerate and cause your relationship to end.

Then there are the smaller boundaries Examples of smaller boundaries: Places you prefer they not go Do not approve of other friends Actions you want them to do daily Food you prefer they eat or not eat

Types of Boundaries Boundaries 1. Personal 2. Emotional 3. Mental 4. Material 5. Physical 6. Spiritual

My Personal Boundaries Family Friends Acquaintances Strangers

My Personal Boundaries. It’s OK. It’s not OK Family:. Friends: My Personal Boundaries It’s OK It’s not OK Family: Friends: Dating Partner: Acquaintances: Strangers:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rtsHUeKnkC8 Boundaries-TedTalk