Whip Around What characteristic do you value in a friend? Think about this question and be prepared to share aloud.

Chapter 14 Developing and Maintaining Relationships: From Formation to Dissolution Copyright © 2014, 2011, 2008 Pearson Education, Inc. All Rights Reserved.

Interpersonal Communication Competence Researchers have found that five skills lead to competence in interpersonal communication: The ability to adapt and know how to communicate in specific situations The ability to adapt and appropriately communicate in specific interactions The ability to understand your own and the other person’s values, beliefs, attitudes, or feelings The ability to self-monitor The ability to be fair and ethical

Interpersonal Communication Competence Five skills leading to interpersonal competence are: Adapt and know how to communicate Adapt and use appropriate communicate Understand values, beliefs, attitudes, or feelings. Self-monitor. Be fair and ethical. Photo from chapter 10, 2 Copyright © 2014, 2011, 2008 Pearson Education, Inc. All Rights Reserved.

Relationship Formation Interpersonal Attraction—the desire to interact with someone. Physical Attributes Observations from first impressions Stereotypes and appearance Communication and Attraction Fear of rejection by those who are more attractive Similarity in attraction Chemistry or Physical Attraction Physical attraction is important Chemistry (attraction at first sight) Meeting online Women are more likely to form online relationships The depth and personal aspects of the relationship add to the possibility of moving beyond the computer Copyright © 2014, 2011, 2008 Pearson Education, Inc. All Rights Reserved.

Think-pair-share Why is attraction an important aspect of forming relationships?

Knapp & Vangelisti: Stages of Coming Together Initiating - meet and interact for the first time Experimenting - discover common ground Intensifying - increase self-disclosure Integrating - establish deep commitment Bonding - announce commitment publicly

Relationships: Initiation or Coming Together Initiating Experimenting Intensifying Integrating Bonding Copyright © 2014, 2011, 2008 Pearson Education, Inc. All Rights Reserved.

Stages of “Coming Together” Initiating Definition: stage where you will decide whether or not to begin a relationship – based on 1st impression https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bUOuu2XWK30 Usually a brief stage Consider verbal and nonverbals, social and physical attractiveness Example: Verbal: length of comments and tone of voice Nonverbal: smiling, eye contact, appearance Initiating stage is a brief fist encounter that creases a first impression based on… Verbal cues – length of comments and tone of voice Nonverbal cues – smiling, eye contact, handshakes, appearance Do I have any interest in getting to know this person? Yes/No 9

Stages of “Coming Together” (cont.) Experimenting Definition: screening process where people share information to see if they have anything in common Example: First date Follows a positive initiation stage https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4UEVEzJp560 Many relationships do not move beyond this stage – not everyone can be your BFF Some relationships skip this step completely This stage can occur via Internet chat rooms Experimenting is the screening process (like a first date) during which you… Share information to see if you are compatible, interesting, have same values, etc. Surface-level self-disclosure and reciprocity (sharing information about each other) Most relationships don’t get past this point – ex. Classmates Progressing through this stage occurs at different paces 10

Stages of “Coming Together” (cont.) Intensifying Definition: a decided shift in communicator’s focus as he or she changes from interacting regularly with a variety of others to focusing resources and time upon one partner Example: dating several people to just one individual Dating around becomes going steady Become more exclusive Make plans for the future Marked by deep disclosures “we” & “us” vs. “you” & “I” Immediacy and physical interaction increase; verbal shortcuts – “my friend Bill” becomes “Bill” https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jqX88BrffP8 In the intensifying stage you focus more attention to one specific person, such as… Going from dating various people to being boyfriend-girlfriend Having several friends to having a “best friend” More personal self-disclosure (intimate things-not just romantically) “We” centered rather than “I” centered Making future plans Increases in emotional & physical closeness (intimacy) Verbal short-cuts 11

Stages of “Coming Together” (cont.) Integrating Definition: partners share self-symbols, want to take on characteristics of their partner; becoming more alike Example: inside jokes Values are shared, then hobbies, friends, possessions, and the like are used to reinforce to each other and others outside the relationship https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R9-5wtuS_TM In the integrating stage you merge and become more alike… We tend to like people we are similar to, and want to be similar to people we like Take on characteristics of the boyfriend or girlfriend that you like Your verbal and verbal communication become more similar to your partner’s Sharing friends (our friends) and property (our apartment) Take on aspects of the other – start playing golf, go to concerts, etc The less you have as “yours,” the less future problems you’ll have   12

Stages of “Coming Together” (cont.) Bonding Definition: occurs when there is a ceremony of some sort that publicly communicates the commitments the partners have made to each other Examples: marriage, blood brothers/sisters http://abc.go.com/shows/modern-family/video/pl5520993/VDKA0_q8rfl9h9 Also note… Increased interdependence Communication patterns don’t shift much Bonding is a formal connection made through some ceremony, such as… Weddings Becoming a godparent Adopting a child Initiation in a Greek organization Communication patterns don’t shift much Increased interdependence 13

Knapp & Vangelisti: Stages of Coming Apart Differentiating - focus on differences Circumscribing - reduce communication Stagnating - avoid communication Avoiding - create distance Terminating - end the relationship

Relationships: Coming Apart Terminating Avoiding Stagnating Circumscribing Differentiating Copyright © 2014, 2011, 2008 Pearson Education, Inc. All Rights Reserved.

Stages of “Falling Apart” Differentiating (opposite of initiation stage) Definition: we attempt to re-assert our own individual identity Examples: go back to school, best friend makes new friends Develop separate interests and social networks Potential for an increase in conflict/disagreement Differentiation can be positive https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OaKiFbsAIIQ Differentiating is the opposite of the initiation stage You start to notice differences in each other You develop separate interests and social networks Disagreements and arguments become more frequent Increased psychological distance NOTE: To differentiate is not always negative… Two twins in a class may grow if they are separated 16

Stages of “Falling Apart” (cont.) Circumscribing Definition: keeping communication to be “safe” or non-disputed areas; selective about what information to share, avoid personal topics Example: How’s the weather vs. politics In the circumscribing stage you carefully keep communication to “safe” topic areas Avoid politically charged topics Avoid personal topics Communication selective and careful Less spontaneous NOTE: relationships at the circumstancing stage may appear normal at first glance   Relationships at the circumscribing stage may appear normal at fist glance 17

Stages of “Falling Apart” (cont.) Stagnating Definition: partners avoid new topics for fear of negative outcomes, so they stick to past communication routines Often easier to stay in this type of relationship vs. terminating – no work involved Stagnating stage…think of a time when you have had an argument with a roommate and you don’t talk much for a few days—that’s what stagnating relationships are like Fewer and fewer topics are discussed (How was class? How’s work? etc.) The relationship becomes boring We endure the stagnating stage knowing that things will end soon Difficult to reverse because it takes work, but a stagnating relationship takes no work Social Exchange Theory – we weigh the costs and rewards in our relationships to help us decide to stay or bail 18

Stages of “Falling Apart” (cont.) Avoiding Definition: an individual actively avoids contact with his or her partner – both physically and psychologically Example: BF/GF went to Chacho’s on Friday – you go to Pappasitos Limited communication or interaction https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-XBvpOZVWF4 In the avoiding stage you make a conscious effort to avoid your friend or significant other EX: Working late, school work, friends in town, etc. Increased psychological and physical distance Very limited communication or interaction with your partner 19

Stages of “Falling Apart” (cont.) Terminating Definition: ending the relationship This could come suddenly (death) or take a long time (divorce) The more integrated the relationship, the longer it will likely take to end it Terminating is not always bad http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VLJtAEnkx58 How the terminating stage is managed depends on several factors… How integrated you were (the more you have in common, the more difficult it will be to break up) Your feelings towards your partner (if you had a big fight, it might be quick, but if you still care for him or her, it will take longer) EX: Married couples – terminating will take a long time, if even completely possible EX: Dating couples – terminating the relationship is less complicated How you terminate the relationship will determine future interactions Terminating is not always bad. People might be happier after “it’s over.” 20

Additional Predictions About Stages Differentiating may be positive for a relationship Terminating will differ depending on what stage you are in Length of time spent in a given stage may relate to personality traits Perceptions of stages may differ Terminating is not necessarily bad 21

Overview of Relational Stages Recognizable by type of communication that occurs What are the nonverbals when a relationship is just beginning? More space between the two people Example: opposite sides of table Fewer eye gazes What are the nonverbals when a relationship has progressed? Less space between the two people (become more immediate) Example: site beside each other, hold hands, hug https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C9T-nhZU8Hs Relationships, at the most fundamental level, can either come together or move apart. This involves reducing or increasing psychological, emotional, and maybe even physical closeness (depending on the type of relationship). 22

Overview of Relational Stages (cont.) Recognizable by type of communication that occurs What subjects are discussed in the new relationship vs. the one that has progressed? New relationship: less risky information Relationship that has progressed: intimate information 23

Overview of Relational Stages (cont.) Changes in Psychological/Emotional Closeness During the “coming together stage” get closer During the “falling apart stage” begin to put yourself at greater distance Degrees of closeness are not constant, relationships are dynamic and constantly changing 24

Overview of Relational Stages (cont.) Stages may vary in length No set time limit for any stage No set order or sequence of stages 25

Overview of Relational Stages (cont.) Relationships are a process: change is inevitable Relationships do not stay the same from the day they started Strangers -> Friends -> Boyfriend/Girlfriend There are times when we move further away – can come back and make relationship stronger 26

Relationship Maintenance Strategies Positivity Openness Assurances Blending Social Networks Sharing Tasks © Yuri Arcurs/Fotolia Relationship Maintenance Strategies

Relationship Formation Relationship Management Strategies Positivity Communication behaviors make others feel good or comfortable around us. Those who communicate this way are more fun and pleasant to be around. Openness An open person is willing to self-disclose thoughts and feelings. That person shares needs and wants in regard to relationships. Assurances Verbal and nonverbal behaviors demonstrate commitment to another. This implies the relationship has a future.

Relationship Formation Relationship Management Strategies Blending Social Networks Common friends help a couple bond the relationship. Sharing Tasks Each person does his or her fair share of the work. Sharing tasks requires effort and energy to make the relationship work.

Relationship Dissolution Signs That Relationships Are in Trouble Aggressive behavior Aiming to hurt the other party Lies Deceives another by not telling the truth Betrayal Extramarital affairs, gossip, and harmful criticism Deception and betrayal are similar. The difference is that betrayal violates a confidence and an agreed on expectation. Copyright © 2014, 2011, 2008 Pearson Education, Inc. All Rights Reserved.

Relational Repair Strategies Open/honest communication Bring out/focus on positive side Evaluate rewards/costs Seek support Reinterpret other’s behavior Reduce negativity

Duck’s Phases of Dissolution The Intrapsychic Phase Internally assess their classification of their relationship The Dyadic Phase Discuss the status of their relationship The Social Phase Relationship difficulties become more public within the context of family, friends, coworkers, etc. The Grave-Dressing Phase Final phase because after the breakup, each partner gives an account of why the relationship ended. Copyright © 2014, 2011, 2008 Pearson Education, Inc. All Rights Reserved.

Interpersonal Conflict According to Wilmot and Hocker, conflict is an expressed struggle between at least two interdependent parties who perceive incompatible goals, scarce resources, and interference from others in achieving their goals. Can lead to conflict: Faulty communication Faulty attribution errors Faulty perceptions and a tendency to perceive our own views as objective and reflective of reality, but others as not based in reality Personality traits or characteristics Copyright © 2014, 2011, 2008 Pearson Education, Inc. All Rights Reserved.

What are the pros and cons of conflict?

Both Sides of Conflict Destructive Beneficial Winner vs. loser Too aggressive behaviors, withdrawal, withholding feelings Prevents work or feeling good about ourselves Forces us to do things we do not want to do Outcome more important than the relationship Form of bullying Bring out problems that need solving Bring people together to clarify goals and explore new ideas Eliminate resentments and help in understanding Bring out creativity Produce acceptable solutions Pay attention to other points of view Bring new life into a relationship Copyright © 2014, 2011, 2008 Pearson Education, Inc. All Rights Reserved.

Managing Relational Tensions Denial- denying the problem exists. Selection- accommodating one party. Segmentation- choosing certain areas to be open for discussion. Reframing- redefining tension in order to make it less obvious; make it disappear. Moderation- compromising; deals are struck in order to reduce tension. Reaffirmation- accepting that tension will always be present and embracing it.

Causes of Conflict Faulty communication Faulty attributions Faulty perceptions Personal traits or characteristics

Strategies for Conflict Management or Resolution in Relationships Withdrawing Accommodating Forcing Negotiating Collaboration Copyright © 2014, 2011, 2008 Pearson Education, Inc. All Rights Reserved.

Interpersonal Conflict What are useful Strategies for Conflict Management or Resolution in Interpersonal Relationships? Withdrawing: Removing ourselves from the situation. Accommodating: One person does not assert his or her own needs but rather prefers to go along to get along. Forcing: One person has dominance and power over another. Negotiating: This is a give-and-take process that leads to each party having some satisfaction and some dissatisfaction with the outcome. Collaboration: Requires cooperation and mutual respect; both parties arrive at a mutually satisfying solution.

Interpersonal Conflict Relational Repair Strategies Engage in more open and honest communication and exhibit a willingness to listen to the other person with an open mind. Be willing to bring out the other person’s positive side. Evaluate the potential rewards and costs for keeping the relationship together versus the rewards and costs for changing or ending it. Seek out the support of others to help keep the relationship together. Both parties must be willing to focus on the positive aspects of their relationship. Both parties must be willing to reinterpret the other’s behaviors as positive and well intentioned. Both parties have to be willing to reduce negativity and keep a balanced perspective.

Improving Communication Competence Address issues clearly Treat others with respect Know that praise will most likely produce desired responses Competent Communicators Copyright © 2014, 2011, 2008 Pearson Education, Inc. All Rights Reserved.

Improving Communication Competence in Relationships Establish Supportive and Caring Relationships Establishing supportive and caring relationships is important to our well-being, and the process is generally easier when communication is both positive and supportive. Nurture a Supportive Environment Positive and supportive communication occurs in open, flexible, warm, animated, and receptive environments.

Improving Communication Competence in Relationships Invite More Communication Many of us listen to others express their feelings and then immediately express our own. Skilled and caring communicators do not usually respond immediately with ideas, judgments, or feelings or express their own views.

Improving Competence (Continued) Establish Supportive and Caring Relationships Nurture a Supportive Environment Invite More Communication Courtesy of Marilyn Shaw Copyright © 2014, 2011, 2008 Pearson Education, Inc. All Rights Reserved

Think-pair-share Elissa and Josh met in a history course. He was athletic, good looking, and sensitive, and had a great personality. They began dating and appeared to be the perfect couple. Elissa began spending more and more time with Josh and less and less time with her college girlfriends. Elissa felt that was a lot easier than responding to Josh’s endless questions about her whereabouts and what she was doing every moment of the day. Elissa’s friends noticed a dramatic change in her personality. She seemed to have lost interest in the things she loved to do before she met Josh. She became distant and moody – just not her old self. Elissa doesn’t understand Josh’s behavior because she has asked him a thousand times if he loves her and trusts her and he always answers, “Of course I do.” What do you think is going on? What do you think happens to communication in an abusive relationship? What are the warning signs that someone is in an abusive relationship? How has technology increased the opportunities for abuse in relationships?