Tod Augusta-Scott Edmonton 2016

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Presentation transcript:

Tod Augusta-Scott www.bridgesinstitute.org Edmonton 2016 Restorative Justice and Narrative Therapy: Preparing men to heal/ repair the harms they created Reflexivity Tod Augusta-Scott www.bridgesinstitute.org Edmonton 2016

Restorative Justice Just outcomes: Repairing and healing the harms; restoring respect and safety Not about repairing, healing intimate relationships Not about face to face contact

Restorative Process Man or woman initiate contact Both have individual, some have groups independent of each other Counsellors communicate with each other Contact: video, letters, emails, face-to-face Engage wider community

Restorative Justice For many women, just outcomes include: Her (ex) partner acknowledging/ taking responsibility for what he did Her (ex) partner developing a plan not to abuse again Her (ex) partner acknowledging the effects of what he did Her (ex) partner working to heal, repair the harms; restore woman’s safety and respect - (Judith Herman, 2007) Give examples of men taking responsibility in front of women; teen with baseball bat

Preparing men to heal/ repair harms they created Re-authoring identity – taking responsibility; address mistakes; heal/ repair harms; respect and safety Develop relapse prevention plan Study the effects of abuse Repair/ healing the effects; restore respect, safety

1. Re-authoring identity taking responsibility; address mistakes; heal/ repair harms; respect and safety Taking responsibility leads to self-respect vs. self-defeat Feeling bad about perpetrating abuse and feeling good about stopping it and healing/ repairing the effects

Re-authoring identity Evil, Monster Timeline

Re-authoring identity Respect, fairness Evil, Monster Timeline

Re-authoring identity Respect, fairness Stories from men’s own experiences of injustice; men being responsible in the past Evil, Monster Timeline

1. Reauthoring identity Use men’s own experiences of oppression, childhood trauma, injustice – past and present Use men’s shame Use women’s abuse/ responsibility for their harmful choices No excuse for abuse; two wrongs don’t make a right Model how want to respond to hurt Avoid creating a double standard.

Re-authoring identity A. Men’s own oppression/ experiences of injustice What’s it like to be asked to take responsibility for how you are harming others, when no one is being asked to take responsibility for harming you?

Re-authoring identity A. Men’s own oppression/ experiences of injustice Access multiple stories, stories of resistance to injustice; taking a stand against unfairness Cultivate greater awareness of the effects of his abuse through his own experiences of abuse

Re-authoring Identity: B. Use men’s shame What does it say about you that you feel bad about what you have done? What would it say about you if you didn’t? How much courage does it take to face behavior that you are not proud of? Would you respect yourself more for facing up to the abuse/ shame or for avoiding it?

Re-authoring identity C. Use women’s use of abuse/ responsiblity Developing men’s commitment to taking responsibility by acknowledging women’s abuse/ responsibility Who is responsible for stopping your partner’s abusive behavior? What would she have to do to take responsibility? What would happen if she blamed you for her choices to use abuse in the relationship? What would it mean if your partner could slow down and think about the effects of her choices on you?

C. Re-authoring identity Use women’s use of abuse/ responsiblity So it sounds like your partner yelling at you is a warning sign that you need to slow down and remind yourself to take a time out? How do you want to respond when your partner is being disrespectful? When your partner is off track and going down the disrespect path, do you think you could hang on to your own value respect and stay on that path? Or would you be content to let go of your values and follow her down the disrespect path? Do you think you could hold on to your value for respect even if your partner does not?

Man after attending first individual restorative session “I just wanted to be with her and the kids to be happy and that was it. None of the rest was even on my mind. It’s just, I want to be together with my family, basically to be happy instead of depressed. But now I sit here and think about that [what he values in relationships]. Yeah this is what I wanted. Since I met her, this is what I wanted but it has never worked out that way. It is getting worse.”

Preparing men to heal/ repair harms they created Re-authoring identity – taking responsibility; address mistakes; heal/ repair harms; respect and safety Develop relapse prevention plan Study the effects of abuse Repair/ healing healing the effects; restore respect, safety

2. Relapse prevention plan What are the warning signs that precede abuse? When you spot the warning signs, what do you need to remind yourself of re: your values and the costs?

1. Values/ What’s important

Anger Drug Sex Excuses Justifications blaming 1. Values/ What’s important 2. Warning Signs Anger Drug Sex Excuses Justifications blaming Pain

Pain 1. Values/ What’s important 3. Abuse “I don’t care” 2. Warning Signs Anger Drug Sex Excuses Justifications blaming Pain

Pain 1. Values/ What’s important 3. Abuse “I don’t care” 2. Warning Signs Anger Drug Sex Excuses Justifications blaming Pain 4. Effects

Pain 1. Values/ What’s important 3. Abuse “I don’t care” 2. Warning Signs Anger Drug Sex Excuses Justifications blaming Pain 4. Effects

Pain 1. Values/ What’s important 3. Abuse “I don’t care” 5. Remind Myself 2. Warning Signs Anger Drug Sex Excuses Justifications blaming Pain 4. Effects

Woman after attending restorative sessions with partner “I feel safer knowing my partner is working towards understanding and controlling his abuse. I know counselling makes him a better listener and it allows me to express past hurts and to work on healing those wounds. It allows for honesty between us. It allows me to see my partner taking responsibility for his actions and thoughts.”

Preparing men to heal/ repair harms they created Re-authoring identity – taking responsibility; address mistakes; heal/ repair harms; respect and safety Develop relapse prevention plan Study the effects of abuse Repair/ healing the effects; restore respect, safety

3. Studying the effects How have your choices to abuse affected you? Your relationship? Your partner? Your children? Contracting to listen and acknowledge effects Acknowledge different experiences; intentions and effects may not be the same Women’s anger

Man after attending restorative sessions with partner “I know that I affected people in my family in a bad way with my abuse, but having my partner sit there and talk about it to other people makes me realize just how bad it really was. Taking responsibility for the abuse is a big step in healing yourself and your family.”

Woman after attending restorative sessions with partner “Sometimes it’s just so much easier to talk by myself to a stranger or counselor. But so often the stuff I’m saying and feeling needs to be shared with my partner in order to understand and heal, to not let history repeat itself. But this kind of communication just wasn’t possible between us with so much pain and shame – yet it is necessary!! And can be done with the counsellors.”

Man after attending restorative sessions with partner “We’re talking about stuff that I never really gave a shit about before. She’s talking about wanting more respect instead of her walking on eggshells because I yell all the time. She’s starting to talk with me. She’s saying, ‘This is what I want. When we go to our [restorative] meeting together, this is what I am going to say because this is what I feel.’

Man after attending restorative sessions with partner “And that’s good she’s saying that because we never talked that way before. Before I was too busy with me and I didn’t even think she had any feelings. I don’t mean that in a bad way but that was the last place my head was.”

Preparing men to heal/ repair harms they created Re-authoring identity – taking responsibility; address mistakes; heal/ repair harms; respect and safety Develop relapse prevention plan Study the effects of abuse Repair/ healing the effects; restore respect, safety

4. Repair/ heal the effects What might help repair/ heal the harms? Sexual respect Economic respect Listening Sharing ideas Parenting – messages for partner, for children

Woman after attending restorative sessions with partner “Attending these sessions together certainly made me feel safer. The sessions provided a time for both of us to reflect on the abuse. For myself, having him hear and learn about the effects of his abuse and take responsibility is very important. In order for me to begin to trust him... It was great to have him know my feelings on the topic!”

Criteria for contact: Addressing Gender Woman indicates she is safe; woman participating because she wants to rather than feeling pressured to participate Woman defines the type of contact she wants Woman expects him to focus on what she wants Woman holds man 100% responsible for his choices rather than blaming herself for his choices Woman feels safe and entitled to express her anger; woman not pressured to forgive man or make him feel better

Criteria for contact: Addressing Gender Man taking 100% responsibility for his choices rather than blaming her for his choices Man values respect, safety and equity rather than only wanting power and control Man wants to hear from her and acknowledge her experience of his violence and the effects of it on her rather than deny, minimize it Man wants to hear women’s anger rather than being defensive Man wants to hear about what he can do to heal/ repair the harms he created If the woman wants to hear, man wants to share his relapse prevention plan and his ideas about what he could do to heal/ repair the harms he’s created.

Defining Restorative Principles RJ Traditional Principled One-size-fits-all Just outcomes: Heal/ repair harm Just outcomes: Conviction/ punish Woman violated/ woman defines harms and just outcomes Law violated/ Judge defines harms and just outcomes Man takes responsibility Man avoids responsibility Community active in taking responsibility/ accountability Community passive in taking responsibility/ accountability Process seeks to not create more harms Process does little to consider if creating more harms Victim-focused Offender-focused RJ - Principled approach – not a fixed/ one-size-fits-all model; not everyone meeting together in a circle, face-to face; not restoring intimate relationships Just outcomes: Healing/ repairing the harms Women: Define harms and solutions Men: Supported to take responsibility to repair/ heal harms; restore/ create respect and safety Community: Supported to take responsibility to repair/ heal harms; restore respect and safety Just outcomes: Punishment/ retribution Women: do not define harms/ just outcomes – the judge does; lawyer represents the state – not her Men: Invited by criminal lawyers to avoid taking responsibility Community: Excluded from the process; judge is sole representative; decreases effectiveness of accountability

Ideas that are barriers to Restorative Approaches Men Most men cannot/ will not/ do not change Men change = manipulation Cycle of violence The primary result of violence is power and control; privilege; “it works” Men only want/ value power and control – either/ or framework Traditional low expectations of men

Ideas that are barriers to Restorative Approaches Women Most are at high risk of lethality Most want to leave their partners Most stay primarily out of fear Most want no further contact, forever

Restorative Documentary: A Better Man Attiya Khan, Co-Director Sarah Polly, Executive Producer

The End Tod Augusta-Scott Bridges – a domestic violence counselling, research and training institute bridges@bridgesintitute.org Edmonton 2016